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I am in love with my psychiatric nurse & he also had feelings... HELP?!

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emilyann16

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Hello, I just turned 19 years old and my psychiatric nurse is 54. his name is nick and I will call him that just to save confusion.

My contact was cut off with him due to the fact I made a complaint about his behaviour. it was unprofessional and my father also picked up on this. I have known nick for 6 years (since I was 13) and he was professional up until I was about 16, then his behaviour noticeably changed. he started getting personal and asking if I wanted to go to taekwondo with him and his son and then go back to his house afterwards for dinner with his family... which was a huge red flag. then it was disclosed that I had a short term sexual relationship with a 50 year old man and nick asked my dad "what does she see in him and not in me?" which is also a red flag. my dad said nick looked disappointed and uncomfortable when he told him that I didn't like older men in general. he called me attractive and then I told him not to say anything, he replied "its hard not to mention it". nick and I used to joke all the time, we were laughing at something then he stated "see, whats not to like... you're funny and-" then he abruptly stopped because I reckon I looked uncomfortable? anyway, he has made many more comments along with staring at me without breaking eye contact... also saying that I "rocked his world" in front of my psychiatrist!

there was an investigation over the complaint I made and it is coming to a close in the next few weeks. he has been temporarily suspended from work but he will definitely go back, ill make sure of it. I am not letting him get fired. I don't want to ruin his life. he is already broken deep down and the last thing I want is to find out he had committed suicide over it and/or he hated me. I don't want him to hate me either, that would be the worst thing ever. despite finding the remarks creepy, I do love nick. he stuck with me throughout and he could've referred me on anytime if he wanted to give up, but he pulled me right through the other side with him and now he is gone I am heartbroken. he was the only person to ever make me smile the way I did when I was with him, I felt something special which I have never felt before - every time I saw him I felt the urge to smile even if I was depressed.

my mom died when I was 15 and he was there ceaselessly to ensure my well being. he would call every day.. now, my number is blocked, he avoided eye contact with me... I can't do this anymore... what can I do to get him back? I've been discharged now so once the investigation is over (possibly leaving it for a few months) I need to find a way to see him? he told me that he didn't want it to end on bad terms either.


thank you, if you have any questions please be free to ask x
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

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Nick's behavior has been very unprofessional. He is in a position to take advantage of ANYONE under his care and if he is doing his job properly he shouldn't get involved with them on a personal level. That is part of the deal when he signed up to the job of psychiatric nurse and he should have known that. Any medical professional would know that that they should not enter into any personal relationship with a patient - it called abuse of a dominant position.

If Nick was being professional he would have passed your psychiatric care onto another professional the minute he found a personal personal interest in you beyond your psychiatric care.

I'm not questioning whether our feelings for Nick are genuine, but I am concerned that he is abusing his position. How many other patients has he made approaches too?
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Alarm bells are ringing for me from what you said in your post, as Domino said he should of referred you on as soon as he started getting too attached to you :hug:

Could you ask to get referred on to someone else? :hug:
 
Flameheart

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hes already broken several boundaries, I'd go as far as saying he has groomed you
 
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emilyann16

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Nick's behavior has been very unprofessional. He is in a position to take advantage of ANYONE under his care and if he is doing his job properly he shouldn't get involved with them on a personal level. That is part of the deal when he signed up to the job of psychiatric nurse and he should have known that. Any medical professional would know that that they should not enter into any personal relationship with a patient - it called abuse of a dominant position.

If Nick was being professional he would have passed your psychiatric care onto another professional the minute he found a personal personal interest in you beyond your psychiatric care.

I'm not questioning whether our feelings for Nick are genuine, but I am concerned that he is abusing his position. How many other patients has he made approaches too?
Thank you for your answer. And I’m not sure, my dad was told “in 33 years of doing my job I’ve had emotional attachments to 2 of my patients” so that leads me to believe I was one of them considering he told my dad this. I agree, he has abused his position and in the beginning I told his manager this and his colleagues but they all ignored me so I had to report him to the NHS.
 
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emilyann16

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Alarm bells are ringing for me from what you said in your post, as Domino said he should of referred you on as soon as he started getting too attached to you :hug:

Could you ask to get referred on to someone else? :hug:
Hey thanks for your answer, and I’m being discharged soon anyway!!
 
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emilyann16

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hes already broken several boundaries, I'd go as far as saying he has groomed you
Hello thank you for answering! I don’t want to sound stupid but can you please explain which part of it sounds like grooming? I have been quite blind to it all and it only just clicked with me recently that he was unethical. I agree, he has overstepped the boundaries too often
 
Shingle

Shingle

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I'm not sure that he has groomed you. What you have said has made me wonder if things were worded wrongly, inappropriate but not terms for firing someone. He has been too friendly and too familiar with you, but saying things in front of your dad makes me think this is not very serious but an older man being naive and saying too much.

Older men used to compliment me and i found it really inappropriate, perverse even, but that is how older men sometimes look at us. They know now, many of them, to keep their mouth closed and keep those thoughts in their head. Older men do find younger women attractive but not in the same way they find their wife attractive. It doesn't mean they wanted to have sex with me, just admiring a young woman. They used to be able to say we were beautiful and the old if i was ten years younger line. Twenty years or whatever.

