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"I am sorry you..." (noticing certain phrases being used)

Zaz2020

Zaz2020

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We're all different...we're all unique. That's the joy of life. The world would be a dull place if we were all the same 😊
 
Faith198

Faith198

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This has now left me with the dilemma of saying I am sorry. Since this thread was posted I stopped saying it. Interestingly, other members just gave their view rather then to change. Shows what a weak character I have, I guess.
You aren’t weak at all. Tbh I felt the same. I try really hard to say the right thing
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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the flip side of that is this - sometimes the reflexive automatic validation is actually enabling bad behaviour. blanket validation is not always a good thing.

Go back and read the OP again. It's more about is giving rote validation enough concern and support, or is it so overused that it is empty of meaning. Is it the same as "How's your day" when you don't expect or want an answer?

USing myself as an example - Receiving a rote "that must be so hard" can rub me entirely the wrong way, despite me knowing it's meant, here, with good intentions. I mean, I have BPD, not reacting how people expect to comments is what I do (although I am getting better). Personally, I don't want to be coddled, if I were to post about a crisis, I want insight and advice. In one of those moods, platitudes are like lighting a fuse. "Everythng happens for a reason" drives me mad, tbh.

I do think it's ironic there is a subtext of judgment being applied simply because the topic was brought up.

What it does illustrate is that there are no perfect answers.
I agree with you,however for me personally, I've realized it's not my responsibility to worry whether I am enabling bad behavior or not. I do care about other members here but it's not my job,not my responsibility,not my obligation to try to change or fix anyone. It's also not my responsibility how a member interprets a response from me.

I am only responsible for myself and my own well being. I personally don't feel it's right to try to tell anyone else how to do things,what they should or shouldn't do or what they're doing wrong. I'm not a mental health professional,I don't know anyone on a personal level in real life and soI feel it's wrong. I do offer advice and suggestions at times but there's nothing wrong with trying to be kind while doing so. That's something I've been trying to do in real life and online,be a little kinder.

This isn't group therapy, it's a mental health support forum. We are all struggling and doing the best we can and we're here to give and receive support.

I don't think we all need to read each members history to find out where they're at in their healing or their illness before responding. Kindness is always good no matter where a person is at or how much they've grown.
 
P

Pollypop

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England. Derbyshire
This has now left me with the dilemma of saying I am sorry. Since this thread was posted I stopped saying it. Interestingly, other members just gave their view rather then to change. Shows what a weak character I have, I guess.
Do not change your responses because of this thread.

Be your yourself.

You are a lovely, thoughtful, compassionate person.

You are most definitely not weak.
 
C

Coolname

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UK
This has now left me with the dilemma of saying I am sorry. Since this thread was posted I stopped saying it. Interestingly, other members just gave their view rather then to change. Shows what a weak character I have, I guess.
Opinions are like bums, everyone has one and they all stink except our own.

Yeah, it is good to test the beliefs of others, rather than accept them wholesale, but I think it is a sign of strength to be open to other opinions, other perspectives. Many people, allegedly without mental health problems, do not have sufficient self-esteem to allow for the idea they may not be 100% (or sometimes even 1%) right. Look at parliament for an example of the problems that causes.

Your posts give a lot of support to a lot of people and are appreciated :hug:.
 
C

Coolname

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I agree with you,however for me personally, I've realized it's not my responsibility to worry whether I am enabling bad behavior or not. I do care about other members here but it's not my job,not my responsibility,not my obligation to try to change or fix anyone. It's also not my responsibility how a member interprets a response from me.

I am only responsible for myself and my own well being. I personally don't feel it's right to try to tell anyone else how to do things,what they should or shouldn't do or what they're doing wrong. I'm not a mental health professional,I don't know anyone on a personal level in real life and soI feel it's wrong. I do offer advice and suggestions at times but there's nothing wrong with trying to be kind while doing so. That's something I've been trying to do in real life and online,be a little kinder.

This isn't group therapy, it's a mental health support forum. We are all struggling and doing the best we can and we're here to give and receive support.

I don't think we all need to read each members history to find out where they're at in their healing or their illness before responding. Kindness is always good no matter where a person is at or how much they've grown.
Love this post! We need an upvote x 1,000 option for posts like this
 
L

Lavendergirl

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Apr 24, 2020
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London
I have been browsing recently and have noticed that some users on the forum has a tendency to use some stock phrases in response to distress shown by others. I am intrigued as to whether this is intentional or whether there is an underlying, unconscious thing people do when faced with upset of others.

The common one I tend to spot is "I am sorry you feel that way/have been treated that way etc" but there are certainly others.

I tend to find these phrases mildly invalidating though I suspect they are used with the best intentions in the world. I notice that this type of response is often not caveated with an insight into how the person may feel or what they can do about the situation.

Has anyone else noticed this tendency? These terms are not good or bad, they are just what they are. But sometimes I feel over-used to the point of being meaningless.
I don't often reply unless I feel I can offer some support and understanding to the person posting
If we feel it helps to acknowledge another person's pain or worries by stating we are sorry they feel as they do its a human reaction
I very feel sure the majority of people understand that and get comfort from the fact that person is taking time to read their post and answer in a sensitive way
Sometimes to much over thinking on what others choose to say is not helpfu
Certainly nobody wants something they say with warmth and concern to be thought of as meaningless.
 
L

Lavendergirl

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This has now left me with the dilemma of saying I am sorry. Since this thread was posted I stopped saying it. Interestingly, other members just gave their view rather then to change. Shows what a weak character I have, I guess.
Just be yourself b.
That always works
Your words help others so much
Never doubt them or what you say.
 
