I am unsure and feel stand offish as I have never done anything like this before, but am tired of feeling so alone

S

Sjg83x

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Essex
#1
Here goes, so I have bpd, depression disorder, anxiety, attachment disorder and detachment. I was diagnosed a year ago but before this diagnosis was always told I was depressed... I knew it wasn't just depression. I have never fitted in, I struggle to make and maintain friendships, I'm an emotional roller-coaster daily.

I feel like the loneliest person in the world, how can anyone like me, all that deep self loathing we like to do. The pushing and pulling, not understanding or feeling like I am understood and the list goes on it is endless.

One thing I have never done is enjoy intimacy and the thought of men angers me but this is due to my past. I am sorry if I'm not coming across well but I am a very closed book and my mum bless her found this forum as she knows I struggle and others will never fully understand what it is like to have bpd.

Last week I tried to commit suicide but to no prevail, something happened that scared me and I was back on that path of self destruction. I am trying to learn about myself but it's damn hard one day to the next. Does anyone or has anyone felt like a walking talking mess? Emptiness, loneliness, fearful of letting go of people and situations that are seriously no good for me. It's like I punish myself by taking the crap and pain.. I can handle rubbish but someone being nice to me throws me.

Am I the only one to feel like this? I have very low self esteem and confidence but can easily put on a front so that no one knows how I feel. I am slowly opening up to my mum and my therapist who both are amazing people. Everyone has a different past and its never great as due to this we have bpd due to the trauma we experienced. If anyone would like to maybe share a bit about themselves with me as I really am rubbish at making friends but would do anything for anyone.... Within reason!

Thanks for reading and it really would be nice to hear from you x
 
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Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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#2
Hi sjg...

:welcome: to the forum!

You are definitely NOT alone.....

I also have BPD so know exactly what you're talking about - and how you feel too....

I was diagnosed 4yrs ago and for the very first time - my life actually made sense.... You know, all the years where you grew up in a world that you NEVER felt part of...... with people that were so different to you that you almost felt like a different species...... but always blaming yourself for not being 'able' to do the same things......

I too grew up without friends.... I actually can't understand how people can make connections between each other without being terrified of either the person staying in their life OR leaving! Both have equally intense reactions!

I understand the push and pull you talk about being so difficult. It makes no sense to anyone, yet it is ingrained in me as much are the colour of my eyes... And the ups and downs every bloody day - or hour - or minute depending on what's happening - it's just so emotionally exhausting and crippling... A lot of the time, I'm afraid to say anything because I don't know how long I'll feel like that so I feel there's no point...

So my post-bpd diagnosis life so far is;
I started with a Psychotherapist after being referred by my Doctor.. 3.5yrs ago - I go weekly

I have a brilliant Psychiatrist and she sees me every 2wks

I have a psychiatric nurse also who I see weekly

And have lately started with a Psychologist....

It's a long hard road to just try to understand who you are..... That lack of sense of self is a real problem.... It's like you don't feel attached to anyone or anything so you almost question your existence! Maybe that's just me!

I hope that you find the forum beneficial........ It is fantastic here for support and for finding out how other people cope with similiar issues etc..... Have a look at the Borderline Personality Disorder sub-forum and you will meet others like yourself...

I hope you get some comfort from my reply and don't feel as alone and unworthy as you did...

:hug:
 
S

Sjg83x

Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Essex
#3
Hi sjg...

:welcome: to the forum!

You are definitely NOT alone.....

I also have BPD so know exactly what you're talking about - and how you feel too....

I was diagnosed 4yrs ago and for the very first time - my life actually made sense.... You know, all the years where you grew up in a world that you NEVER felt part of...... with people that were so different to you that you almost felt like a different species...... but always blaming yourself for not being 'able' to do the same things......

I too grew up without friends.... I actually can't understand how people can make connections between each other without being terrified of either the person staying in their life OR leaving! Both have equally intense reactions!

