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"I am sorry you..." (noticing certain phrases being used)

C

Coolname

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You and me both. This principle was hard learned, and is so important to me. If I choose to reply in one way or another, ignore, or dance naked in the rain, that is my choice. I may face consequences for that choice, but I am entitled to make it.
Ps. The main thing for me is that my choice is I want to do and not what I think others want me to do.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Ps. The main thing for me is that my choice is I want to do and not what I think others want me to do.
Exactly!! That's one of the main things for me too.

As an extremely codependent person it has been very empowering to even begin to acknowledge/realize that I have choices.
 
C

Coolname

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Exactly!! That's one of the main things for me too.

As an extremely codependent person it has been very empowering to even begin to acknowledge/realize that I have choices.
First I had to learn the meaning of "I" and develop a sense of self. That alone took years. Removing the sense that I was to blame for everything that others were not happy about took longer. Removing the sense of obligation to surrender my wants and needs for the benefit of others took far longer.
 
C

Coolname

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First I had to learn the meaning of "I" and develop a sense of self. That alone took years. Removing the sense that I was to blame for everything that others were not happy about took longer. Removing the sense of obligation to surrender my wants and needs for the benefit of others took far longer.
To get this thread back on topic. This is why I always say; 'I am sorry to hear about that' on the forum, not 'I am sorry about that'. I have not caused the situation and have nothing to be sorry for.
 
N

Nukelavee

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i have worked hard on myself to get to the point where I'm finally realizing I'm not responsible for anyone other than myself. I feel it's an accomplishment,not a shortcoming. And I stand firm on this,for me personally.
You and me both. This principle was hard learned, and is so important to me. If I choose to reply in one way or another, ignore, or dance naked in the rain, that is my choice. I may face consequences for that choice, but I am entitled to make it.
See, for me, it's the opposite. It's all about the consequences of my actions on others; that is, I can't not consider consequences. Not considering consequences can lead to trouble for others, which is something I now try to avoid. Be co-dependant has never been one of my issues -I go the opposite way, I refuse to allow anybody that much control over me.

Basically, my progression has been in the opposite direction of the two of you.

I'm sorry that my words have obviously upset you. They are MY own personal thoughts and realizations though and it's ok that you disagree with them.
There's some sort of irony here, lol. I'm exactly the wrong person to use those sorts of statements on, to me, in this context, they are passive aggressive and patronizing. To me, there's an implication that you are belittling me for my opinion on the topic.

IT doesn't matter whether or not you mean, it doesn't mean I sit and rage over it either, but that is always my initial reaction to phrases like that. I think it's likely it because, to me, it doesn't come across as somebody is sorry for what they did, it's that they are sorry I feel I need to be upset.

Seriously -it strikes me as weird that for you two, distancing yourselves from responsibility is progress, whereas for me, progress requires considering how I'm responsible for how others feel.

Also - nothing about this discussion is upsetting; it's been interesting. I enjoy discussions about this sort of thing when the other side(s) is clever and well spoken.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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All of your responses here are a good example of what I have said @Nukelavee

I'm not responsible for how someone interprets my replies.

As long as I know I mean well, I'm not being rude or unkind, that's all that matters to me.

Hugs
 
G

Girl interupted

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I think empathy in any shape or form is better than 98% of what is on the internet these days.

Those phrases are meant to indicate compassion and understanding, particularly when a topic is difficult.

This forum isn’t therapy. People here are not, and should not, delve deeper into a persons personal trauma.

We are just here to support each other, and frankly “I’m so sorry” is perfectly fine and kind.
 
G

Girl interupted

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This has now left me with the dilemma of saying I am sorry. Since this thread was posted I stopped saying it. Interestingly, other members just gave their view rather then to change. Shows what a weak character I have, I guess.
Please don’t stop being you. You are fine just the way you are; a caring and compassionate person. We are lucky to have you here.
 
C

Coolname

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See, for me, it's the opposite. It's all about the consequences of my actions on others; that is, I can't not consider consequences. Not considering consequences can lead to trouble for others, which is something I now try to avoid. Be co-dependant has never been one of my issues -I go the opposite way, I refuse to allow anybody that much control over me.

