C
Courtney125
Member
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2017
- Messages
- 15
Hi all,
I am convinced I’m a sociopath or a sadistic horrible human being. I just found out I’m pregnant and seriously feel suicidal almost. I don’t want to bring a baby into the world as MY child. I am not fit to be a mother.
I can be so empathetic, I ball my eyes out if I go fishing and have to kill a fish or if I see a bad movie or any cruelty. I’m a dedicated dog mum who will not go to parties to stay with her fur babies. I have so much love but I’m also so twisted.
I have faked a black eye before with makeup for attention- I think to myself for hours why the hell do I do this shit!!!!
When I was in year 5 I used to tell a girl in kindergarten her mum wasn’t coming to pick her up so she would cry and I could comfort her, when I used to look after my younger cousins I’d call the sensitive one over to me and she’d cry because she would think she was in trouble so I did it a few times, why would I want to make her cry - I can’t get past myself doing this! I also used to say things and be a tease to her and when she’d tantrum I’d find it funny, on the flip side I love them so much so I don’t know why I did this.
i find it funny when little kids fight and siblings fight, I also have found it funny when one of my friends clients would have behaviours and attack other people (nothing serious)
I feel like a monster for all those things I’ve done. On top of this I have constant horrible thoughts that I’m a murderer, that I am going to hurt my family, that I am happy if someone dies and that I have the potential to be a terrible person. I have hid all the knives in my house out of fear. I’m so scared to admit this to a therapist and tell them all the abusive things I’ve done. I hate being this person, I wanted to be a mum so badly but when I realised what a sadistic mind I have (so weird though I hate any violent movies or hurting my friends/family feelings or anything happening to my fur babies) I’m convinced I’m going to absondon my children and be a horrible mother who regrets having them and the world will know how sick my mind is.
im never content, I’m always picking on my partner and an overall horrible person.
Please help - I can’t cope anymore.
I am convinced I’m a sociopath or a sadistic horrible human being. I just found out I’m pregnant and seriously feel suicidal almost. I don’t want to bring a baby into the world as MY child. I am not fit to be a mother.
I can be so empathetic, I ball my eyes out if I go fishing and have to kill a fish or if I see a bad movie or any cruelty. I’m a dedicated dog mum who will not go to parties to stay with her fur babies. I have so much love but I’m also so twisted.
I have faked a black eye before with makeup for attention- I think to myself for hours why the hell do I do this shit!!!!
When I was in year 5 I used to tell a girl in kindergarten her mum wasn’t coming to pick her up so she would cry and I could comfort her, when I used to look after my younger cousins I’d call the sensitive one over to me and she’d cry because she would think she was in trouble so I did it a few times, why would I want to make her cry - I can’t get past myself doing this! I also used to say things and be a tease to her and when she’d tantrum I’d find it funny, on the flip side I love them so much so I don’t know why I did this.
i find it funny when little kids fight and siblings fight, I also have found it funny when one of my friends clients would have behaviours and attack other people (nothing serious)
I feel like a monster for all those things I’ve done. On top of this I have constant horrible thoughts that I’m a murderer, that I am going to hurt my family, that I am happy if someone dies and that I have the potential to be a terrible person. I have hid all the knives in my house out of fear. I’m so scared to admit this to a therapist and tell them all the abusive things I’ve done. I hate being this person, I wanted to be a mum so badly but when I realised what a sadistic mind I have (so weird though I hate any violent movies or hurting my friends/family feelings or anything happening to my fur babies) I’m convinced I’m going to absondon my children and be a horrible mother who regrets having them and the world will know how sick my mind is.
im never content, I’m always picking on my partner and an overall horrible person.
Please help - I can’t cope anymore.