N

Nukelavee

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I agree with you,however for me personally, I've realized it's not my responsibility to worry whether I am enabling bad behavior or not.
On that, I disagree, strongly. I feel it absolutely IS my responsibility to not enable bad behaviour.

For example - if somebody were to discuss an incident where somebody had an argument with a partner, and admitted to hitting said partner, and tried to justify it with "I have BPD, they should know not to upset me!", I'm going to call them out for assaulting someone, and using BPD as an excuse for being toxic.
It's also not my responsibility how a member interprets a response from me.
So... hypothetically, if we had a heated discussion, and you took offence at what I said, I could say "I'm not responsible for how you decide to feel about my words", and you would accept that?

Like, if I said "I find your attitude very irresponsible and potentially damaging to the long term welfare to other members", and you were offended, you would remember that "not responsible for how you take it" goes both ways?

Because, being me, should such a situation arise, I'm totally quoting what you said to you, at that time, as my get out of jail free card.
 
C

Coolname

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On that, I disagree, strongly. I feel it absolutely IS my responsibility to not enable bad behaviour.

For example - if somebody were to discuss an incident where somebody had an argument with a partner, and admitted to hitting said partner, and tried to justify it with "I have BPD, they should know not to upset me!", I'm going to call them out for assaulting someone, and using BPD as an excuse for being toxic.

So... hypothetically, if we had a heated discussion, and you took offence at what I said, I could say "I'm not responsible for how you decide to feel about my words", and you would accept that?

Like, if I said "I find your attitude very irresponsible and potentially damaging to the long term welfare to other members", and you were offended, you would remember that "not responsible for how you take it" goes both ways?

Because, being me, should such a situation arise, I'm totally quoting what you said to you, at that time, as my get out of jail free card.
I'm inserting myself into this one.
For example - if somebody were to discuss an incident where somebody had an argument with a partner, and admitted to hitting said partner, and tried to justify it with "I have BPD, they should know not to upset me!", I'm going to call them out for assaulting someone, and using BPD as an excuse for being toxic.
I can't speak for Sunny, but I suspect this is not the sort of example she meant, it is certainly not implied in the post she was responding to, where you said;

'sometimes the reflexive automatic validation is actually enabling bad behaviour. blanket validation is not always a good thing.'


I can't imagine anyone, who doesn't already think violence is a good thing and therefore not bad behaviour, reflexively and automatically validating domestic violence. I don't think reducing the argument to absurdity is helpful. May I politely suggest you take your own advice and

'Go back and read the OP again. It's more about is giving rote validation enough concern and support, or is it so overused that it is empty of meaning. Is it the same as "How's your day" when you don't expect or want an answer?'

This would happily keep us all on topic.

So... hypothetically, if we had a heated discussion, and you took offence at what I said, I could say "I'm not responsible for how you decide to feel about my words", and you would accept that?
Nobody said anything about accepting what was said, if the other party wishes to take umbridge, than that is their decision. Equally, if a member was repeatedly causing umbridge, then they would quickly find that other people either argue with or ignore them. In the forum's context, the mods would step in.

Having said all that, I do enjoy reading many of your posts, I quite like seeing critical reasoning and the challenging of the status quo. :cool:
 
N

Nukelavee

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I suspect this is not the sort of example she meant, it is certainly not implied in the post she was responding to, where you said;
Well, honestly, I don't think Sunny actually thought through the implications of saying they aren't responsible. Plus, I have a talent for finding the loophole or example that, not proves the statement wrong, but shows the shortcomings of the thought. My mom says its not one of my endearing qualities.
Nobody said anything about accepting what was said, if the other party wishes to take umbridge, than that is their decision. Equally, if a member was repeatedly causing umbridge, then they would quickly find that other people either argue with or ignore them. In the forum's context, the mods would step in.
Yeah, there's a whole other conversation on that topic, lol.

I dunno, it's hard to interpret "I'm not responsible for how people feel about my words" any other way. And, honestly, I have replied to "You don't get to tell me how your words make me feel" with "And you don't get to tell me what I meant."

IT's not that I'm only arguing for the sake of it, it's more a convoluted way of asking "Have you considered the full ramifications of that statement?"

Points to you for using "umbridge". Well played. :)
 
C

Coolname

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Well, honestly, I don't think Sunny actually thought through the implications of saying they aren't responsible.
I’m sorry you feel this way.
I have a talent for finding the loophole or example that, not proves the statement wrong, but shows the shortcomings of the thought. My mom says its not one of my endearing qualities
'I'm sorry you have been treated like that, it must have been horrible'
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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@Nukelavee

I think the most important thing you failed to notice was when I said:

. I agree with you,however for me personally
I'm sorry that my words have obviously upset you. They are MY own personal thoughts and realizations though and it's ok that you disagree with them.

i have worked hard on myself to get to the point where I'm finally realizing I'm not responsible for anyone other than myself. I feel it's an accomplishment,not a shortcoming. And I stand firm on this,for me personally.
 
C

Coolname

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i have worked hard on myself to get to the point where I'm finally realizing I'm not responsible for anyone other than myself. I feel it's an accomplishment,not a shortcoming. And I stand firm on this
You and me both. This principle was hard learned, and is so important to me. If I choose to reply in one way or another, ignore, or dance naked in the rain, that is my choice. I may face consequences for that choice, but I am entitled to make it.
 
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