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I am not able to understand myself / need help…

L

lonely.soul

New member
Joined
Feb 6, 2015
Messages
1
Hello I am AJ from India. I am 37 and unmarried. I am in a problem. First of all I would like to discuss my early life briefly. My father was alcoholic and my uncle was mentally unfit (he used to live with us). I never liked my father as he used to beat my mother. My childhood was full of terror. I started feeling insecure in this world when I reached my teenage. I started feeling my self as alien in this world. Now I am full of doubts and confusion. I don’t know why I feel attracted towards guys. In office when I see any confident guy, I started feeling that wish he could be my brother who can give me emotional support, love and make me feel secure. But at the same time I start feeling attracted toward him sexually. I am very pessimist and under confident person. Whenever someone become my friend I become possessive towards him and also ready to do anything for him. Because of this mostly people use me as a doormat. At the end I feel alone because I feel cheated or other person leave because of my controlling nature. I have faced many heart breaks and pains. I am very confused and restless. I am not at all happy with my life. At present the only reason of my presence on this earth is my mother who loved me and I can’t leave her. I tried to change myself but I am not succeeding. I am not able to understand what is happening with me and how should I make my life smooth. I feel alone and depressed. I am full of inferiority complex. I always think that why nature had made me like this? I am on anti depressant from last 20 years, but these medicines are not helping me. I am feeling very alone now. It seems that no one is there who can understand me. I feel that there is a emptiness in my life. I am worried about my future. Life is very listless and meaningless. What to do where shall I go. I prefer to die but I can’t because of my mother. Can any one help me and show me the way? I will be really thankful.
 
Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 18, 2013
Messages
2,192
Location
East of England
Hi AJ and :welcome: to the forum. I'm sorry you are in such turmoil and pain at the moment. You have raised a number of problems so it's difficult to know where to start to unravel them and offer you support. Could you clear one thing up first - are you living in India now or somewhere else? This will make a difference to how people can advise you.
 
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