• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I am new here, I want to be at peace now

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noonoo66

New member
Joined
Feb 15, 2015
Messages
4
Firstly I have come here as a means to possibly lift me from the overwhelming urge to end my life. I have had 6 failed suicide attempts over the past 18 years the last being 4 weeks ago, and prior to that June last year, 4 weeks ago I honestly thought there is no way I would survive but after being unconcious for almost 2 days I woke up in hospital yet again attached to a drip and all kinds of monitors. I can't believe my body won't let go. I then went to a psychiatric hospital which was a horrendous experience and my only way to get out of there was to pretend that I regret what I did and am now fine. I have regular home visits from the crisis team and see my doctor weekly, I suffer depression, anxiety and insomnia so am on 3 different types of medication, I also self harm as a release which can stop me from taking things further. Even with the medication I struggle to sleep. I have been awake for nearly 40 hours and cried constantly for about 26 of them. I had childhood abuse which has caused the depression and suicide attempts, I only opened up about the abuse after the attempt in June and am not sure I should have said anything. It put a massive strain on my marriage which is now just about over . We are having a family holiday in 4 weeks because we booked it a year ago but then we are separating, I don't know if I can hang on for the holiday because I really have had enough of life, I am torn because I want to have 2 weeks with my children and let them have their holiday before I end my life but the pain I am suffering is unbareable. I am so sorry to go on I am just in a very dark and lonely place.
 

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
Welcome to the forum.

Sorry that you are hurting so much at the moment.

Marliee x
 
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fair&square75

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2014
Messages
166
Location
England
Hi Noonoo,so sorry you're going through this,its the worst thing in the world for anyone to go through I believe...can you keep posting here,there's lots of people who have been in your shoes,I hate to say it because i totally understand how you feel,but there is still a chance you can get better,I too have tried taking my own life,and thankfully I'm still here and glad I am,sorry I'm not of much help,but try keep posting if u can,there's lots of friendly unjudgemental people on here.....how long have you been on your medication for? Is there a chance they could be increased or changed to try help you? Sending u my love,please stay around and we will try everything to help you x
 
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noonoo66

New member
Joined
Feb 15, 2015
Messages
4
Thank you for welcoming me and your replies, I was on the highest dose of one antidepressant and after the last overdose 4 weeks ago they changed my antidepressants to another one which along with the sleeping tablets and tablets for anxiety are supposed to help me sleep. My gp wants to increase my dose but my psychiatrist doesn't so I am not sure what will happen. I don't know if I will be strong enough to keep going till my next appointment. I am hurting and hate myself for being such a failure. I really appreciate you making me welcome and I will do my best to keep posting xx
 
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noonoo66

New member
Joined
Feb 15, 2015
Messages
4
Thank you for your kind words and support. I have managed to sleep an hour in the last 48hrs. I have wrote a letter for my husband and children in case I can't hold it together till my next appointment. I do have a great gp and some of the crisis team members have been good but others have made me feel worse. The thing is I don't feel I can be honest with them about my feelings because I am scared of them locking me up again and I don't want my choices being taken away from me. The separation from my husband has hit me worse than I thought possible, after being together over 13 years he doesn't seem even slightly bothered. At the minute we are still living together but in separate rooms, he is laughing and joking with his mates and acting like nothing matters, and my world has fallen apart. If I can give my children their last holiday with me and leave them with some nice memories I will be happy but as each hour goes by all I think about is ending this torture I am feeling. I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am sorry to bring my problems here it's just the only place I feel I can be honest xx
 
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noonoo66

New member
Joined
Feb 15, 2015
Messages
4
Thank you Nikita, you are right it is really difficult and breaking my heart that my marriage is over. Before meeting my husband I was in an extremely violent relationship and my ex almost killed me on a couple of occasions, that along with the abuse I suffered from the age of 11 has made me struggle to trust anyone. I don't want my kids to know just what state I am in, my daughter doesn't live at home she is 21 this year and lives with her boyfriend but my son is still at home. Him and my husband laugh and joke looking at attractive women on the Internet social network sites and although I try my best not to let it get to me it but it really hurts.
I don't want to end up sectioned, I feel I am in this situation because I had my choices taken away from me as a child and I don't want it to happen again. I was so close to being sectioned when I was in the hospital but I managed to make them believe that I was ok. I know everyone has different types of mental health problems but they put me in a locked up ward with people screaming and shouting and scaring me. The place was disgusting and filthy, I didn't eat anything because it was so dirty, I drank half a small bottle of water which I took in with me because it was the only clean thing I could drink from. I was lied to by the professional staff and made to feel terrible. I just can't risk ending up back in there by telling anyone my true feelings. I think my main reason for wanting to give up now is my marriage. I don't drink but I do smoke, only about 7 a day and not in the house and am not really smoking that at the minute because I feel so sick and have brought up everything I have tried to eat over the last couple of days and my stomach is up the wall I can't keep off the toilet. I just want it all to end xx
 
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