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I am scared

bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
3,691
Location
England
I have ordered a new sim card for my phone which means I will have a new phone number. I do not want my family to be able to contact me. Recently my mum is back in touch with me after a 6 year absence. At first I tried talking to her about how her behaviour has effected me but she refused to discuss it. She texts me once a week making small talk and I cannot cope with it. I then had to text one sister who was angry I had blocked her. I cannot have her in my life either although she only wants to exchange birthday cards. I cannot cope with how they have ruined my life and still to this day will not accept I have bpd or allow me to talk about how I feel. My mum lives 25 minutes away from me so I will never really be able to escape. I know I will hurt them but I cannot see any way out. Every contact makes me feel terrible. I wish I could move home too but that is not an option.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
35,542
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
it will be impossible for them to get your new number
im sorry you are going through this
it can be hard to cut family members out but sometimes there is no choice x
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
4,155
Location
Nashua NH
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles with your family. It must be extremely frustrating, disappointing and dispiriting to have these interactions with them that seem to only reinforce the negative experiences with them that you have had in the past. You are doing the right thing by changing your number. It is important we do what we can to preserve our own wellbeing and to protect ourselves from what harms us. If you need support in this we are here for you. xo, j
 
Scapes1986

Scapes1986

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
2,057
Location
Planet Mercury
I've done this with my mother, although we only went months without talking. She's more understanding now. Maybe your problems will go away by not talking to them? Or maybe it will lessen?
 
OddballOut

OddballOut

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
57
Location
Canada
Ugh parents.

My mom absolutely refuses to acknowledge any responsibility for what she's done.
I think she's narcissistic. I've never heard her apologize- not once. Not even when she's clearly in the wrong.

I live with her now- can't afford not too, but thankfully I have my own space which she rarely comes into.

It wasn't until about a year ago I realized how abusive she is (gas lighting, emotional abuse, body shaming etc)and that she's not going to change. It used to drive me insane being so near her and never being able to actually discuss anything important, to try and make amends. Can't even tell her that I forgive her for how she raised me because I know she didn't realize the amount of damage she was causing and that I acknowledge that she did the best she could without her completely losing her shit. So, we keep to small talk. Or i hear all about her day and her shit. I just nod and keep my mouth shut. So I understand the not being able to cope with the small talk. the niceties. 🤮

I've lived here six years and she's just finally, finally not going off on me all the time about how lazy i am etc. And I think it happened because one day, when she asked me a really rude, really loaded and mean question I just looked at her and said "Are you asking me because you're genuinely curious about my disorder or are you asking to make me feel like shit so you can feel good about being the perfect parent?" and then I walked away. She didn't have a response because I nailed it on the head. She would have to admit she was being a jerk- which she'll never do. So the boundary was put up and I won't engage in her crazy making. For awhile I would go downstairs and cry after walking away but more and more I'm realizing it's her problem not mine. I take responsibility for my own crap not hers any longer. It's been difficult, I won't lie.

Putting that boundary up - that "i know my own truth and you're the one who's messed up, not me" in my head, and outward to her has helped immensely.

Have you read or taken therapy about boundaries? Cuz once you get those babies set up well, man they work good!

And if that means for you, not letting them have your new number? Well, I think that's pretty fricking awesome that you recognize how toxic your family is to you.

They say you can't pick your family but I think that's BS.

heh- sorry for my long winded post.
Once again- all of this to basically say

I feel ya. And good for you for deciding to get a new sim so they can't keep damaging you!
 
S

sab1978

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
171
Location
Canada
You are doing what’s best for you and your sanity! Good for you!! ❤ You should be very proud of yourself for protecting yourself like this. I haven’t had contact with my parents and brother for over 2 years. It’s been amazing. Way less triggers and BS to deal with.
 
Hillman hunter

Hillman hunter

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 26, 2019
Messages
3,659
Location
West Midlands , England
I have ordered a new sim card for my phone which means I will have a new phone number. I do not want my family to be able to contact me. Recently my mum is back in touch with me after a 6 year absence. At first I tried talking to her about how her behaviour has effected me but she refused to discuss it. She texts me once a week making small talk and I cannot cope with it. I then had to text one sister who was angry I had blocked her. I cannot have her in my life either although she only wants to exchange birthday cards. I cannot cope with how they have ruined my life and still to this day will not accept I have bpd or allow me to talk about how I feel. My mum lives 25 minutes away from me so I will never really be able to escape. I know I will hurt them but I cannot see any way out. Every contact makes me feel terrible. I wish I could move home too but that is not an option.
Hi bpd.
We have to put ourselves first sometimes, and protect ourselves from more hurt and pain.
Otherwise life becomes unbearable , we can only take so much.

This sounds horrible for you, when a family does this to us, there is only one option.
You have your life to lead ,and dont need more conflict and confusion

take care
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,125
Distance is a good thing for bpd until you get stronger. You need to work with your therapist on the anger and rage because it’s only ultimately hurting you. Easier said than done, I well know.

Give yourself permission to take this space. It’s perfectly ok.

And it’s perfectly ok to feel what you are feeling right now. You need to get to a place of strength where having them admit they’re wrong doesn’t define you. For most of us with bpd, we will never hear those words. And that’s ok. It is possible to move on without them. Honest.

Work on you. Invest in you. Then let them back into your life only when you are ready and with clear boundaries, that if they don’t respect those, you can again take some distance. Teach them how you want to be treated.
 
Prince of Cinders

Prince of Cinders

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
100
Location
Suffolk, VA
I'd simply say that if you're uncomfortable with having contact, then give yourself whatever space you believe is appropriate and take care of yourself. If they can't respect that, then so be it.
 
Mal84

Mal84

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 15, 2020
Messages
1,510
Location
Hovering in the Atlantic
With a new sim they shouldn’t be able to get your number.

I’m actually planning to do something similar when I get a place of my own. Reading your post reminds me totally of my family :hug1:


Give yourself the space you need. You come first x
 
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