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i am not sure if i belong

Rolin

Rolin

Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2011
Messages
10
Location
USA - MA
i have never been diagnosed with any thing

but

this is what i feel
i know i just dont fit in
i know i am inept in social situations
i am always on the look out for rejection
i have strait up told my very very few close friends i expect them to betray me some day

i cant tell you what anxiety feels like... though i probably have experinced it...
i avoid most things ...
i only leave the house to go places i am absolutely sure of how to get there ...
or with people i trust ...
i dont go to bars, movies, or malls alone...
i dont get involved with social things unless... i can be in control or am sure of the outcome... or if i am with some one i trust...
when ever there is an un expected outcome or error happens in a social situation i spend quite a bitt of time worrying about it...

i am currently taking some classes at a local college to update my skills...
i can do this cause i know the way ... im sure id freek a little if i ever needed an alternate route..
and i can do this becuse most people at colleges tend to be unconcerned with people around them and it lets me move almost unseen ...
i crave social interaction ... as a little kid i was very out going .... and i still want to be but i worry about the interactions and the reactions...

the only time i realy feel happy is when i am playing a game... i am very competitive and in the heat of a game i can lose my self and just be in the moment.

but then some one askes me to hang out some where i dont know ...
or askes me to give them a ride home to some where i dont know ...
or any number of other things...
and i get a funny feeling and just walk away / or avoid it...

hell just typeing this i get a funny feeling
i would realy love to just delete this and walk away
but i will post it ... becuse this is the internet ... and here no one knows me ... and i can always run away latter
>.>
 
sallyG

sallyG

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2009
Messages
1,693
Location
Essex England
well done on posting..it sounds very much like anxiety.i do hope you feel a little better posting onMHF.theres plenty of people who suffer with anxiety..me being one of them.
keep posting and i hope someone will be along to help you more than i can.
merry christmas to you.
 
Rolin

Rolin

Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2011
Messages
10
Location
USA - MA
thanks for the responce

>.<

its funny every time i look on forums where i post i find my self wondering what people are thinking of what i said...
so often i find my self asuming the worse...
its hard for me to post things
i spend half an hour to and hour writeing and rewriteing it
trying to figure out how people will react ... trying to stay incontrol
the doubts... will i sound stupid ... i must sound stupid... why do i bother...
and finaly i post something ... then the waiting and worrying

i know i am ugly, i know i dont fit in, i know i will allways be alone, i know that i am socialy inept, and i rember once long ago being happy...
and that makes it hurt

i avoid things where i am not incontrol
i avoid things becuse then i cant be hurt or betrayed... cause then i cant sound stupid... so i wont be rejected
but i hate being alone
then i hate my self
its myfault i am alone
its myfault i cant conect with people

if i am this messed up then they will reject me ...eventualy
and so i run ... emotionaly

how do i face a problem when all i want to do is run from it

and the best part is now i am going to be stressing my self over what people are thinking as they read this
 
E

Esmin

Active member
Joined
Dec 19, 2011
Messages
39
Hi I understand everything you have said and I just wanna stress that you are not alone! and I know that may sound unhelpful as people have
said it to me in the past and ive thought that i still feel alone, but the more you listen to the people on here the more you realise that we are
all in this together and we are the same but at the same time that doesn't make us bad people or unworthy of anything good.
I think that you are a brave individual for posting on here and what you have said is not something to be ashamed of, you have expressed how you feel, if you would like to talk to anyone in particular you can call apon others here and you cam pm me if you need or want to.
 
Rolin

Rolin

Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2011
Messages
10
Location
USA - MA
but i am alone
i am not brave
i am a coward

but it is my fault i could have done something to stop this before i got to this point
i didnt .... then if its my fault .... arnt i geting what i deserve ?

i am not brave
brave would be taking a risk
there is little risk in posting on the internet under a name where no one knows me
i cant be hurt by any thing i say here
if it gets to be tomuch i can walk away here and it will be over
its not that easy in the real world

i am alone
sure on the internet i can talk to people dealing with similar things
but at the end of the day i am alone
i use to think there is nothing worse then being all alone in the dark
but there is .... being all alone in a crowd
the internet is a filter a safty net but i realy do still feel alone
and one day when i run away from things again
when i disapear
i will be alone

i am a coward
if i am not brave then i must be a coward
theres more i could say but its not time for a story

i want to be happy
i want to be outgoing
i want to be social
i want to be popular
but i dont know if i deserve any of those
 