Basically, my progression has been in the opposite direction of the two of you.

There's some sort of irony here, lol. I'm exactly the wrong person to use those sorts of statements on, to me, in this context, they are passive aggressive and patronizing. To me, there's an implication that you are belittling me for my opinion on the topic.

IT doesn't matter whether or not you mean, it doesn't mean I sit and rage over it either, but that is always my initial reaction to phrases like that. I think it's likely it because, to me, it doesn't come across as somebody is sorry for what they did, it's that they are sorry I feel I need to be upset.

Seriously -it strikes me as weird that for you two, distancing yourselves from responsibility is progress, whereas for me, progress requires considering how I'm responsible for how others feel.

Also - nothing about this discussion is upsetting; it's been interesting. I enjoy discussions about this sort of thing when the other side(s) is clever and well spoken.
I think it's likely it because, to me, it doesn't come across as somebody is sorry for what they did, it's that they are sorry I feel I need to be upset.
I agree that if I used my forum phrasing in a situation where my behaviour had contributed to the other person's feelings, then that would likely be an anger-inducing piss-take. That is different to the context of replying to new posters here, I am absolutely not responsible for how they feel and I am happy to make that clear.
Seriously -it strikes me as weird that for you two, distancing yourselves from responsibility is progress, whereas for me, progress requires considering how I'm responsible for how others feel.
It's interesting isn't it? A good illustration of how perspective provides validation for our respective positions. Openness, communication and understanding can dissolve so many arguments. Also a good illustration of how much of mental health is about extremes vs balance. Hopefully, one day, we will all meet in the middle of the seesaw.
Also - nothing about this discussion is upsetting; it's been interesting. I enjoy discussions about this sort of thing when the other side(s) is clever and well spoken.
Me too. It has been interesting and fun. I also consider my last response to you to be funny enough to deserve a victory dance.
 
C

Coolname

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I agree that if I used my forum phrasing in a situation where my behaviour had contributed to the other person's feelings, then that would likely be an anger-inducing piss-take. That is different to the context of replying to new posters here, I am absolutely not responsible for how they feel and I am happy to make that clear.
In the interests of avoiding resurrecting the argument, I want to point out that by 'my behaviour contributing to the other person's feelings', I don't mean a difference in sense of humour, inadvertently stumbling on a trigger, etc. I mean more active behaviour, such as having an affair and telling your distraught and angry partner that you are sorry that they feel that way. Now that, to me, is a patronising response where I would be trying to avoid responsibility for my actions. Freedom vs responsibility, another balance.
 
Passionflower

Passionflower

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I wonder why the OP hasn't come back on this thread? I would like to hear a bit more from him/her.
 
C

Coolname

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I feel the exact same way. It feels like that for me because I’ve never been complimented by my parents and so whenever someone else does it (which is an extremely rare occurence anyway), due to the unknown, I doubt them and assume that they’re just saying things to get closer to me, and I am not comfortable if they do that.

It is worth it to be treated nicely though, but it needs more than just one compliment, and from many people to wade me.
Thanks for the interesting post. Maybe you would set up a thread on how we react to compliments. It may be illuminating, it is another of those communication grey areas where we can each read different things into the same words.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Having others quote me and use me for their own argument is not ok.

I am not in on this argument between the two of you. I feel there's nothing to debate/argue and that's why I have not been explaining or defending myself here.

Maybe start a new thread in the debating chamber to continue your discussion ?

Thanks @Nukelavee and @Coolname
 
C

Coolname

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Having others quote me and use me for their own argument is not ok.

I am not in on this argument between the two of you. I feel there's nothing to debate/argue and that's why I have not been explaining or defending myself here.

Maybe start a new thread in the debating chamber to continue your discussion ?

Thanks @Nukelavee and @Coolname
Fair enough. TBH, I'm no longer arguing, genuinely trying to understand another point of view, but happy to leave your posts out of it.
 
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