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I Am Trying So Hard To Live

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CharlieBrown2030

Active member
Joined
Oct 10, 2020
Messages
26
Location
United States
I am trying everything within me to not lose it and self-harm as well as make this week my last week. I feel like after six attempts, working towards freedom, accept myself, going no contact with toxic people, trying to accept that I need help, and lifestyle changes..I honestly feel like I have no choice but to die. I am a citizen with missing documents, abusive parents, and very little support. I listen to so many stories of success and see many that get justice. I see great things happening to other people. I have a glimpse of that and that it gets taken away. I tried to go to the law and DSS..none of them took this seriously. I am afraid to be on the phone now because I am afraid that I will be judged. I am already ashamed to be alive. I have been discarded even by those who treated me. I had to go out of my home state to receive help. My father won't stop trying to hoover and keep my social security card. I have no proof of much abuse because my sister was the center of attention. I experienced trauma symptoms since I was 3. My parents even lied when I spoke my first words. I remember my first abusive babysitter..I never asked for much in my life. I haven't even got new clothes officially since I was 15. I tried cleaning so much and no one tried to help me. Until my school got involved, my mom took slow time to get help even confiding having suicidal ideation. I feel like no one wanted me to live and when they heard I wanted to die, they told me what I wanted to hear for their benefit. Yet.. I feel like the world isn't for me despite how much I love life. I just feel officially I don't deserve it. Life is only for a certain type of people. Even if after being honest, hard-working, and humble or confident or happy or sad or logical..no one gives a fuck. All because people who abused me the most are the most "charismatic". I really feel like I talked myself off the ledge..for nothing. My family doesn't even truly care if I suffer.
 
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NoOne5

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2020
Messages
1,233
Location
USA
Please don't self harm. You will regret it. You don't want permanent physical damage! Trust me I KNOW. I self harmed so badly that in the future I may need to be tube fed. Please self harmers stop and realize that self harm is NEVER the way to go!
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
4,818
Location
Sheffiield
I'm sorry you're feeling so low, I hope things improve for you soon. It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

In the USA the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be contacted on 1-800-273-8255
or suicidepreventionlifeline.org In the USA and Canada 211 is a number you can use to access information about social services.

Please take good care of yourself.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,942
Location
England
All you have been through is so unfair. I never want you to blame yourself in any way. It is appalling that the people you have reached out to are not helping you. It is terrible the police are not helping you after you have told them of the abuse you endured. Have you looked on search engines for organisations which could help?

I know how hard it is to have a family who do not care but no matter what, you do deserve to be happy and you do deserve to live. If only you got the help you need then I believe things could change for you.
 
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CharlieBrown2030

Active member
Joined
Oct 10, 2020
Messages
26
Location
United States
All you have been through is so unfair. I never want you to blame yourself in any way. It is appalling that the people you have reached out to are not helping you. It is terrible the police are not helping you after you have told them of the abuse you endured. Have you looked on search engines for organisations which could help?

I know how hard it is to have a family who do not care but no matter what, you do deserve to be happy and you do deserve to live. If only you got the help you need then I believe things could change for you.
I am really trying. My roommates said they know of a family court lawyer..and I am afraid to spill everything..but I have no choice.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,942
Location
England
Do you mean you are afraid to talk about everything? It sounds like your roommate is supportive.
 
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CharlieBrown2030

Active member
Joined
Oct 10, 2020
Messages
26
Location
United States
Do you mean you are afraid to talk about everything? It sounds like your roommate is supportive.
Yeah. They are supportive. It is the lawyer I am afraid to talk to..this is the first time of pursuing legal action against my abusers.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,942
Location
England
That is a huge step for you. Are you able to have some counselling to support you through that? Even though they have abused you, you may feel conflicted about everything.
 
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CharlieBrown2030

Active member
Joined
Oct 10, 2020
Messages
26
Location
United States
That is a huge step for you. Are you able to have some counselling to support you through that? Even though they have abused you, you may feel conflicted about everything.
As of right now..no..I am trying to get out of my father's insurance. He is trying very hard to not let go. What he is doing is illegal..
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,942
Location
England
It is terrible he is doing this to you. It sounds like he wants control and power. You are being so brave to fight against him.
 
C

CharlieBrown2030

Active member
Joined
Oct 10, 2020
Messages
26
Location
United States
Please don't self harm. You will regret it. You don't want permanent physical damage! Trust me I KNOW. I self harmed so badly that in the future I may need to be tube fed. Please self harmers stop and realize that self harm is NEVER the way to go!
I won't do it. Thank you so much..I thank you all
 
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