I am terrified I’m dangerous (I’ve done horrible things I’m think ASPD)

[Courtney125]

Hi all,

I am convinced I’m a sociopath or a sadistic horrible human being. I just found out I’m pregnant and seriously feel suicidal almost. I don’t want to bring a baby into the world as MY child. I am not fit to be a mother.

I can be so empathetic, I ball my eyes out if I go fishing and have to kill a fish or if I see a bad movie or any cruelty. I’m a dedicated dog mum who will not go to parties to stay with her fur babies. I have so much love but I’m also so twisted.

I have faked a black eye before with makeup for attention- I think to myself for hours why the hell do I do this shit!!!!
When I was in year 5 I used to tell a girl in kindergarten her mum wasn’t coming to pick her up so she would cry and I could comfort her, when I used to look after my younger cousins I’d call the sensitive one over to me and she’d cry because she would think she was in trouble so I did it a few times, why would I want to make her cry - I can’t get past myself doing this! I also used to say things and be a tease to her and when she’d tantrum I’d find it funny, on the flip side I love them so much so I don’t know why I did this.

i find it funny when little kids fight and siblings fight, I also have found it funny when one of my friends clients would have behaviours and attack other people (nothing serious)
I feel like a monster for all those things I’ve done. On top of this I have constant horrible thoughts that I’m a murderer, that I am going to hurt my family, that I am happy if someone dies and that I have the potential to be a terrible person. I have hid all the knives in my house out of fear. I’m so scared to admit this to a therapist and tell them all the abusive things I’ve done. I hate being this person, I wanted to be a mum so badly but when I realised what a sadistic mind I have (so weird though I hate any violent movies or hurting my friends/family feelings or anything happening to my fur babies) I’m convinced I’m going to absondon my children and be a horrible mother who regrets having them and the world will know how sick my mind is.

im never content, I’m always picking on my partner and an overall horrible person.

Please help - I can’t cope anymore.

 

[JessisMe]

Hi Courtney, thanks for sharing your experiences with the group here. It was brave of you to do.
Some of it is definitely troubling and I think it would be best to talk with a therapist about. Nothing you have written raises alarm that a therapist would be shocked over and they would be able to help you to determine if your fears for your own potential to harm more seriously are valid. Most therapists really have heard it all so you can feel comfortable sharing most anything with them. I would especially recommend therapy as an expecting mother. There may. one a time when you will be alone with your thoughts and this infant child and before that happens you will want to be sure that everyone is safe. xo, j

 

[HLon99]

Hi all,

I am convinced I’m a sociopath or a sadistic horrible human being. I just found out I’m pregnant and seriously feel suicidal almost. I don’t want to bring a baby into the world as MY child. I am not fit to be a mother.

I can be so empathetic, I ball my eyes out if I go fishing and have to kill a fish or if I see a bad movie or any cruelty. I’m a dedicated dog mum who will not go to parties to stay with her fur babies. I have so much love but I’m also so twisted.

I have faked a black eye before with makeup for attention- I think to myself for hours why the hell do I do this shit!!!!
When I was in year 5 I used to tell a girl in kindergarten her mum wasn’t coming to pick her up so she would cry and I could comfort her, when I used to look after my younger cousins I’d call the sensitive one over to me and she’d cry because she would think she was in trouble so I did it a few times, why would I want to make her cry - I can’t get past myself doing this! I also used to say things and be a tease to her and when she’d tantrum I’d find it funny, on the flip side I love them so much so I don’t know why I did this.

i find it funny when little kids fight and siblings fight, I also have found it funny when one of my friends clients would have behaviours and attack other people (nothing serious)
I feel like a monster for all those things I’ve done. On top of this I have constant horrible thoughts that I’m a murderer, that I am going to hurt my family, that I am happy if someone dies and that I have the potential to be a terrible person. I have hid all the knives in my house out of fear. I’m so scared to admit this to a therapist and tell them all the abusive things I’ve done. I hate being this person, I wanted to be a mum so badly but when I realised what a sadistic mind I have (so weird though I hate any violent movies or hurting my friends/family feelings or anything happening to my fur babies) I’m convinced I’m going to absondon my children and be a horrible mother who regrets having them and the world will know how sick my mind is.

im never content, I’m always picking on my partner and an overall horrible person.

Please help - I can’t cope anymore.

Dear Courtney,

Sorry to hear your struggling. I'm sure these are all issues that you ought to discuss with a psychotherapist. But I would hold off on self-diagnosing if I were you. The sheer fact that you feel remorse and guilt about your thoughts and your actions would indicate that it is unlikely that you have ASPD or sociopathy.

