I can’t cry and I feel miserable about it

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Retaw

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Hi,

I can’t cry. It’s like I can’t reach sadness as a emotion. It makes me feel terrible and gives me a lot of frustration. I suffer from generalized anxiety and my life is one big mess. I feel like I need the emotion to let go stuff, but I just can’t. I have not cried in the 4 years or so. It’s like everything is just adding up, but it’s hidden for me(can’t explain it better tbh). I feel not grounded with the earth at all. It’s like I can’t put myself completely vulnerable. I wonder if it has to deal with the fact that I smoked a lot of weed before I really suffered from anxiety and depression. Idk, it’s so long ago, but my first panic attacks started because of that. I’m sick and tired of my illness. I’m 20 yo and already missed so much years. I had therapy for a long time and also did EMDR for stuff I experienced in the past, but I just can’t let it out. Instead of crying it gives me a panic attack and let me feel misserable. I can’t even do normal day things like doing groceries etc. although I keep on trying, but I keep feeling so bad.
 
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goodgollymiss

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I cant cry either and suppressing my emotions doesn't give me an outlet.
 
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Retaw

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I cant cry either and suppressing my emotions doesn't give me an outlet.
Do you have this your whole life? I use to have this ability, but some how it’s taken away from me. At least I know I’m not alone right now. I tried to search up so much about it, but I don’t really find answers. I think it’s hard to understand, but it can give so much frustration and miserabel feelings when you can’t let stuff out, at least that’s in my case.
 
JustAnotherHuman

JustAnotherHuman

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I can understand how incredibly frustrating it is to not be able to cry, especially when you know how much it can make you feel better. Unfortunately I don't know any permanent fixes to this, but I often try my best to find things that make me very emotional, and use them to help bring out the tears when I'm at my lowest. For example, I've found the movie "A Silent Voice" helps me cry a lot, so I end up watching scenes from that. However, I know I'll have to find something new soon, as that movie is starting to emotionally affect me less and less. Maybe you should try and find something that helps you, and use it when you need it the most :hug:
 
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Retaw

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I can understand how incredibly frustrating it is to not be able to cry, especially when you know how much it can make you feel better. Unfortunately I don't know any permanent fixes to this, but I often try my best to find things that make me very emotional, and use them to help bring out the tears when I'm at my lowest. For example, I've found the movie "A Silent Voice" helps me cry a lot, so I end up watching scenes from that. However, I know I'll have to find something new soon, as that movie is starting to emotionally affect me less and less. Maybe you should try and find something that helps you, and use it when you need it the most :hug:
Hmm, that may be worth a try! It’s all adding up and up. I also tried meditation to let go, but only meditation who tries to make you relaxed works a bit. Sometimes it feels like I don’t even the mental energy to really let go emotions for some reason.
 
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Retaw

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Btw, it’s not only sadness(which I believe is a very important emotion), but also all my other emotions which feels supressed. Even my anxiety which is like 99,9 of my emotions at the moment I often supress. Afraid to face it, afraid to lose control etc. It’s not something I really want to choose for, but it feels like it goes automatic. I think it’s crucial for me to get better, but I don’t know how to get everything in balance again.
 
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goodgollymiss

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Maybe researching your fears could help them feel less scary. For example, you could find books about anxiety. Google books gives free previews of books I'm so sorry that you are not experiencing the life with a full range of emotions

On another note. When I was young, i used to cry alot and feel sorry for myself. Now i have a flat personality
 
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Jules5

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I have always been uptight-they use to call me Uptight Upright that is my last name from years ago. I always keep things bottled up and I am quite a few years older than you. I have this solid steel wall up between me and the world that I am just not affected with emotions and what ever else goes with it crying.

I am not sure what I can say to help as nothing I have done has broke through this steel wall. I think it is due to mental illness. which I have never been fond of. I am mentally ill. I just do react the same way as others-BUT give me an animal that is in distress and my tears and emotions pour out forever more. Child abuse is always a tear jerkier to me. Elderly loneliness cause great pain to me.

We all have weak spots and I know you must have something that draws your attention. Did you grow up in a dysfunctional family? A lot of sociopaths come from ill willed families. You can not change a sociopath. I sure hope you do not fall in this category. I know you are frustrated but it is not the end of the world-I see as going on with your life and being very successful. The emotions will come. God Bless love and hugs Jules
 
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Retaw

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I just don’t know it anymore. I can’t open myself anymore as I was used years ago.

I suffered from mental and physical abuse for 8 years. Literally my tears are kicked out of me it feels like. After I was in a safe environment I started smoking weed to forget everything and feel at peace. To be honest, it actually maked things worse for me. I was hiding for my own self. I use to have anxiety attacks, but I ignored them when they where over. At school I was kicked regulary, another thing which confirmed me to hide everything. My family had no idea what I was dealing with and still don’t completely. Everyone called me introvert and it was hurting me a lot, because I didn’t want to be like that. I’m afraid drugs made me more numb to other emotions. I wish I could start over life in a good way with a normal childhood, but unfortunately nobody can go back in time. I hope one day I will get another change. Just a small light which can put me out of this blackhole. I am just trying and trying, but my feelings don’t really improve. I just want to be normal and be at peace with myself. It’s like I’m fighting a battle for 3 years with myself without breaks.

