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I am suicidal

N

nagual

Active member
Joined
May 9, 2021
Messages
41
Location
Iran
I don't know where is the right forum to post this. or if I have to trigger warn the post or something so I apologize because I am new to this website.

It's been about 8 years now, every day that I wake up the first thought in my head is to end my life.

I feel the sadness and despair pushing down on my chest and throat and the absolute disappointment that has been building up for the last two decades. and then, when my brain actually loads up reality and I become fully awake, the only thought there is, is that of suicide.

I once tried to end my life 7 years ago, stopped in the middle of what I was doing due to panic and now, the more days, months, years pass the more convinced I become that it was the right decision back then and it is the right decision now.

I had been on SSRI, SNRI, Tricyclics, NDRI for more than a decade and it didn't help a bit. also did 5 ECTs due to 'treatment resistant depression' and that didnt help either, aside for hurting my jaw.

I stopped taking drugs three years ago(aside for benzos)

yes I have also tried with psychologists. They are waaay worse than psychiatrists. shticks like mindfulness or holding myself responsible for whatever that has happened and is going to happen are not helpful at all.

nowadays what I do is when I wake up and if it is really bad, I take 2mgs or xanax and go back to sleep, and when I wake up again, I am more numb to both depression and suicidal thoughts.

worst thing in all of this is being alone.
all I hear from people when I bring it up is "STFU and get over it". As if life is a movie and you are supposed to play the hero and get yourself out of this hellhole.

I know posting in a forum can not make my situation change in any shape.
I just don't want to be alone when I am going through this shit.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I've found this resource for Iran, I hope they can provide some support for you as well as using these forums.
  • The Iran National Organization of Well-Being, has provided various methods by which the individuals can use the specialists' services free of charge for a variety of problems such as marriage, family, the youth and children, suicide, etc. including online, in person and by phone.
  • Online: By registering at Moshaver.behzisti.ir
  • In person: ‌‌By finding the closest location in The Iran National Organization of Well-Being website.
  • By phone: Calling 1480. This hotline is open from 6 am until 9 pm everyday and its services are reached from all provinces of Iran.
 
Z

Zoe1

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Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
18,948
Location
Nowhere
yes I have also tried with psychologists. They are waaay worse than psychiatrists. shticks like mindfulness or holding myself responsible for whatever that has happened and is going to happen are not helpful at all
I'm sorry you had this experience with psychologists
they are not supposed to say that


:hug:
 
N

nagual

Active member
Joined
May 9, 2021
Messages
41
Location
Iran
I've found this resource for Iran, I hope they can provide some support for you as well as using these forums.
  • The Iran National Organization of Well-Being, has provided various methods by which the individuals can use the specialists' services free of charge for a variety of problems such as marriage, family, the youth and children, suicide, etc. including online, in person and by phone.
  • Online: By registering at Moshaver.behzisti.ir
  • In person: ‌‌By finding the closest location in The Iran National Organization of Well-Being website.
  • By phone: Calling 1480. This hotline is open from 6 am until 9 pm everyday and its services are reached from all provinces of Iran.
Thank you for trying to help. I know this organization. They are bunch of incompetent morons. talking to them for five minutes would make you realize that you live in a 3rd world hell.
I once tried to get legal help from them to get medical exemption for my depression, from military service (which is mandatory in my country) and their bureaucratic fuckery is at a level that Kafka could not have imagined.
(basically they were supposed to help fill in bunch of forms and give me legal guidance but i ended up doing it myself)
 