I am not a trained professional of any kind, but I have met a variety of people with various problems and this does sound familiar to me. You are clearly a very emotional person and dedicated, who cares deeply for your children and your family. But you have another side to you, which likely comes out when you are under stress. You may feel the need to manipulate other people, not to swindle or fool them intentionally, but to gain their affection and attention. You may be sometimes prone to feeling of anger and rage, as you struggle to control your impulses, but you do not desire to actually harm anyone. On top of this you may be prone to feeling s of depression and fears of abandonment. This may be indicative of BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder, not sociopathy.

Once again, I am not a trained specialist, but if you are concerned by these symptoms and are worried about the impact that it may have on your life and the lives of others, please speak to your doctor. Borderline Personality disorder is treatable and many go on to do very well in their lives. I myself have know borderline people who have gone on to do tremendously well, have great relationships. Personally, I have know them to be both passionate and compassionate people.


I hope this helps and if you have any questions please feel free to ask

-H

 

[Zero One]

You don't seem too bad to me. I don't have a personality disorder but I have psychosis and I have done some pretty awful things. I sometimes lose presence of mind or my good reasoning, but it seems you still have yours. I think your approach to being a parent is very realistic, just make sure you don't overthink your concerns-- that is one of the places psychosis started for me. I would also recommend getting help from a safe place if you are suicidal or almost suicidal.

 

[Italia2020]

Hi all,

I am convinced I’m a sociopath or a sadistic horrible human being. I just found out I’m pregnant and seriously feel suicidal almost. I don’t want to bring a baby into the world as MY child. I am not fit to be a mother.

I can be so empathetic, I ball my eyes out if I go fishing and have to kill a fish or if I see a bad movie or any cruelty. I’m a dedicated dog mum who will not go to parties to stay with her fur babies. I have so much love but I’m also so twisted.

I have faked a black eye before with makeup for attention- I think to myself for hours why the hell do I do this shit!!!!
When I was in year 5 I used to tell a girl in kindergarten her mum wasn’t coming to pick her up so she would cry and I could comfort her, when I used to look after my younger cousins I’d call the sensitive one over to me and she’d cry because she would think she was in trouble so I did it a few times, why would I want to make her cry - I can’t get past myself doing this! I also used to say things and be a tease to her and when she’d tantrum I’d find it funny, on the flip side I love them so much so I don’t know why I did this.

i find it funny when little kids fight and siblings fight, I also have found it funny when one of my friends clients would have behaviours and attack other people (nothing serious)
I feel like a monster for all those things I’ve done. On top of this I have constant horrible thoughts that I’m a murderer, that I am going to hurt my family, that I am happy if someone dies and that I have the potential to be a terrible person. I have hid all the knives in my house out of fear. I’m so scared to admit this to a therapist and tell them all the abusive things I’ve done. I hate being this person, I wanted to be a mum so badly but when I realised what a sadistic mind I have (so weird though I hate any violent movies or hurting my friends/family feelings or anything happening to my fur babies) I’m convinced I’m going to absondon my children and be a horrible mother who regrets having them and the world will know how sick my mind is.

im never content, I’m always picking on my partner and an overall horrible person.

Please help - I can’t cope anymore.

If you are saying you hate anything violent or anything happening to your fur babies maybe they are just thoughts that go through ur head but you would not ever actually do anything. Speak to a therapist or psychologist if you don’t have one. Take it from me my husband and I have tried for 5 years to have a baby and nothing. Part of my depression stems from that. Take it as a miracle that you can have a baby. Many people struggle to have that happen.

 

[Direisalone]

I hope you can find the strength to talk to a therapist and such about this and I really hope they can help you <3

 

[Courtney125]

If you are saying you hate anything violent or anything happening to your fur babies maybe they are just thoughts that go through ur head but you would not ever actually do anything. Speak to a therapist or psychologist if you don’t have one. Take it from me my husband and I have tried for 5 years to have a baby and nothing. Part of my depression stems from that. Take it as a miracle that you can have a baby. Many people struggle to have that happen.

I’ve actually been diagnosed with OCD which gives you these thoughts. I wish they would go away sooo badly but they don’t so I believe them and just avoid everyone so I can avoid the thoughts. It’s scary. I’m so sorry you can’t fall pregnant at the moment, I actually have PCOS and so I’m keeping bub because I don’t know if I’ll get this lucky again. Wishing you all the best x

 

[Blackrose09]

I’ve actually been diagnosed with OCD which gives you these thoughts. I wish they would go away sooo badly but they don’t so I believe them and just avoid everyone so I can avoid the thoughts. It’s scary. I’m so sorry you can’t fall pregnant at the moment, I actually have PCOS and so I’m keeping bub because I don’t know if I’ll get this lucky again. Wishing you all the best x

I have the same problem and it is OCD I know. I'm scared I'm going to loose control and judgment and hurt someone very bad.