Thanks for your reply and I hope you and the rest are doing good.
 
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Jules5

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You are getting older now people will not be able to hurt you for much longer. As an adult you need to stand up with pride and become the person you long to be. No one should have ever made you feel bad or physically abuse-just no one. I have worked with kids who were considered Severely Emotionally Disturbed (SED). I about quit as I could not imagine the pain they were going through. Instead I became a fighter for them. I started to get to know the kids and WOW. I use to have runaway kids at my house which is totally not good. But I always helped them without turning them in. Unbelievable some of things our kids are going through.

I know how you must be feeling. I am so sorry. You said you were in a safe environment now. I hope this is real and good for you. School can be tough-ignore anyone who wants to cause you harm. Just remember you will overcome. To keep from going into adult hood as battered just think of the rewards. It will be tough as an adult but you will find something to make it worth wild. Stay away from danger and people who could care less. Fight the good battle and keep your guards up. We do not live in a easy world right now. I think from history you can understand this.

Wishing and Praying for only the best for you. No fears No worries Okay. Love and hugs Jules
 
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Retaw

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You know, at some way I accepted my past and I’m not looking back at it as bad as I use to be, but it feels like it created damage on me. I don’t have flashbacks or anything, but I was learned to live for myself, keep everything for myself and feel insecure about well everything. I always was more anxious and I know that from myself. For example, I always was affraid to be alone etc. I ignored it. I smoked weed to forget it, but it made things worse. I regret it a lot. I had a few badtrips which broke up where things where not managable anymore. It’s hard to really know for me what a normal life is. I never really had one. But at least I could manage things better in the past then now, so there must be some way how I can reach that back right? I don’t really have only panic attacks, but especially what is so super hard it that I experience constant nervousness, derealization, stress, anxiety, gloomy thoughts. Sometimes I can make myself crazy about all of it. I’m a very thoughtfull person and almost everything I keep inside my head. Do you know what this exactly is perhaps? I always say it’s anxiety and depression, but sometimes I worry I have something else like ADD or that there is substance I mis in my brain the fully turn the knob around. I often have problems to stand up for myself, but it has improved a bit. Only family wise it still remains a problem.

I’m in a safe environment luckily, but also very stuck. What I said, I stopped working, school etc. for a long time now, so it’s super hard to blend in again. Often I worry about my future and how I could ever fit in society again. Thinking of having no work, school, friends, relationship and have no freedom makes me very depressed. I think most people would feel like that.

I just wanted to say from my bottom of my heart that it is wonderful that you’re busy to help kids like that and prefent them from problems in the future. I’ve got a lot of respect for that.

Hopefully my english isn’t too bad, because it isn’t my native language.
 
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Jules5

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To me you sound like a wonderful human being. You will meet people to help with your future. I would love it if you finished school get you diploma. Do they have GED classes or classes for people who quit high school. I already fell in love with your first post. Such a sweet soul you have I can tell. You just need the right environment. People who want the best for you in your life. Right now it is up to you to want the best for yourself-finish school. This is important.

Like i said I quit school in the 8th grade and had to go to night school to get diploma-but I did it with out support I did have some people who encouraged me. I am encouraging you now. I am old enough to be your Grandmother and I have already became fond of you. Your English is great. Lots of love and hugs sent your way Please feel better for me if anything. I will keep posting you as long as you are on forum.
 
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H i Retaw are you on any medication cos that can affect your emotions. When i was on quetiapine i found it virtually impossible to cry but i also lost the ability to laugh and it was really embarrassing cos nothing at all seemed funny to me. Since stopping the med ive got normal emotions back
 
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Retaw

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To me you sound like a wonderful human being. You will meet people to help with your future. I would love it if you finished school get you diploma. Do they have GED classes or classes for people who quit high school. I already fell in love with your first post. Such a sweet soul you have I can tell. You just need the right environment. People who want the best for you in your life. Right now it is up to you to want the best for yourself-finish school. This is important.

Like i said I quit school in the 8th grade and had to go to night school to get diploma-but I did it with out support I did have some people who encouraged me. I am encouraging you now. I am old enough to be your Grandmother and I have already became fond of you. Your English is great. Lots of love and hugs sent your way Please feel better for me if anything. I will keep posting you as long as you are on forum.
I think I could explain my situation a bit better.

