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I am really confused

J

just_some_guy

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2015
Messages
2
I guess first I read the BPD thread and I have every trait on there, then I took the Schizoid test and scored a 39 out of 40, it told me to seek professional help immediately.

I'm not often a danger to others and the only time I've hurt anyone is when I was provoked.

One day I'm the greatest guy in the room and the next I'm hiding in my room.

I've attempted suicide twice. Two real times where I was really going for it.

Even writing this, I shift between fear and indifference. right now indifference is taking over.

I've had 100's if not over 1000 intimate relationships. None lasting more than a couple weeks. Most a single night.

I live a parasitic lifestyle because I can never manage to hold down a job and charming people for what I need is just easier.

I mainly live in nice places and drive nice cars, but haven't worked for years.

I've "come to" in foreign countries not knowing how I got there. I've blown tens of thousands of dollars on gambling. When I have wanted money, I have sold things/products and broken records consistently. The money goes quickly and I end up broke and alone all over again.

Haven't talked with my family in years. I have no use for them.

I'm pretty sure I'm a horrible person but mostly I just don't care. I'm not happy but I'm not sad. Mostly I'm just bored. Even when I tried to exit, I was just looking for the next logical step in this process. It just seemed like the thing to do and made sense in my mind.

Being a disappointment to others was over a decade ago. Or at least I haven't cared in that long.

My question is this. Now that I've ruined any chance at a "normal" life (criminal record a mile long, never went to prison, always charmed the court), what is there for me? I have nothing to offer society. I owe so much money to so many people getting a "real job" is pointless. After collections and taxes I wouldn't have milk money left over.

What do I do aside from go on being a parasite? I have no family that would be interested in helping me out. I "DO" want to be different, but I'm in my mid 30's and not sure it's even possible. I wish I cared but anymore I just want to stop taking. So what now?
 
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Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
Hi just_some_guy and welcome to the forum.

The fact that you want to change is a good start. I know you've taken the schizoid test and checked through the BPD list. So, if you think you have a serious mental illness, talking to your doctor would be the next step.

I know you're reluctant to work because of money you owe but, if you feel able to, getting a job might improve your perspective and self-worth. Debts can be dealt with by paying affordable weekly/monthly amounts.

Anyway, I'd say get your health sorted first and then take it from there.
 
J

just_some_guy

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2015
Messages
2
Hi Purple

I have been to one doctor in my adult life and several times when I was younger. I am extremely compulsive, so it has never lasted long enough for me to get a diagnosis. I have no insurance and currently I'm pretty broke, so I don't think I have any options, do I?

As much as it seems intriguing to me, I can't picture myself living a "normal" life. I'm willing to discuss with a professional to see if that is a possibility, however. The closest I could really see of myself in that environment would be the neighbor with a dungeon or other form of heinous extreme to battle the boredom I feel I would live under.

I was prescribed Lithium and Lamotrigine a few years ago and for about a month I felt what I could only think was "normal". It was extremely easy for me to retain information of any sort, not just things that interested me. As things are now, I can retain information down to the finest details if the subject interests me but I have no capability of retaining what doesn't interest me for more than a few seconds. "In one ear out the other" so to speak.

After the month passed, I lost interest in the drug and had major urges to drink alcohol in large quantities. I became very unstable and perhaps dangerous loosely defines my behavior at that time, so I discontinued the drug regimen.

As I'm writing this I fully understand your reply is going to recycle the advice to see a professional. I'm just wondering if anyone else has similar experience and maybe what resources are available? If my life slowed down, I could see myself getting agitated and even becoming more extreme in my need to entertain myself OR I could go into a reclusive cycle and cut myself off from the world to go live in the woods or something.

I feel I NEED danger... fear... excitement, I'm not really sure exactly what, but definitely adrenaline-centered.

As an afterword to the above, I would never let anyone in my real life surroundings hear me say these statements. I know exactly how I sound and I fully understand I sound nuts. I'm
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
You're spot on! I was indeed ready to recycle the 'get help' advice. I'm obviously far too predictable :)

Just curious but, when you felt 'normal', whilst taking Lithium and Lamotrigine, did you still feel the need for danger and excitement in the same way as you do now?

I don't know how it works there with healthcare if you have no insurance. It's so different here in the UK so please excuse my ignorance. Are there no other ways to get help? Surely there are many who need help and are in the same situation as you financially?
 
S

SF2015

Guest
Thank you for posting this... "Even when I tried to exit, I was just looking for the next logical step in this process. It just seemed like the thing to do and made sense in my mind." - I too felt the same way.
 
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