Everything needs to be investigated. He i am sure cannot have any communication with you anymore so i think you should not contact him. If you are concerned something wrong has been done here by him then you should complain to the NHS. If you try and contact him you could potentially have police knocking on your door also.

I was told that i looked very attractive in a family photo once by a male nurse. He was smiling at me, i smiled, i didn't feel uncomfortable but was surprised that a nurse could say that. Then i realised that he was human and that it was a compliment and not creepy. I would say the same thing if roles were reversed.
 
Shingle

Shingle

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I have never been groomed or abused by older men so maybe i don't have that same bias or strong feeling. I have been what you could call flirted with, many times when younger, but far more younger men have grabbed me between the legs, breasts, and said things to me that were vile and extremely inappropriate and that is why this does not seem as serious to me. I'm sorry if i have offended anyone and hope i am correct in my judgement. None of us know apart from the poster, what really is behind all of this.

It doesn't matter now so try to forget it all. He has learnt a lesson from it i am sure. Try not to worry about it or him, he will think what he thinks no matter what you say. We cannot change people's minds easily so better to leave it now and leave him alone.

It might be difficult to get another nurse or the relationship difficult, they might be on guard now. Will you manage now discharged?
 
Flameheart

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well she lives in the UK and they have strict rules about the relationship between mental health professionals and their clients, it isn't just any old man complimenting her and being a creep, it's a professional she's known for years deciding to take advantage of the bond they built

I had a similar experience and grooming is what they described it as
 
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emilyann16

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I have never been groomed or abused by older men so maybe i don't have that same bias or strong feeling. I have been what you could call flirted with, many times when younger, but far more younger men have grabbed me between the legs, breasts, and said things to me that were vile and extremely inappropriate and that is why this does not seem as serious to me. I'm sorry if i have offended anyone and hope i am correct in my judgement. None of us know apart from the poster, what really is behind all of this.

It doesn't matter now so try to forget it all. He has learnt a lesson from it i am sure. Try not to worry about it or him, he will think what he thinks no matter what you say. We cannot change people's minds easily so better to leave it now and leave him alone.

It might be difficult to get another nurse or the relationship difficult, they might be on guard now. Will you manage now discharged?
I strongly disagree with this, i get what you’re trying to say but a mental health professional doesn’t act this way. He got way too close with me and developed an emotional attachment, it was unhealthy and of course I wouldn’t let him get fired because I genuinely care as stupid as it sounds. Thank you for your answer anyway
 
Shingle

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It is odd behaviour, and i would have also made a complaint or changed nurse, but i think grooming is a term used for people like football coaches who then rape young boys, or uncles who buy presents for nieces and then mollest them. I might be wrong, i appreciate somebody else used that term and it was similar (other poster) but i really felt this was not quite as bad as to require the word grooming. I also think the world has changed and we are supposed to be very professional now but 30 years ago maybe mental health nurses did invite their clients to family dinners and outings. Marilyn Monroe, a stupid example perhaps, also had dinner often with her psychiatrist and he wanted to show her a normal family life i think. He never overstepped the mark but some men are too friendly, tactile, open, and don't realise it is making someone uncomfortable.

You know how you felt though and were clearly not comfortable with the situation and your dad, did he have a word with the nurse? That might have helped, then changing nurse, save you being discharged.

I realise i should not be questioning this and it irritates me when people poke their nose in my buisness but i did read this post and it didn't feel right. I don't know why.

You are in love with him and he also had feelings for you - help

He had an emotional attachment. I really am interested in discussing this and understanding it but also understand if you don't want to. You had an emotional attachment to him. He has had an emotional attachment to a previous client. Did he go into more detail? he found you attractive, had a crush, which is ok but not to tell you that. He is far older. You had been discussing your past with him though and that you had a realtionship with an older man, 50? you are then opening yourself up for these discussions which i suppose if he wasn't your nurse you would not have discussed.

What is happening with the complaint? Have you heard anything?
 
Shingle

Shingle

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well she lives in the UK and they have strict rules about the relationship between mental health professionals and their clients, it isn't just any old man complimenting her and being a creep, it's a professional she's known for years deciding to take advantage of the bond they built

I had a similar experience and grooming is what they described it as
What was your experience?
 
Shingle

Shingle

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How did he take advantage? He didn't try to kiss her or anything more. He invited her out, is that what is wrong? I wouldn't like that either but i wouldn't think it was for sex.
 
Flameheart

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How did he take advantage? He didn't try to kiss her or anything more. He invited her out, is that what is wrong? I wouldn't like that either but i wouldn't think it was for sex.
taking advantage isn't always physical, as it's already been mentioned he broke many boundaries and attempted to build a personal friendship or relationship which is restricted for MH professionals to do especially to a minor or just anyone who is currently their client, full fucking stop.

and my experience was pretty similar, I was seeing a therapist at 15 who did home visits, he was supposed to see me once a week for an hour, but it turned into twice for sometimes 3 hours each session, he would cancel other appointments to spend time with me, his management got suspicious of it and stopped him from seeing me, but we continued to talk through facebook because I was highly attached until I stupidly told someone else under the same management that we were still in contact
 
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