I am so ashamed of my life.

[PinkLady]

I am 24 years old and deeply ashamed about my life.
I am single, only have 1 friend (The others ignored me and treated me badly so those friendships ended), look ridiculously young, have a weird voice, still live at home and am in a job which pays peanuts and which doesn't give me many hours. However it is the one and only place where I feel I have a purpose as I work with kids and working with them seems to be the only thing which I can do right.
I spend most evenings and weekends at home and get so bored I want to cry. I hate it when colleagues ask me what I am up to of a weekend as I am never up to anything.
I feel like my parents pity me and I am tired of always putting on a fake facade for the world to see. I am known as being happy and smiley as well as capable at work but outside of work I am a freak. It makes me scared to get to know colleagues better as who would want to have a friend like me or to be close to someone like me? I am betting my colleagues only like me as they think I am about 17/18 anyway and so they see me as the sweet little girl.
I have tried to get in touch with old friends but that didn't work and after we met they all ignored me. I have always tried getting on courses to improve my work situation but my boss isn't being helpful.
I am scared that this is all there is to life. I am so ashamed of being me and feel like everything is so hard.

I just wish I could be a better and more worthwhile person.

 

[amethyst79]

first of all, hello!!

Im sorry to hear you are upset by all of this, but I think you are lucky to have one friend one good friend is better than a whole bunch of bad friends.

Throughout life people change, and move location, get married etc so lose contact. Maybe you should try and give your workmates a chance, im sure they dont think bad of you!! Just dont rush in to things, why dont you join a club or try night class? that will build your confidance.

Remember making friends doesnt happen overnight, be wary of the people who are too eager as they turn out to be the rotten eggs of society.

Amethyst

 

[BSloan1960]

Hi PinkLady,

let me start by saying that you probably think no one else knows how you feel or how you are suffering. The fact is there are millions of people who can identify with you- you are not alone.

If depression is your problem one of the most common symptoms is isolation from others.

Its like the "I over-eat because I'm depressed- I'm depressed because I over-eat"... as in "I am so depressed that I have no friends, I have no friends because I'm so depressed. The 2 feed into each other in a whirlwind.

You are not a worthless person. In fact its obvious that you are sensitive and caring... and probably very kind to others... Many people measure the 'value' of other people based on the kindness and sensitivity they show to others. If this is the case that gives you great value.

All the ways you feel bad that you presented here in your post- these are the leaves on the tree- its time to take a look at the Root of the tree (the root cause). Once the Root is treated the leaves will become healthier.

My suggestion- find a therapist to speak with. These days most folks go to social workers who are specially trained (and very good) to help depressed people. Even if it turns out that depression is not the root of your problem, these same therapists can help you by acting as your coach or guide to give you ideas about how to change some of the things that are holding you back.

2 things:

1) Its time to move forward and get help- you described the problems very well- now its time to see someone trained to provide solutions to these problems.

2) Don't lose hope. You feel bad Now- but you WON'T Always feel like this... don't see today's set of feelings as something that won't improve.

Bill

 

[iffybob]

Hi ... you dont say what country you live in so its a little harder ...

... if you want to get on with your work and eduaction is the path then make the effort to sort it out yourself ...

... in England .. collage, night, part time clases .. even the Open University ..

If you are on a low income .. the courses may be subsidised or even free ...

If you do join a class , it will help you meet others and perhaps make new freinds , and inprove you social life ...

.. take care .. boB ...

 

[Soren]

I just wish I could be a better and more worthwhile person.

Hi PinkLady, you are yet more living proof that people who are anxious about whether they are a good person, are - partly in virtue of this concern - actually the best of people.

You seem to be a really like-able and kind person and i for one would be proud to know you.

Take it easy on yourself.

 

[coraline1664]

Hi PinkLady

I really understand some the feelings you have, I have very similar ones. I am told all the time how young I look. I am young, but it attracts a lot of comments, sometimes people are even slightly surprised to hear I live on my own. I've had guesses as low as 14 before (I'm 20) so I know how irritating it is! People often seem to feel the need to make these kind of pointless comments, that's all they are. It doesn't have any reflection on you, obviously people's opinions vary enormously and there will always be someone who thinks differently about that anyway.
I also have a voice which I believe to be strange, I don't know if you think this after listening to a recording of your voice but that's what I find. I think part of it is that we are just used to hearing our voice how it sounds to us, so anything else seems odd. In my opinion I always find other people's voices that are slightly different to be more attractive and intruiging. Our own voices are the sort of things that we can really over analyse as well.

You seem like a really interesting and thoughtful person, and I know the sort of people who treat other who are supposed to be friends like nothing. I've had it too and they are honestly not worth bothering about in the slightest. You have one good friend, that can be enough and of course you will make more.

Hope things get sorted out,

Elizabeth