Z

Zoe1

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Jul 8, 2019
Messages
18,948
Location
Nowhere
what about reaching out further to something international like NAMI

or the United Nations or something

 
D

Daringdan

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Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
293
Location
Louisville, Ky
Ketamine infusions have worked for some treatment resistant depression
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,179
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
Hi @nagual
I'm sorry for what you have experienced. I can relate to your having treatment-resistant depression. I have treatment-resistant bipolar depression. I, too, have had ECT treatments (15 of them) and also 36 sessions of rTMS (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation). I've also tried so many different SSRIs and one SNRI. Nothing helps with my depression. I'm going to tell my psychiatrist when I see him next month that I want to stop taking lamotrigine and quetiapine and also Latuda. That's all of the meds that I take for depression. I think he might push back on my stopping Latuda, because that is supposed to help with bipolar depression. I don't know if it helps me or not. At the least, I want to cut back on my meds' dosages, because I have a fair amount of side effects from them.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
Ketamine infusions have worked for some treatment resistant depression
Hi @Daringdan
From what little I know about ketamine, it works amazingly fast (like within hours), but don't the effects wear off quite fast too (like within a week)? And also you need an IV infusion (a needle stick) for each treatment. Also, aren't the treatments expensive? Maybe psychiatrists don't recommend it for depression because then big pharma would lose lots of money on all of the depression meds that psychiatrists prescribe. I'm playing devil's advocate here.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,309
Location
Nashua NH
I don't know where is the right forum to post this. or if I have to trigger warn the post or something so I apologize because I am new to this website.

It's been about 8 years now, every day that I wake up the first thought in my head is to end my life.

I feel the sadness and despair pushing down on my chest and throat and the absolute disappointment that has been building up for the last two decades. and then, when my brain actually loads up reality and I become fully awake, the only thought there is, is that of suicide.

I once tried to end my life 7 years ago, stopped in the middle of what I was doing due to panic and now, the more days, months, years pass the more convinced I become that it was the right decision back then and it is the right decision now.

I had been on SSRI, SNRI, Tricyclics, NDRI for more than a decade and it didn't help a bit. also did 5 ECTs due to 'treatment resistant depression' and that didnt help either, aside for hurting my jaw.

I stopped taking drugs three years ago(aside for benzos)

yes I have also tried with psychologists. They are waaay worse than psychiatrists. shticks like mindfulness or holding myself responsible for whatever that has happened and is going to happen are not helpful at all.

nowadays what I do is when I wake up and if it is really bad, I take 2mgs or xanax and go back to sleep, and when I wake up again, I am more numb to both depression and suicidal thoughts.

worst thing in all of this is being alone.
all I hear from people when I bring it up is "STFU and get over it". As if life is a movie and you are supposed to play the hero and get yourself out of this hellhole.

I know posting in a forum can not make my situation change in any shape.
I just don't want to be alone when I am going through this shit.
I feel a lot like you do, it is something that is always with me at the back of my mind. Sometimes it comes to the front of my mind for awhile, then back again. It’s definitely a scary and dangerous place to be mentally and emotionally. I hope being here for you helps a bit. Many of us have been in similar situations and it sucks. xo, j
 
N

nagual

Active member
Joined
May 9, 2021
Messages
41
Location
Iran
This is the root of everything in regards to my depression. It affected me throughout childhood, teenage years, youth, school, university, productivity in jobs, social life etc..

about a decade ago after I finished university, I moved to Italy to study.
Then a new layer of depression appeared due to (I think) a type of loneliness that I had never experienced.
Also being around people that were naturally much much more happier than me and were very obvious about it was extremely alienating. There were points that I would not talk to anyone for weeks unless if I absolutely had to. at this point thinking about suicide was becoming a routine tendency.

I quit my first job because of depression. I had to leave my computer and go to toilet and cry(same thing in the university). I moved back to my country after a while. although the feeling of absolute alienation never left me.
Then Trump's economic sanctions on my country came about. The economy got destroyed, the company that I used to work for went broke and I lost my second job. (It has gotten to a point now that every body is literally eating less)

I lost two other jobs because of depression after that.

other thing about being this depressed is that most times, I literally can not move, I can't get out of bed. I am so disappointed that the idea of doing anything seems ridiculously pointless.
I also completely lack any energy. sometimes moving my chair feels very difficult physically.

from what I can observe, my mental state has been getting more and more debilitating as the years go by. (that's why I brought up the examples regarding jobs)
like, I specifically remember 4-5 years ago thinking that: can the way I feel get any worse? how much more sorrow can I contain in my chest? and it has gotten much much worse, to a degree that I could not have imagined. only strange thing is the worse it gets. the less I cry. I used to cry a lot but in the recent years the tendency seems to have left me.

