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I am suicidal

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nagual

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May 9, 2021
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Iran
what about reaching out further to something international like NAMI

or the United Nations or something

at this point I am completely skeptical regarding any sort of therapy. I don't know what would be the point of seeking "professional help". after all these years it seems like a waste of time.
maybe the reality is that some scars won't heal and some people's depression will never go away.
 
N

nagual

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I made a long post elaborating on my original post. I just realized on top of the post it says "This message is awaiting moderator approval, and is invisible to normal visitors". also one of my responses to Zoe's comment awaiting approval. why is that? can I ask them why is it that a comment might not be approved so i can change it?
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

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I made a long post elaborating on my original post. I just realized on top of the post it says "This message is awaiting moderator approval, and is invisible to normal visitors". also one of my responses to Zoe's comment awaiting approval. why is that? can I ask them why is it that a comment might not be approved so i can change it?
Sometimes that happens, don't take it personally. Sometimes longer messages are noted that way, or if their software detects a word they don't care for or something like that. It's usually approved in time.
 
N

nagual

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Iran
at this point I am completely skeptical regarding any sort of therapy. I don't know what would be the point of seeking "professional help". after all these years it seems like a waste of time.
maybe the reality is that some scars won't heal and some people's depression will never go away.
to elaborate more on this point. I am actually not sure what to expect from a psychologist that I have not experienced so far. and if anything does exist in psychology that can actually help me. to be honest with you, even if it would be helpful. I can not afford it anymore.

I have also checked the website that you shared. Thank you for sharing it. I couldn't figure out what this organization is.
 
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nagual

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This is the root of everything in regards to my depression. It affected me throughout childhood, teenage years, youth, school, university, productivity in jobs, social life etc..

about a decade ago after I finished university, I moved to Italy to study.
Then a new layer of depression appeared due to (I think) a type of loneliness that I had never experienced.
Also being around people that were naturally much much more happier than me and were very obvious about it was extremely alienating. There were points that I would not talk to anyone for weeks unless if I absolutely had to. at this point thinking about suicide was becoming a routine tendency.

I quit my first job because of depression. I had to leave my computer and go to toilet and cry(same thing in the university). I moved back to my country after a while. although the feeling of absolute alienation never left me.
Then Trump's economic sanctions on my country came about. The economy got destroyed, the company that I used to work for went broke and I lost my second job. (It has gotten to a point now that every body is literally eating less)

I lost two other jobs because of depression after that.

other thing about being this depressed is that most times, I literally can not move, I can't get out of bed. I am so disappointed that the idea of doing anything seems ridiculously pointless.
I also completely lack any energy. sometimes moving my chair feels very difficult physically.

from what I can observe, my mental state has been getting more and more debilitating as the years go by. (that's why I brought up the examples regarding jobs)
like, I specifically remember 4-5 years ago thinking that: can the way I feel get any worse? how much more sorrow can I contain in my chest? and it has gotten much much worse, to a degree that I could not have imagined. only strange thing is the worse it gets. the less I cry. I used to cry a lot but in the recent years the tendency seems to have left me.

I think it's a sober and realistic conclusion that depression, disappointment, sorrow, trauma, anger and frustration will never go away and the only way to end it is to end life.

even if suicidality is not there in the mornings(which is rare), often when I am in the middle of doing something, it all hits me and I feel an unbearable pain in my chest, then I have to either take a bunch o xanax and lay down or think about suicide.
This is the comment that I made right after the original post trying to elaborate on it.
it took some hours to get approved by admins. I am re-commenting on it so folks that I have already talked to, could see this.
 
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nagual

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Hi @nagual
I'm sorry for what you have experienced. I can relate to your having treatment-resistant depression. I have treatment-resistant bipolar depression. I, too, have had ECT treatments (15 of them) and also 36 sessions of rTMS (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation). I've also tried so many different SSRIs and one SNRI. Nothing helps with my depression. I'm going to tell my psychiatrist when I see him next month that I want to stop taking lamotrigine and quetiapine and also Latuda. That's all of the meds that I take for depression. I think he might push back on my stopping Latuda, because that is supposed to help with bipolar depression. I don't know if it helps me or not. At the least, I want to cut back on my meds' dosages, because I have a fair amount of side effects from them.
hey man. I have taken quetiapine as a substitute for xanax for sleeping and the side effects were terrible. It give me flu like symptoms and my body ached.
can I ask you something? do you think your condition has been affected by external factors in your life? I am asking this because all that happened in my life has always been dismissed by therapists and psychologists.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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Hi @nagual
Yes, my depression was influenced by several external factors in my life. Who knows that if these external factors didn't occur, would I still have developed depression? I think I was probably predisposed to develop depression without these external factors; they just compounded the problem.
 
