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I am lost and don't know what to do or think

J

jusbil700

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
6
Location
Poland
Hi everyone,
my name is Justyna and I have been depressed for 10 years. Last 4 years have been quiet, I focused a lot of work, my parents and education. I planned change profession so it was the most important thing for me then. I was single with broken heart but work and studies helped me forgot about that.

One year ago, when I achived what I wanted, I started think about my own family. I belived that I am ready for new relationship because I thought that I need to learnt live alone with myself which I was doing for 4 years. But now, being in relationship, I don't know what to do because it looks like before - I often cry, feel fears and angry. When I am in argue with my partner I often isolate myself hearing my thountgs about how bad I am and that I will die alone - in short of course.

I have all what I wanted, I learnt and I learn everything what I want and need. I know what I want from live - have someone to love and being loved. But I think that my person or depression (I don't know) never alow me achive this even when I will start pull my hair out.

When We start argue, I feel angry and fears in one time. I start isolate myself and hearing in my head (on beginning) "how he can", "fuck it" and similar. I start plan day without thinking about him. Later, when it lasts, I start feel guilty and hearing that I am bad and I will never be happy and have family (be with someone). I feel big fear because I don't want to live alone again, I don't have power for that. I love him so much, I never thought I will love again. Because of it, I often feel empty and very very quick... I don't want to live anymore. I am tired, without any hope. Know what it's "funny"? Everything what I wrote about feelings lasts... few hours, maximum 2 days. I feel and have a lot of thoughts in short time what is very stressfull and tiring.

Now I take pills and it helps me to sleep and feel less emotions. In addition, I know myself, I know my problems and I know that I need to change something. I said to myself that I have to get used to that because... what? I try to help myself, I went to psychologist, I went to psychiatrist but I have a lot of experience with doctors and true is that in my country when you don't have money, you will lose. I don't know what to do because I did a lot to understand but I can't control myself when I start feel those emotions.

I am very lonely person, I don't have friends which understand me. They know about my problems but I think they prefer keep it away because they don't know what tell or how to help me. I used to it but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

Another example which I can't control - when I see diffrent my partner's behavior (he less writes to me for example), I know that it hurted him and he don't want to talk with me because he is sad or he doesn't know what to write ... I know that, but in my head I have diffrent thoughts. Everything says me that he thinks something like "screw you", "i don't want you". And, I want or not, I start be like a tank - ready to war and defend myself.

For the end, sorry for my english but this is the first time when I try to find someone to talk in Internet not in my country. If I did mistake, feel free to corect me. I want to now english better so it will be also helpful.

If you read that all - I very much appreciated that.

Have a great day.
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
741
Your English is very good.

Depression often brings about second guessing of what others will do. There is a fine line between thinking too little about something and over-thinking something. Depression will often push this line in one direction or the other. We either think not enough about something and end up making a poor decision, or we over-think resulting in us wasting a lot of nervous energy and doing nothing, hence just storing up problems for ourselves.

I find that when I think I am worried about a problem in my personal life and do not know if I am over-thinking the problem or not thinking enough about the problem, I do something practical that does not require much thinking, such light physical activity, doing household chores, or a hobby or pastime that is not too engrossing. That way I do not totally block out the problem, but neither do I focus is not totally on the problem. That, I find, restores the balance between not thinking enough and over-thinking.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,462
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Messages
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nowhere
What do you think you can do to help build your self esteem outside of relationships? What are your interests?

I think if you do this, it will help a lot. Your dependence on what other's think won't matter as much.
 
J

jusbil700

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
6
Location
Poland
Your English is very good.

Depression often brings about second guessing of what others will do. There is a fine line between thinking too little about something and over-thinking something. Depression will often push this line in one direction or the other. We either think not enough about something and end up making a poor decision, or we over-think resulting in us wasting a lot of nervous energy and doing nothing, hence just storing up problems for ourselves.

I find that when I think I am worried about a problem in my personal life and do not know if I am over-thinking the problem or not thinking enough about the problem, I do something practical that does not require much thinking, such light physical activity, doing household chores, or a hobby or pastime that is not too engrossing. That way I do not totally block out the problem, but neither do I focus is not totally on the problem. That, I find, restores the balance between not thinking enough and over-thinking.
Thank you for your msg!

My life is one big "do something all the time to not think too much"... but it works only when I don't want to hear in my head that I waste my time (I hear it often when I don't want to do nothing special). In situations with people where I really care it doesn't work because I start feel bad emotions sooo deep. Fears, sadness, angry... I am full in it and this is the most hardfull thing for me to stop that. When it starts I really can't think clearly, I can't be focus and in one second I lose any hope, helplessness is my main emotion.
 
J

jusbil700

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
6
Location
Poland
What do you think you can do to help build your self esteem outside of relationships? What are your interests?

I think if you do this, it will help a lot. Your dependence on what other's think won't matter as much.
I tried a lot of new stuffs to change my thinking schemes - meditation, exercises in psychological books, watch programs to learn "why" and start do something to stop that or change. Unfortunately, nothing works so well as private theraphy which I can't continue because of money. Also theraphist's time, when I had call I heard that I have to wait six months. When I had tried get on public theraphy I heard "sorry, we don't have a free place" without any information about another options which is very demotivating.
 