E

Esmin

Active member
Joined
Dec 19, 2011
Messages
39
Hi again rolin

I feel exactly the same most of the time! so in that sense you are not alone in the world of feeling cowardly. I would love to outgoing, popular able to communicate with others with ease.
You sound like you have very low self esteem, is there anyone within your mental health system that you can talk to? and if so find out if there are any groups that you can go too to help boost you.
I have found that being around people with mental health issues is easier and i thought i could use that as a stepping stone and try to practice my social skills by going to groups set up for the mentally ill.
I have been feeling alot better since also see if you can maybe try doing some voluntary work. If not just try the group work first and work up from there.
I have still got issues despite my progress but the one thing i didnt have before is the fact that i can see the progress and although at the moment its far away from where i know i wanna be it is progress which has been gradual but i know i am not completely stood still and i am moving along all be it at a slow pace.
honestly please understand i know of the pain associated with a condition like yours, but even though you can not see it now it will come and when it does try to be aware of it even though it may be small write it down if you need too.
I hope that you can begin to feel better and please keep posting as doing so in itself can be very healing



but i am alone
i am not brave
i am a coward

but it is my fault i could have done something to stop this before i got to this point
i didnt .... then if its my fault .... arnt i geting what i deserve ?

i am not brave
brave would be taking a risk
there is little risk in posting on the internet under a name where no one knows me
i cant be hurt by any thing i say here
if it gets to be tomuch i can walk away here and it will be over
its not that easy in the real world

i am alone
sure on the internet i can talk to people dealing with similar things
but at the end of the day i am alone
i use to think there is nothing worse then being all alone in the dark
but there is .... being all alone in a crowd
the internet is a filter a safty net but i realy do still feel alone
and one day when i run away from things again
when i disapear
i will be alone

i am a coward
if i am not brave then i must be a coward
theres more i could say but its not time for a story

i want to be happy
i want to be outgoing
i want to be social
i want to be popular
but i dont know if i deserve any of those
 
Rolin

Rolin

Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2011
Messages
10
Location
USA - MA
i know i am not alone in feeling cowardly

but

i am cowardly becuse i could have stoped all this before it got this bad
i ran long ago and never stoped
i told my self i made the moral choice
i told my self alot of things
now i regret those choices and see the choices made as only being to afraid ... to cowardly

i am trying ...sorta
its a little tricky
i havent seen a gp in umm 7 years +.... bit of a long story.... so no direct links
i use to see a psych md cause of my ADD but realy long ago she pissed me off and that pushed me to deal with my add on my own and that was good but not much of a conection there
also long ago i saw a psych phd ... i was bullied alot in the distant past... and i still have some trust in him
i have been trying to contact him its hard for me
hes been out sick recently and i am so screwed up when it was 2 weeks between a opening statment (i started with just asking for advice...i am realy bad at being direct...got a reply to that so i sent back more info)... i realy wasnt reacting well
long story short its very slow right now and the holidays dont make it any faster >.<
aside from him realy theres no one cause i just dont trust people
it is realy hard for me to ask for help

and it dosent help that even now i look for excuses to avoid dealing with it
like my last few emails have all ended with if my insurance covers it
the last time i saw this guy i had diffrent insurance... back then it was from my fathers job
he is long ... ok about 5 years retired now ... and i dont have a job ... all the jobs in my field are outside my comfort zone ... outside the few areas i can go with out geting a odd feeling and then avoiding it ... so ive used every excuse in the book to avoid a job .... fortunatly i have great parents and being the youngest of 3 .... any way
i have state funded insurance which while i know covered my surgery i needed back in nov
and probably would cover this ... its like i need this door so i can run away the moment it gets tomuch ....

and after all that i am trying to do this with out any of my close friends or family knowing
so it realy has to be some where i can get to on my own and that limits it to 1 place realy ...
fortunatly thats the one place that theres some one i have atleast a little trust in
 