I understand the push and pull you talk about being so difficult. It makes no sense to anyone, yet it is ingrained in me as much are the colour of my eyes... And the ups and downs every bloody day - or hour - or minute depending on what's happening - it's just so emotionally exhausting and crippling... A lot of the time, I'm afraid to say anything because I don't know how long I'll feel like that so I feel there's no point...

So my post-bpd diagnosis life so far is;
I started with a Psychotherapist after being referred by my Doctor.. 3.5yrs ago - I go weekly

I have a brilliant Psychiatrist and she sees me every 2wks

I have a psychiatric nurse also who I see weekly

And have lately started with a Psychologist....

It's a long hard road to just try to understand who you are..... That lack of sense of self is a real problem.... It's like you don't feel attached to anyone or anything so you almost question your existence! Maybe that's just me!

I hope that you find the forum beneficial........ It is fantastic here for support and for finding out how other people cope with similiar issues etc..... Have a look at the Borderline Personality Disorder sub-forum and you will meet others like yourself...

I hope you get some comfort from my reply and don't feel as alone and unworthy as you did...

:hug:
Thank you so much for your response to my introduction. I literally feel everything you said. I don't know who I am, what I want, what I don't want, what to say, what not to say and its 24/7, it is mentally draining. I thought I was the only one that could not make friends, I'm either full on or a wall built so high it would take a miracle to climb. No it's not just you I constantly question my existence my worth. Normally it's I shouldn't exist. How can others help me when I can't even begin to understand who I am. Yes throughout the day you're up and then down, I have no middle ground, it's either all or nothing. Do you feel the same? I can't begin to tell you how I feel a bit more at ease knowing that I am not the only one having a damn hard time. My care Co ordinator is rubbish, all I keep being told is I need to be stabilised, been told that for a year! Still being told that, I am becoming more angry and frustrated with her. I have semi exploded a few times now. I asked her if I could have respite in a hospital she said no and that there were no beds so week after I attempted suicide again and she sent the home treatment team out without me knowing and it was 2 men and she knows I have a problem with men, after 2 days I told her a few things that did include a lot of swear words she then said that she will look at hospital admission then she told me that scientifically people with bpd do not benefit from hospital admission, to say the least I ended my session with her and told her to go xxxx herself. When you ask for help I am finding it's never there. I have a Councillor and she's brilliant, she is seeing me for free as she worked for an organisation that I attended and we started to build a relationship and she didn't want to leave as that is the norm for me for some reason and it makes me feel less of a person and that I really am not worth it. I admire you and it sounds as though you have a really good support network. Although as you prob know some days you are up and the next it's the worst day ever and you just want to curl up. When you said you grew up never feeling a part of anything I am there with you. Watching others make friends, hgoing out, why could I not do those things. At this moment in my life you have given me comfort and a reason to not give up and to keep trying, Tom I might feel diff but right now, it's all we have and I thank you so much x
 
M

missme

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
287
Location
NZ
#4
Here goes, so I have bpd, depression disorder, anxiety, attachment disorder and detachment. I was diagnosed a year ago but before this diagnosis was always told I was depressed... I knew it wasn't just depression. I have never fitted in, I struggle to make and maintain friendships, I'm an emotional roller-coaster daily.

I feel like the loneliest person in the world, how can anyone like me, all that deep self loathing we like to do. The pushing and pulling, not understanding or feeling like I am understood and the list goes on it is endless.

One thing I have never done is enjoy intimacy and the thought of men angers me but this is due to my past. I am sorry if I'm not coming across well but I am a very closed book and my mum bless her found this forum as she knows I struggle and others will never fully understand what it is like to have bpd.

Last week I tried to commit suicide but to no prevail, something happened that scared me and I was back on that path of self destruction. I am trying to learn about myself but it's damn hard one day to the next. Does anyone or has anyone felt like a walking talking mess? Emptiness, loneliness, fearful of letting go of people and situations that are seriously no good for me. It's like I punish myself by taking the crap and pain.. I can handle rubbish but someone being nice to me throws me.