P

Purpleplum

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nowhere
I tried a lot of new stuffs to change my thinking schemes - meditation, exercises in psychological books, watch programs to learn "why" and start do something to stop that or change. Unfortunately, nothing works so well as private theraphy which I can't continue because of money. Also theraphist's time, when I had call I heard that I have to wait six months. When I had tried get on public theraphy I heard "sorry, we don't have a free place" without any information about another options which is very demotivating.
It's good that you've tried those things. What about interests you have. Hobbies?
 
J

jusbil700

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
6
Location
Poland
It's good that you've tried those things. What about interests you have. Hobbies?
Most of my hobbies are homy interests - books, music, games, movies. I have dogs so I like to walk with them. But the most time of my life I had spend at home.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Most of my hobbies are homy interests - books, music, games, movies. I have dogs so I like to walk with them. But the most time of my life I had spend at home.
So what about joining an animal group, or a book club, etc... Do you have any meet up groups in your area?
 
J

jusbil700

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Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
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Location
Poland
So what about joining an animal group, or a book club, etc... Do you have any meet up groups in your area?
I always wanted start new hobby which give me some fun like dancing, team sports, sining.... but I fears people so deep. I have social phobia (another super power). Now is not so bad as earlier (I can buy alone coffe in mcdonald for example) but places where are a lot of people which you have to cooperate or be next to them (gym, volleyball) make me I feel like a pillar of salt.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
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US
Your English is very good.

Depression often brings about second guessing of what others will do. There is a fine line between thinking too little about something and over-thinking something. Depression will often push this line in one direction or the other. We either think not enough about something and end up making a poor decision, or we over-think resulting in us wasting a lot of nervous energy and doing nothing, hence just storing up problems for ourselves.

I find that when I think I am worried about a problem in my personal life and do not know if I am over-thinking the problem or not thinking enough about the problem, I do something practical that does not require much thinking, such light physical activity, doing household chores, or a hobby or pastime that is not too engrossing. That way I do not totally block out the problem, but neither do I focus is not totally on the problem. That, I find, restores the balance between not thinking enough and over-thinking.
Really good advice. I always overthink to the point where I feel frozen in making any decisions. Will work on this with your advice!
 
M

Mistral

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Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
741
Most of my hobbies are homy interests - books, music, games, movies. I have dogs so I like to walk with them. But the most time of my life I had spend at home.
It is OK to have hobbies that you do at home. Books, games and movies can have an escapism side which would not help you as far as I can see. A hobby would involve a particular interest in a type of book or a particular type of movie. Something that you can call your own. You can chose who you share the interest or hobby with. You might only want to share it with other enthusiasts of your speciality. That is fine. Your could try growing things or doing crafts such as jewellery making or doing woodwork.
 
zula77

zula77

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Jan 10, 2021
Messages
85
Location
York
Thank you for your msg!

My life is one big "do something all the time to not think too much"... but it works only when I don't want to hear in my head that I waste my time (I hear it often when I don't want to do nothing special). In situations with people where I really care it doesn't work because I start feel bad emotions sooo deep. Fears, sadness, angry... I am full in it and this is the most hardfull thing for me to stop that. When it starts I really can't think clearly, I can't be focus and in one second I lose any hope, helplessness is my main emotion.
You're so aware that you need to DO something to stop thinking that you think more...I'm the same and the only way I snap out of it is by doing something useful/productive e.g. studying, washing, cleaning out my gerbils. But really we should allow ourselves to chill out, it's just so hard. Rather than run from the negative feelings try writing them down and arguing with them. And make sure you always talk to your partner so they understand how you're feeling and can support you
 
J

jusbil700

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
6
Location
Poland
...Your could try growing things or doing crafts such as jewellery making or doing woodwork.
Thank you for your msg! Now, I don't need do more or know something new. I think that I need someone to talk, someone which will help me find myself because I often don't know what to think about my deeds or thinking scheme.


And make sure you always talk to your partner so they understand how you're feeling and can support you.
Here is a very big problem because when I feel that he doesn't understand me I can't start think that it is too hard for him. My first think is that he doesn't care and in one moment I am like a tank - ready to war. I start be agry and I isolate myself. In my life I didn't experience father's love which I always really wanted. I think this is reason why I change my position in one moment - I don't wanna damand love and in every situation when we can't come to terms I see very big problem where in reality it doesn't exist.

What I want to say (because I feel that again I can't describe it correctly) is that when I meet someone and start relationship, I start to live it. I feel so happy and my heart is soo warm, like never in my life (I have problems to feel some more in my life, never mind it concern every day or relationship). But than, when I feel something similar than when I tried get some love from my father, I destroy it defending myself because I see everywhere danger. Because of it I start think that I don't know what is love because in one moment I start be like a enemy, not partner. I am not agresive or saying painful words, but I act like I don't care and later start crying when nobody watchs.

The biggest problem for me that I can't look on situation on diffrent way. I know these possible others ways, but when I feel bad, I take everything soo personal.
 
M

Mistral

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Messages
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Incidentally I cannot take the credit for saying " And make sure you always talk to your partner so they understand how you're feeling and can support you." That was zula77. Easy to get things like that mixed up when you are new to the forum.

You seem to be acting on your feelings in a way that is harmful to yourself. We are not responsible for what we feel, but we are responsible for how we react to those feelings. You are not taking out your feelings on other people, but you seem to be taking them out on yourself.
 
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