I am feeling so lost and so utterly alone

[Respecting myself]

It hit me this morning just how deep the feeling goes. I woke up feeling sick with dread and with an internal emptiness that is so painful now it’s now palpable to me.

My boyfriend who I love but with who I am locked in a turbulent relationship where he pushes me away in one way or another wants space from me – whereas when we were first together and until recently we would send sweet e-mails, banter via text and on a forum he goes on there is nothing except a goodnight text each night. I visit the forum where he goes and see him bantering and having fun on-line and I feel totally and utterly left out. It’s the feeling I got at school – everyone else had their groups and I was never allowed to join in and once again I am excluded – I feel so utterly sad about it.

When I do see him this week it will be for a day – I’ll come over on Saturday night and he’ll want to talk into the early hours when I am so utterly tired being on “normal time” rather than his current “nocturnal time”. Then when I wake up for breakfast he’ll languish in bed until early afternoon and I won’t have any quality time with him, we might cuddle and watch TV but that will be it.

I work in an office on my own pretty much most of the time, even when there are people here they are on calls or in meetings and I never feel totally included. I live alone and although I have aerobics I don’t see anyone really to talk to. Being with a boyfriend with social anxiety who will not meet my friends and family has meant that my social life is stuck in stasis where I see a few friends once in a while, but have no real regular network I can call on. My place is a bedsit and I can’t really invite people over for a cup of tea and I feel as though I’m imposing by keeping on inviting myself over to others as they have lives of their own.

I have been desperately trying to find some kind of self help group, in fact any group I can have regular contact with people to cut through this isolation, it would be helpful if they understood mental health matters as my work colleagues and friends, despite their support can’t really understand how hard things can be at times. I’ve written to my psychiatrist in desperation as I currently feel on the edge of a precipice. Although not suicidal I just feel as though I don’t want to be a part of this world any more if that will stop the pain I feel.

 

[Ainsworth]

hey mate, sorry you are having a hard time, i really cant add anything of value to help you as brain is 'gone' somewhere else atm

but as for being excluded, your not here (on this forum) i know its not RL or anything but being part of something is important and i hope you feel good about being here.

 

[Respecting myself]

THanks for that - everyone is making me feel right at home here, which is nice. I know it's not RL, but it's a start.

 

[Scared with BPD]

You'll never be lonely on here ....

Dear HazeyJ

I really relate to your message, I spend every day on my own whilst my husband is at work and I have lost all my friends now.

I used to be in a really good job which looking back on it now I realise I used as a mask to hide behind "I work in TV" rather than saying "I feel like a total fuck up and I am lost and incredibly sad". Yes, even whilst I was doing the job the latter is exactly how I felt.

I am guessing that you are younger than me, so not trying to use the card of older and wiser, but hopefully just a bit more worldly battered by MH than you, please can I say, even if it feels like at the moment your boyfriend is everything then I promise you he is not. Obviously, hopefully, as it sounds like you do get on, just in different timeframes, it could still work out really well. I am an early bird, up far too early most mornings and then need to equally sleep earlier at night. My husband is a night owl, they do say opposites attract.

Although I've been married for many years, he was only my second boyfriend ever and we didn't meet until I was 29 years old. Therefore, I had many, many, years being the single friend of lots of couples and even my family believed I would never meet someone and in their eyes "settle down".

I am 44 and have been as confused about life since I was about 11 years old. I am now trying to learn to take a lighter approach and embrace what other people call my crazy side and when it gets too much, like now, then I seek help from the Pros to hopefully put me back on the right track. I know there is no cure, but there is certainly help out there.

I wish you all the best and take care but mainly remember if it wasn't for us so called nut-jobs, how boring would this world be, we are an asset!!

Love Claire x

 

[danbrown87]

I also really relate to how you feel Hazey. Mental health issues are something that change people and make them deeper and more complex. There's so many people out there, but your experiences are totally individual and your own. You're obviously being pro-active and trying to make changes by being on a forum like this. All I can say is keep going! We're all here to help each other.

 

[simonsmith20092009]

hope things work out for you. Loneliness can be harsh. real harsh. I can really relate to the song by faithless 'there is not enough love to go around.'

 

[StrangeFormOfLife]

i know this topic is really old.. i hope it doesn't offend anyone that i'm dragging it up. I just typed "i feel so utterly alone" into google because i didn't know what else to do.. i can literally feel it effecting my entire body. It's not as bad right now, but a little while ago a truly wanted to curl up in a ball and try to sleep my way through this, actually i tried that, but i couldn't sleep because i couldn't stop thinking and feeling. i just want these feelings to go away. anyways, i'm new.. if anyone takes the time to read this, thanks for caring that much. i genuinely hope the op is in a better situation than she was when she first created this thread. I just feel so empty insides, like there is a void inside me (cliche i know, but i can't think of a better way to describe it) and the lack of substance is going to make my chest cave in on itself. I'd say it feels good to know i'm not alone in this, but it doesn't. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

[Aqueous]

You're not alone in feeling that way SFOL, I feel the same way often though probably not as extreme as that. It doesn't matter where I am or who I am with I feel alone because there are very, VERY few people that can actually "touch" me at the core of who I am - who I can really connect with - because I seem to be so unusual it's hard to find people like me enough to connect with.