Am I the only one to feel like this? I have very low self esteem and confidence but can easily put on a front so that no one knows how I feel. I am slowly opening up to my mum and my therapist who both are amazing people. Everyone has a different past and its never great as due to this we have bpd due to the trauma we experienced. If anyone would like to maybe share a bit about themselves with me as I really am rubbish at making friends but would do anything for anyone.... Within reason!

Thanks for reading and it really would be nice to hear from you x
I've definitely been there! Keep sharing..... The experiences we have are not always the same, but I feel I get greater empathy and understanding from those who have also suffered mental health issues. You are doing the right thing by reaching out..... That's the first step to success. I've been low like you explain, but one step at a time, id love to listen anytime
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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#5
Hey sjg

Thank you for your lovely words! And I'm really glad that you got some comfort from them. I remember when I first joined on here (having no expectations at all) that the stories and feelings I read from other members really astonished me. I actually couldn't believe that there was more than one of me in the world :)

Yes I am exactly the same - absolutely NO middle ground whatsoever.... It is a very very intense yes or no..... Like a pendelum that just never stops in the middle. Completely black or white. If I like something - I adore it and if I dislike something I absolutely hate it.... And nobody can understand why everything is SO intense all the time....

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience with your care co-ordinator... Unbelievable. Obviously she didn't understand you at all...... And I have learned from all my support people, that people with BPD do need a different kind of support. If a call isn't returned or answered immediately - they hate you etc... so we do need someone with understanding of our particurlar issues.

I'm glad you finished up with her.... Imagine sending two men to your house. Anyone would find that intimidating but I can't imagine your reaction given that you say you have problems with men in general.... You're best off without that type of person in your life.

Your therapist sounds great. I'm glad you still have that support...and it sounds liike they really care about you....

When I was first diagnosed with BPD I didn't know a lot about it to be honest and nor did anyone in my family... So I bought a book online on the Book Depository website called 'Borderline Personality Disorder - A guide for the recently diagnosed' written by Alex L Chapman & Kim L Gratz.... I found it brilliant.. I don't know if you 'need' it or not but it's there anyway if you think it would help you and/or family to understand a bit more.... Your mom sounds great however!

I'm off to my therapy now - hope you have a good day today

Take Care :)
 
Muddleduck

Muddleduck

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Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
306
Location
GB
#6
You aren't the only one to feel this, and i am so sad that you have been through that painful time of suicidal thoughts and attempts. It is a sign that you are finding life so unbearably difficult. What comes to my mind when reading your post is that you need to accept yourself for who you are. You are you, with your own feelings, preferences, and need to make a life that is comfortable for you, and not the norm.

This is my life, it is nothing like my friends' lives. It makes me feel better to not have a boyfriend. I have male friends at times, and see family at times, but my cat and my routine, my nice flat, walk to the shops, feeding the ducks, painting, reading, this is what helps me. It is not the norm or the ideal perhaps, but this is what keeps me from suicide attempts.

Maybe one day we won't be so lonely and life will be more full and exciting, but life can be enjoyable like this. Going to the shop or the park, where people are, without having to talk to anyone, really helps. People do start talking to me, telling me about their new hair cut or the price of the dentist, and that is enough at the moment.

There is no hurry for anything, no pressure to be or do anything. Just be, just live, peacefully, slowly, carefully. Cook, eat, drink and walk. Sunshine is coming. Flowers are beautiful. Look up at the trees. A bit of sun on your face, cut your hair, buy a nice dress or whatever you like to wear, and rest for a while. Don't worry about anyone else as they can look after themselves. Just relax for a year or more.
 
M

missme

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Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
287
Location
NZ
#7
I loved your reply and yes getting back to nature can really help, stop and smell the flowers as they say!
 
A

Abdn

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Joined
May 19, 2019
Messages
61
Location
Aberdeen
#8
SJG

I feel very much the same as you. I’m terribly lonely. It would help to have company.
 

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