After I came in a safe environment I started highschool again. I was in safe and new environment, but well, I had taken damage of the past. I was too young to know what the real impact it had and that I actually needed someone to talk too. Everyone else thought I was fine, but like I said, I helt so much too myself, so most people didn’t know in the slightest what I’ve been through. I was super insecure about myself. The first year I was a bit of a rebel till the point I was physcial abused multiple times at school, because of really silly reasons. I still had 2 years to go and some how I managed to gratuate. I didn’t know what to do with life at that point and I was completely stuck. If I think back right now I actually already suffered from pretty bad panic attacks. I didn’t know what it was and I was ignoring it all. Because of my insecurity due of multiple events I started smoking weed. It made things worse, but I felt so hopeless that I didn’t quit. In the meantime I started studying hotel school. At that moment it was a really random choice and I had developed bad social anxiety. Social events where I completely shuted myself out where hurting me a lot. One day at school I fainted (never knew the reason) and well, social anxiety + such a event is tough. I think it has triggered some symptoms which I experiencing today with my anxiety. Anyway, I managed to go to the next year. Things went completely off hill in this year. One day before class I was smoking weed with a classmate and my first massive panic attack developed after that. Lots of details, but I think I can skip that for this one. And the last trigger which I still regret was taking mushrooms. Also big panic attacks. So yeah, I also harmed myself. If I could to back in time I would do thing differently. Unfortunatelly I can’t and no one can. After that moment I felt worse and worse. I started getting huge panic attacks randomly etc. I was in the first few months of my study. I was trying everyday to go to school. For months I was just standing before with the hope that I could manage to get inside. I couldn’t. I started developing anxiety everywhere, but especially outdoors it wasn’t managable.

If I look back now, more adult and wiser, I know there had to be a moment where things go down hill badly. My social anxiety had me put in situation which has bringed me a lot of pain.

I finally searched for help and I ended up doing therapy for 2 years. Unfortunatelly it almost hasn’t helped me at all. They gave up one me and I’m now in a pretty dark hole where there is no help and I have to do almost everything by myself. Luckely some family members are trying to help me, but they are no professionals. It feels good that they are willing to think with me, but it isn’t the most ideal situation for all of us. My anxiety has changed over the past 3 years. It feels more complex then it was before. I often feel very turned inside and I’m super affraid to lose control of myself. Especially in busy places or situations where I’m the middle of the interest I struggle a lot with. I had a small period of time where things went a little easier, but eventually things went worse. I’m thinking a lot of the future and well... It makes me depressed. I’ve been in this for so long and I don’t know how I ever could get back in society normally. I’m still trying no matter what although sometimes I feel like I’m doing everything for no reason.

I’ll end it here, because otherwise I could better write down a entire book haha. I appreciate it a lot for taking the time.
 
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Retaw

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I cant cry either, bullies at school beat the ability to cry out of me:sorry: :hug:
Pfff, it always feel bad to read such things. Some days I concentrate on it and it can make me feel terrible for days. I wish I had a solution already.. Maybe it takes even more time then it already takes. It feels like a sponge full of water which you can’t wring out to take new water in. Some where you have to leave the water right? But there is no room. It developes multiple unpleasant and weird feelings. At least that’s in my case and that’s how I look at it.
 
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Retaw

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H i Retaw are you on any medication cos that can affect your emotions. When i was on quetiapine i found it virtually impossible to cry but i also lost the ability to laugh and it was really embarrassing cos nothing at all seemed funny to me. Since stopping the med ive got normal emotions back
Nope, I’m not. I took medicines in the past, but I stopped with a long time ago. I tried multiple varients, but I gave up on it. I concentrate so much on thoughts and feelings that it made my symptoms worse.

I actually read a interesting book about it as well. If medicines works for you, then I totally support it btw. There was a little story in it about soldiers in world war ll who where seriously injured. There was no morphine, so the doctors did a experiment. They gave them a sugar pill instead and said to them it was morphine. They reacted the same to it as people who actually took real morphine. The placebo effect is a huge factor if it works for you I think.
 
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Jules5

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Retaw I amazed at your accomplishments thus far. I am almost sure you do not smoke pot anymore. and if you do No No No. You will get better. The hotel school sounds interesting and a good income. Not sure if you will continue your studies. Education is always good. When I smoke pot I get busy I go on a cleaning spree and everything has to be done. Pot over here in the United States is not to potent rather mild in ingesting. Stay away from pot. Please continue your education at all cost. You seem to be at the age now that responsibility is important. Stay away from the pot. Love ya and lots of hugs Jules
 
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Retaw

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I’m not smoking it anymore indeed. I’m actually scared to take a lot of stuff, because I’m afraid of losing control. I even don’t take coffee and alcohol anymore. I some sort of mis it to have a beer sometimes, but I’m not on a level that it will bring any positive effects. I hope next year that I’m on level to be able to get to school again, but I still have a very long path to go.
 
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Jules5

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Retaw take as much time as you need too. I wish I could help with your anxiety and mood. I feel helpless. I am so happy you gave up the mood alternators. Now we have to see what can be done with you. I would just put some goals in place-like school next year and other goals too. Get a haircut go get your nails don have a pedicure. Get a massage do something great for yourself. If money is a problem then do it yourself. Take care of your body and soul. I sure hope you are in a good environment. I want your to flourish and be well. Hang on tight the ride is just beginning with your new life choices. You are an outstanding person I can tell by reading your post. I am proud of you and wish you well always. Lots of love and hugs Jules
 
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