You just have to try and soldier on and don't be a stranger to these forums.

 

[bert tomato]

Hi..I feel I am in the same boat as you Aq and Sfol. I really feel alone, I seem to have lost all my friends and I find it difficult to make new ones. I moved to a new city..where I dont know anyone and i live by myself. When I am at work - I look forward to going home, and when I am at home I have nothing to do. I am glad I have found these forums...comforting to know there are people with similar anxieties.

 

[StrangeFormOfLife]

Its not as if i'm ever physically alone. I usually "socialize" with plenty of people throughout the day. However, socializing and striking up pleasant conversation feels more like an act than a part of my nature. Even when i'm talking to people i feel completely disconnected from them. Often i find conversation to be very draining, like its a chore. I'm perfectly content most of the time to sit in silence thinking to myself. I often prefer that over talking to people. That being said, it doesn't mean i don't want to be with people or to connect with people. I understand and realize i'm an introvert by nature, but i don't see why that should mean i should feel so disconnected from others.

I feel for both of you. Burntfruit i don't think it would be fair to say i know how you feel, but i've been in similar situations many times over and its never easy. It always takes me a long time to form friendships when i move to a new location. Acquaintances i can usually gather pretty fast, but most people remain at that. Even those i do end up becoming friends with usually only end up as people that i spend time with but never really have any significant bond with. I usually find that finding some sort of activity that involves social interaction helps to meet people when i'm in a new place. That's because even though i'm not really shy, i'm definitely not outgoing. So unless interaction with others is required i usually don't meet new people. I find stuff like martial arts classes or volunteer work are good for that.

 

[StrangeFormOfLife]

Its not as if i'm ever physically alone. I usually "socialize" with plenty of people throughout the day. However, socializing and striking up pleasant conversation feels more like an act than a part of my nature. Even when i'm talking to people i feel completely disconnected from them. Often i find conversation to be very draining, like its a chore. I'm perfectly content most of the time to sit in silence thinking to myself. I often prefer that over talking to people. That being said, it doesn't mean i don't want to be with people or to connect with people. I understand and realize i'm an introvert by nature, but i don't see why that should mean i should feel so disconnected from others.

I feel for both of you. Burntfruit i don't think it would be fair to say i know how you feel, but i've been in similar situations many times over and its never easy. It always takes me a long time to form friendships when i move to a new location. Acquaintances i can usually gather pretty fast, but most people remain at that. Even those i do end up becoming friends with usually only end up as people that i spend time with but never really have any significant bond with. I usually find that finding some sort of activity that involves social interaction helps to meet people when i'm in a new place. That's because even though i'm not really shy, i'm definitely not outgoing. So unless interaction with others is required i usually don't meet new people. I find stuff like martial arts classes or volunteer work are good for that.

 

[bert tomato]

I think I just feel alone, because I am new to a new place. Starting again can be difficult. Another big factor is that I am trying to be as frugal as possible. So whenever I get an invite to meet my old friends down south, I panic because I imagine it will be an expensive night.

I can be pretty social, and good at making friends, but for various reasons perhaps I am seeking solitude. Another thing, was when I was on a large dose (for me) of Olanzapine, it really sapped the life out of me. I mean I even had difficulty constructing sentences, let alone getting out of bed.

I think it is easy to imagine other people having great social lives, leading to self-pity and self-loathing, because we seem to be missing out. In my experience, life can be a set of peaks and troughs, sometimes the sun is shining and sometimes it is raining. I am looking forward to the sun shining again

 

[violetelizabeth]

Oh my god, this so echoes how I'm feeling. When I first met up with my current boyfriend after 20 years via facebook we texed and messaged each other all the time I lived for those messages. Now 18 months on he refuses to text me anymore saying he's to busy 2 keep messing about on the phone and as we now live together its stupid and I need 2 calm down (what for?) I left split with my daughters dad after 14 years for this guy he was the love of my life 20 years ago and tracked me down on bloody facebook. I'm paranoid and sick with the thought he'll leave me for someone younger prettier funnier etc. When I met up with him he used to make me feel I was the only woman in the world now i feel lower every day. He takes coke at the weekends so spends all weekend in bed recovering til its time for work again Monday morning we had an incredible sex life and every weekend he promises we'll "play" but is usually too wrecked! I feel an idiot. But am addicted to him., as I was 20 years ago when he broke my heart . Anyone else would have been shown the door immediately. Every weekend he says we'll do somethng nice then his phone will ring with his cokehead mates and off to the pub he goes I'm even mug enough to pick him up at the end of the nite, or else he just stays in bed smoking and glued to his computer (funny how according to his history he's not 2 tired 2 watch pornhub). Sorry to dump on you but your post has touched a nerve let me know how your situation is getting on take care Jo xxxx

 

[DoctorStranger]

I typed in I feel so lost and alone, and it led me to this forum. I didn't know what to do, but I am glad that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I can't say that things are so terrible in my life. I just have this heavy feeling of loneliness. I am so glad that people on this forum are positive, it helps me to see that there are truly other people concerned for one another. The most amazing part is that they are total strangers. Thank you to everyone for getting this subject in the open, and for providing a forum that allows these things to be discussed. It is alot better than holding this inside. May God Bless you all <3

 

[DoctorStranger]

You must be a very strong person. God bless you