 

[Blackrose09]

There's this myth people with harm ocd are the most kind people in world and they dont have intention in hurting the others. Some of us do have really bad intentions and thoughts about hurting the others and maybe also did it in the past... I wonder if the other part of people who suffer from ocd are just hiding who they really are.

 

[WutheringHeights]

You are not alone and I can so relate to your fears, it's very hard to live like this. I used to have intrusive thoughts about all the ways I could harm or kill other people, non stop, I was convinced I wanted to do those things and only my willpower was stopping me. I opened up about it with a friend who was also a counselor and he told me I would not be capable of doing such horrible things, it put me at ease and the thoughts became less frequent. I encourage you to tell someone what you are experiencing, they will be able to help.

 

[Courtney125]

You are not alone and I can so relate to your fears, it's very hard to live like this. I used to have intrusive thoughts about all the ways I could harm or kill other people, non stop, I was convinced I wanted to do those things and only my willpower was stopping me. I opened up about it with a friend who was also a counselor and he told me I would not be capable of doing such horrible things, it put me at ease and the thoughts became less frequent. I encourage you to tell someone what you are experiencing, they will be able to help.

Everyone has told me the same but it does not help

 

[tonga kev]

Everyone has told me the same but it does not help

you are not your thoughts, you have them, relax and focus on other things and thoughts. You could always look into doing mindfulness

 

[roboandrew]

I'm new to the forums and reading around a little, sorry for bringing this one back after over six months...

I wanted to know how OP is doing now. When I started therapy, I had horrible and intrusive thoughts just like this. They seemed completely rational and real. When people told me I couldn't do those things, I didn't believe them; after all, they didn't know all the horrible things in my head. Some of the images were too gruesome to describe, some of the acts too terrible to mention, how could they know I'm not dangerous?

I don't know what to say other than I was wrong. The images were coming out of an anxious brain so terrified of causing harm or being wrong that it convinced itself it was dangerous. The images and thoughts stopped eventually, but it wasn't because I kept telling myself it was all in my head. I went to a therapist and eventually a psychiatrist and it took about 6-12 months I think.

But it worked, Courtney125. They're all gone. It didn't seem like that was even possible. It seemed like a lightswitch too high on the wall to reach. The right medication was like a footstool. It didn't flick the switch for me, but I couldn't have done it on my own.

If you have an update, I'd love to know how you're doing now.

 

[Courtney125]

I'm new to the forums and reading around a little, sorry for bringing this one back after over six months...

I wanted to know how OP is doing now. When I started therapy, I had horrible and intrusive thoughts just like this. They seemed completely rational and real. When people told me I couldn't do those things, I didn't believe them; after all, they didn't know all the horrible things in my head. Some of the images were too gruesome to describe, some of the acts too terrible to mention, how could they know I'm not dangerous?

I don't know what to say other than I was wrong. The images were coming out of an anxious brain so terrified of causing harm or being wrong that it convinced itself it was dangerous. The images and thoughts stopped eventually, but it wasn't because I kept telling myself it was all in my head. I went to a therapist and eventually a psychiatrist and it took about 6-12 months I think.

But it worked, Courtney125. They're all gone. It didn't seem like that was even possible. It seemed like a lightswitch too high on the wall to reach. The right medication was like a footstool. It didn't flick the switch for me, but I couldn't have done it on my own.

If you have an update, I'd love to know how you're doing now.

Hey! Thanks for your reply and glad to hear you are doing so much better. I am ok, I’m coping and able to rationale and calm myself down. Although my intrusive thoughts still haunt me and keep me up at night and I also do behave in ocd behaviours (reassurance seeking, obsession over my past, analysing every emotion and behaviour to see if my reactions are empathetic and normal etc) I’m trying not to do this! I’m due with Bub in 3 weeks so my ocd has now turned to omg will I have a bond with the baby, will I dislike my child etc etc. I should be on medication but I have a fear of anything altering my mood sending me crazy and committing bad acts. It’s really really hard to explain. I’m off the the GP today to get a mental health care plan and I’m going to see someone for the first time in a while

thanks again!

 

[roboandrew]

That's good to hear! I hope the little good things keep adding up to something greater than the bad things. I also hope your delivery goes as planned and that you're massively relieved to find the connection with your baby instant and unbreakable!

I also like the idea of a mental health plan, but I've never had one. Could you share a bit of what that's like? I've been the one coordinating my own treatment for the past almost-20 years and it gets confusing sometimes.