E

Esmin

Active member
Joined
Dec 19, 2011
Messages
39
Hi Rolin,

I know what you mean about the trust thing with others as I too find it very difficult to trust others even if they tell me time and time again that they care I can never fully let my deffences down. I used to be worse than I am now but i think for me the driving force of trying to improve things for myself is my daughter. I can't take her to school as im to anxious to go to the school so her dad looks after her on school days and i dont see her till the weekend. It breaks my heart to not be able to be a normal parent to her and i constantly have to battle with the idea that if I can't overcome this for my daughter soon i will be branded a bad mother and feel so bad. but im starting to realise that to get out of the BAD feeling and this vicious cycle I have to try and adopt a new way of thinking and that for me is to accept the positives no matter how small and build. If you feel you have no positives then try to think of goals that you would like to reach starting off real small. Write down anything positive even a smile someone has given you or something nice someone has said or even think of a past happy memory. write down your inner dialog if you can catch it and then try to challenge those beliefs. One thing Ive been trying out is visualising places im scared of and trying to imagine a positive outcome. I hope I have helped even just a smidge and I hope you can find strength within to move on from your current struggles
All the best to you
 
Rolin

Rolin

Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2011
Messages
10
Location
USA - MA
again thanks for the responce

accepting positive things is something i am very bad at
i tend to laugh em off and asume they cant posibly be serious

heh
goals are a good thing...
my goals
hit a 170 lbs weight by sept
return to martial arts after hiting weight goal
get a job

yes non of those seem to be small goals
but i take the weight 1 week at a time >.>
my small goal is
drop 2 lbs or more per week thats how i will make my september goal

my weight goal has no room for failing
when i was little i never saw my self as fat or ugly
when i went through my own hell i never saw my self as fat or ugly
when i started gaining weight i didnt see it
but a few years back i started seeing my self as fat and ugly
and thats all i have seen since
and that just feeds my desire to avoid things and gives me more excuses
and i realy did get fat ... i started my weight loss back in feb at 324 lbs or a bmi 43.9
as of today i am down to a bmi of 31.7 ... or 234...
i push it for the last 4 months i have managed my goals with diet alone

and i need to get a real job
right now i survive only because i have parents who will help me
but they are geting old
at 70 and 74 (i am 30) i cant count on them for ever
but right now if i didnt have them i know i wouldnt survive

i think i need more small goals...
 
R

rachhh827

Member
Joined
Dec 28, 2011
Messages
12
Trust me, whatever happens in your head makes you belong even more. Everyone has lots of problems, i know you dont want to hear that. I never wanted to. Were all in this together. I struggle with anxiety. Depression. Bi pollar disorder. We can get through it with support. It sounds impossible but its not. You do belong.
 
Rolin

Rolin

Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2011
Messages
10
Location
USA - MA
i know every one has problems
some more then others
some worse then others
no ones perfect i get that

but i feel like i will never fit in any where
let me say that diffrently
i know i will never fit in
but do i even deserve to?

i would never say this about any one else
but my problems my screwed up head is my fault
everthing i went through that led to this is my fault

so do i even deserve to be happy
do i even deserve to fit in
to be "normal"

or should i just accept my fate of always being alone
 
E

Esmin

Active member
Joined
Dec 19, 2011
Messages
39
Hi again Rolin

I've often believed no matter how much suffering there is in the world I've always thought that im the only one who could never fit in with the general population. So to hear you almost echo what ive said to myself before is of some comfort. Its unbearable to feel this way, believe me I know, but look at it like this if we both feel this way then surely there are others and if that is the case then we do fit in and it isnt unusual to feel this way?
 
Rolin

Rolin

Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2011
Messages
10
Location
USA - MA
i think part of my problem is... i cant forgive myself
in all the years since
i have come to the conclusion that that i am responcible for it all
everthing that happened that lead me to where i am

its hard to see any thing positive about myself any more

i know there are others who have similar feeling ... others who have gone through similar things
but they wernt responsible for them ... they arnt to blame for what happened to them
i can only see myself as responsible for what happend to me ... what made me like this
and it gives me all the reason i need to feel like i am more broken or that i dont fit in even with similar people
that i dont belong

theres no one left to fight...
 

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