- Jan 8, 2021
Hi! I'm a 25 year old graduate student. My life has been in a downward spiral for the last many years. There was a temporary moment of respite but it was ephemeral. I don't feel like doing anything at all. Haven't felt doing like anything for the last decade. Everything I do is to make sure I don't end up starving one day. That's all the motivation left in life. Nothing interests me anymore. Things that I was passionate about in the past don't really arouse the same feelings in me. I have tried therapy before and it hasn't worked. I neither have the patience, nor the monetary resources to continue with therapy. Besides, it will hinder my career prospects and there is a cultural taboo as well. I consciously took the decision to drop out of it cause I felt like I was weakening myself. People around me seem to get a lot of things easily which they take for granted. I hardly have any friends, can't get along with most people and find it really hard to hold down a job. My fucked up mental state ensures that I suck at any new activity I undertake. I don't like living with my parents either. Can't wait to strike out on my own. But all my savings are gone. I haven't been productive for the last many days and there's something really holding me back. I don't know what it is. It's been this way for the last 7 years, at least. I was miserable throughout University but I thought it'd change. It didn't. Uni was a massive waste of mine. Can't see how it could have been any different had I done it differently. Future doesn't look very bright right now. Not like it ever did. I was always told I'd be either mediocre or a failure. Pretty much failed at everything I did. I am extremely frustrated at this point and don't know what else to do. I don't even know what I want in life anymore. I know there are people who have it a lot harder than me but I am not them. Getting through the day has become hella difficult. Pls suggest a way out of this misery. I absolutely resent everyone and everything around me, those from my past and those that will come by in the future. The only thing that gets me off any more is my own pain and seeing others in pain. Spreading misery all around me and poison in the lives of those in my family and circle feels like the only meaningful thing left to do now. Cherry on the cake - I am developing a drinking issue. It was always on the cards but now I it is very much in sight. My physical health has suffered a lot in the last half a decade or so. I no longer feel healthy - mentally or physically.