I think it's a sober and realistic conclusion that depression, disappointment, sorrow, trauma, anger and frustration will never go away and the only way to end it is to end life.

even if suicidality is not there in the mornings(which is rare), often when I am in the middle of doing something, it all hits me and I feel an unbearable pain in my chest, then I have to either take a bunch o xanax and lay down or think about suicide.
 
N

nagual

Active member
Joined
May 9, 2021
Messages
41
Location
Iran
I'm sorry you had this experience with psychologists
they are not supposed to say that


:hug:
he used to call it existential therapy if I recall correctly
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
18,948
Location
Nowhere
n yeah well that is no good if you have a trauma to talk about is it

people over here would not be impressed with him !

I would reach out to organisations internationally
 
N

nagual

Active member
Joined
May 9, 2021
Messages
41
Location
Iran
Hi @Daringdan
From what little I know about ketamine, it works amazingly fast (like within hours), but don't the effects wear off quite fast too (like within a week)? And also you need an IV infusion (a needle stick) for each treatment. Also, aren't the treatments expensive? Maybe psychiatrists don't recommend it for depression because then big pharma would lose lots of money on all of the depression meds that psychiatrists prescribe. I'm playing devil's advocate here.
guys I live in the 3rd world. these therapists barely deviate from the standard SSRI, tricyclic stuff.

I seriously doubt if they keep up with the scientific literature. my therapist was the dean of medical university of Tehran(which is the most prestigious in my country) and his favorite drug is Citalopram. I once told him about smoking marijuana and he started spouting Nixon era propaganda about marijuana making people psychotic and whatnot. he is the same idiot who gave me ECTs.

I have done Ketamine because I had heard of its anti-depressant properties. I dried it and sniffed it. and I didn't find it helpful at all. There is a moment of physical relief after you sniff it but after that it is more depressing and I got panick attacks every time I was on it. Although I still found it extremely addictive too.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,341
Location
USA
I don't know where is the right forum to post this. or if I have to trigger warn the post or something so I apologize because I am new to this website.

It's been about 8 years now, every day that I wake up the first thought in my head is to end my life.

I feel the sadness and despair pushing down on my chest and throat and the absolute disappointment that has been building up for the last two decades. and then, when my brain actually loads up reality and I become fully awake, the only thought there is, is that of suicide.

I once tried to end my life 7 years ago, stopped in the middle of what I was doing due to panic and now, the more days, months, years pass the more convinced I become that it was the right decision back then and it is the right decision now.

I had been on SSRI, SNRI, Tricyclics, NDRI for more than a decade and it didn't help a bit. also did 5 ECTs due to 'treatment resistant depression' and that didnt help either, aside for hurting my jaw.

I stopped taking drugs three years ago(aside for benzos)

yes I have also tried with psychologists. They are waaay worse than psychiatrists. shticks like mindfulness or holding myself responsible for whatever that has happened and is going to happen are not helpful at all.

nowadays what I do is when I wake up and if it is really bad, I take 2mgs or xanax and go back to sleep, and when I wake up again, I am more numb to both depression and suicidal thoughts.

worst thing in all of this is being alone.
all I hear from people when I bring it up is "STFU and get over it". As if life is a movie and you are supposed to play the hero and get yourself out of this hellhole.

I know posting in a forum can not make my situation change in any shape.
I just don't want to be alone when I am going through this shit.
You are not alone and you're doing the right thing by talking about it.
 
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