N

nagual

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Iran
hey nagual

you might also find it helpful to post in this sub forum :

I have already posted there Zoe. we talked about my experiences with abuse there.

anyways, as I am going to bed , unfortunately the only thought accompanying me is suicide. I wish tomorrow doesnt come.
 
Z

Zoe1

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I'm sorry to hear that nagual

I hope your dreams will help you wake up in a better frame of mind


:hug:
 
L

lifecangetbetter

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I don't know where is the right forum to post this. or if I have to trigger warn the post or something so I apologize because I am new to this website.

It's been about 8 years now, every day that I wake up the first thought in my head is to end my life.

I feel the sadness and despair pushing down on my chest and throat and the absolute disappointment that has been building up for the last two decades. and then, when my brain actually loads up reality and I become fully awake, the only thought there is, is that of suicide.

I once tried to end my life 7 years ago, stopped in the middle of what I was doing due to panic and now, the more days, months, years pass the more convinced I become that it was the right decision back then and it is the right decision now.

I had been on SSRI, SNRI, Tricyclics, NDRI for more than a decade and it didn't help a bit. also did 5 ECTs due to 'treatment resistant depression' and that didnt help either, aside for hurting my jaw.

I stopped taking drugs three years ago(aside for benzos)

yes I have also tried with psychologists. They are waaay worse than psychiatrists. shticks like mindfulness or holding myself responsible for whatever that has happened and is going to happen are not helpful at all.

nowadays what I do is when I wake up and if it is really bad, I take 2mgs or xanax and go back to sleep, and when I wake up again, I am more numb to both depression and suicidal thoughts.

worst thing in all of this is being alone.
all I hear from people when I bring it up is "STFU and get over it". As if life is a movie and you are supposed to play the hero and get yourself out of this hellhole.

I know posting in a forum can not make my situation change in any shape.
I just don't want to be alone when I am going through this shit.
i know how you feel. I've felt a strong desire to die since i was 16. we have to keep living even though we don't want we have to push through. don't mind other people cause at the end of the day only YOU are experiencing your own consciousness. its a fact that some people handle things better or worse than you cause they have a different consciousness than you
 
D

Daringdan

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Louisville, Ky
nagual,
This is more of a perspective remedy. I don't know, maybe you are already dedicated to helping others?
But here it goes anyway: Reconsider an argument you've probably heard before. That you can bring to bare all that you have learned and suffered and from your soul, use your life as a means to help and uplift others who suffered similarly.
Jewish internment camp survivor, Viktor Frankl said "In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice." If this is true then it can be a way forward to keep on living.
 
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nagual

Active member
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May 9, 2021
Messages
41
Location
Iran
nagual,
This is more of a perspective remedy. I don't know, maybe you are already dedicated to helping others?
But here it goes anyway: Reconsider an argument you've probably heard before. That you can bring to bare all that you have learned and suffered and from your soul, use your life as a means to help and uplift others who suffered similarly.
Jewish internment camp survivor, Viktor Frankl said "In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice." If this is true then it can be a way forward to keep on living.
one thing is, if you were living where I live, I don't know how you could look at people who are more unfortunate than you and not become more suicidal.
for example, due to American imposed economical sanctions on my country, Insulin and almost all vital medicine are super scarce and almost impossible to find. I know of two people in my extended family who died of cancer in the last six years due to lack of access to chemotherapy medications.
most people are literally eating less food including members of my own family. how do you help them? I can't.
the other thing is that I understand I can never have a life like normal people. my pain is always going to be there and get worse. so why play this game? it makes more sense to refuse it all and end life altogether.
 
N

nagual

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Messages
41
Location
Iran
i know how you feel. I've felt a strong desire to die since i was 16. we have to keep living even though we don't want we have to push through. don't mind other people cause at the end of the day only YOU are experiencing your own consciousness. its a fact that some people handle things better or worse than you cause they have a different consciousness than you
why though? I mean I wish you find happiness and I wish depression and sorrow leaves you and never comes back.
but why do I have to keep living? It's just pointless suffering.
 
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nagual

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Messages
41
Location
Iran
I mean, I just woke up. I wish, I truly wish that I could be able to do normal things. just to distract my self from my mood.
I wish I could read, or watch a movie or listen to music or something.
I can't. I am physically and mentally unable to do anything. This damn sorrow in my chest and stomach is an unbearable sickening feeling that gets worse every day.
In the original post, I forgot to mention that there is a panic attack every time that I wake up. It's not due to anything external in life. It's due to the fact that my brain realizes that I have to go through another day of this nightmare.
 
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