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I am in love with a distructive person, Help please!

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doghouse

Member
Joined
Jan 25, 2009
Messages
13
Hello, I have been with my partner for 15 years, we have always had a wounderful relationship BUT, when we first lived together he regulalary "changed" his normaly sweet and placid nature, he would become paranoid and leave me, then return after a phone call, this went on and off for a while then his spells of changing became much, less and I began to understand the pattern more. We have been together for a long while now and I look forward to my partner comming home from work but never know what mood he will arrive in, it can last all night, his face even changes and he becomes very arrogant, I try my best to not argue but it is very difficult, the other day he even said the door was nearly off it hinges, I looked and the 300 year old door had screws so fast into the wood that they would be hard to loosen, anyway, to cut a long story very short, he does acknowledge he has a problem but will not see a Dr, I had some leaflet sent about Bipolar but he did not even look at it but he did watch a programme and said "that's me" My partner was adopted and strangley enough, his birth mother has diagnosed Bipolar and his adopted mother also has Bipolar and in her presense, I can feel the same tension and heavyness....Give me an idea of how I can help him as I feel it is wearing me down and I am sure I will end up cracking before he does....uy the way, I have worked in mental health as a social worker and a carer for years so I am a very understanding person, thanks, Doghouse
 
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doghouse

Member
Joined
Jan 25, 2009
Messages
13
Any suggestions of how to deal with mood swings?

Thanks, I know he has to seek treatment, he recognises he has a problem and often will go very quiet after a bad episode, he has siad he will go to a Dr but then say's no more. He also will not do the normal social stuff yet is realy good when he does have to interact. I deal with it very well usualy as I am a very laid back person but when he goes into a rant I try to get out of his way but as I run a business from home, I cannot just go out of the house and sometimes, if I do he will be the same when I get back, he had a particular bad episode last week and has been great ever since, just as if the top blew off now he is fine. I also find he is worse when he arrives from work as he cycles a long way, he also smokes, (regular cigaretts) and a smoke calms him down a bit and he will then appologise which I think is great. I also wounder how he is at work, as when in a mood swing he becomes very arrogant and will look down his nose, lituraly, at everyone. The worse part about his behavoiur is the paranoia, thinking things and saying things that are not real, they can be fairly minor, like the door, but once he swore I had been out in the car when I had been home all day and another time a few months ago when he was obliviouse to me and when packing the car, swung a huge bag of shopping into my leg tearing my muscle badly, I could hardly drive home and still have problems. I worry as the deepn!!! strangeness of his moods are worse and he cannot always pick up on appropriate behaviour. In my opinion, the best thing would be for him to watch a good documentary or read a book of someone with similar traites. My partner has Dylexia and I recognise some Autistic traits in him as I worked for many years with people on the Autistic spectrum. I questions, is there any non medical food or activity that can help as I notice that cycling make him worse and chopping wood makes him better
 
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saffron

Guest
heloo and welcome to the forum,

I agree with Dollit, it is impossible for a person to get the full benefit out of therapy/meds ect if they themselves have not agreed to it.

However, as a 'carer' there maybe things that you could do to encourage this.
Have you actually told him that he scares, worries and hurts you through his actions and that it would help if he at least talked to someone.

if you have worked in MH then you are probably more versed in what is out there to help and what to do yourself.

not sure what else to say really but I really hope things go well in the future for you both.

S
 
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doghouse

Member
Joined
Jan 25, 2009
Messages
13
I suppose realy I need advice on some stragigies I can use, I usualy start off cool and collected but then I get het up, trouble is a flair up affects me for day's and I sometime feel like giving up and leaving with nothing but I know he will suffer very badly if I do and of course I would suffer as he is my soul mate, although, unless I find some support/advice etc, I will head for an early grave at the worst or illness as I have issues with blood pressure, now treated and have a family history of strokes. Please, what do others suggest :- when faced with a barrage of insults and agression (only verbul for now) some times for hours or day's. How should I respond to his "Blank phase" when he even has a different face, usualy one eybrow raised and looking down his nose even pushing into me with things as if I was not there, I often get bruses from the hoover and of course the shopping, as well as being arrogant to others, e.g throwing money onto the counter, demanding attention in shops, always questioning if he has been ripped off by studying his recipts. I also know all of this behaviour is used at some point by everyone but I ashure people, it is different and my partner knows this but as I said before, he goes very quiet about it and only once said he would get help, so, any advice on practicle stuff please
 
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saffron

Guest
hello
I have found this link that might help.
http://www.oflikeminds.com/Articles.html

it has lots of articles and info on all sorts of things related to what you are looking for.

It is very hard not being able to help someone you love, especially when you can see the benefits but they do not. it is hard not to get frustrated and loose your temper when you feel helpless, but I am sure there are strategies out there, one thing I would say is that if it was me, I would want someone to encourage me to go out and do things with them, to have a cuddle but not be wrapped in cotton wool, and to have someone that will just listen when I need to let go, without any replies of 'you should' 'you should not' 'you do' you dont feel like that' or 'its not that bad' or 'others have got this or that'
anyway, think you get the gist.
best wishes
S
 

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