- Oct 10, 2020
- United States
I am trying everything within me to not lose it and self-harm as well as make this week my last week. I feel like after six attempts, working towards freedom, accept myself, going no contact with toxic people, trying to accept that I need help, and lifestyle changes..I honestly feel like I have no choice but to die. I am a citizen with missing documents, abusive parents, and very little support. I listen to so many stories of success and see many that get justice. I see great things happening to other people. I have a glimpse of that and that it gets taken away. I tried to go to the law and DSS..none of them took this seriously. I am afraid to be on the phone now because I am afraid that I will be judged. I am already ashamed to be alive. I have been discarded even by those who treated me. I had to go out of my home state to receive help. My father won't stop trying to hoover and keep my social security card. I have no proof of much abuse because my sister was the center of attention. I experienced trauma symptoms since I was 3. My parents even lied when I spoke my first words. I remember my first abusive babysitter..I never asked for much in my life. I haven't even got new clothes officially since I was 15. I tried cleaning so much and no one tried to help me. Until my school got involved, my mom took slow time to get help even confiding having suicidal ideation. I feel like no one wanted me to live and when they heard I wanted to die, they told me what I wanted to hear for their benefit. Yet.. I feel like the world isn't for me despite how much I love life. I just feel officially I don't deserve it. Life is only for a certain type of people. Even if after being honest, hard-working, and humble or confident or happy or sad or logical..no one gives a fuck. All because people who abused me the most are the most "charismatic". I really feel like I talked myself off the ledge..for nothing. My family doesn't even truly care if I suffer.