R
Respecting myself
Guest
It hit me this morning just how deep the feeling goes. I woke up feeling sick with dread and with an internal emptiness that is so painful now it’s now palpable to me.
My boyfriend who I love but with who I am locked in a turbulent relationship where he pushes me away in one way or another wants space from me – whereas when we were first together and until recently we would send sweet e-mails, banter via text and on a forum he goes on there is nothing except a goodnight text each night. I visit the forum where he goes and see him bantering and having fun on-line and I feel totally and utterly left out. It’s the feeling I got at school – everyone else had their groups and I was never allowed to join in and once again I am excluded – I feel so utterly sad about it.
When I do see him this week it will be for a day – I’ll come over on Saturday night and he’ll want to talk into the early hours when I am so utterly tired being on “normal time” rather than his current “nocturnal time”. Then when I wake up for breakfast he’ll languish in bed until early afternoon and I won’t have any quality time with him, we might cuddle and watch TV but that will be it.
I work in an office on my own pretty much most of the time, even when there are people here they are on calls or in meetings and I never feel totally included. I live alone and although I have aerobics I don’t see anyone really to talk to. Being with a boyfriend with social anxiety who will not meet my friends and family has meant that my social life is stuck in stasis where I see a few friends once in a while, but have no real regular network I can call on. My place is a bedsit and I can’t really invite people over for a cup of tea and I feel as though I’m imposing by keeping on inviting myself over to others as they have lives of their own.
I have been desperately trying to find some kind of self help group, in fact any group I can have regular contact with people to cut through this isolation, it would be helpful if they understood mental health matters as my work colleagues and friends, despite their support can’t really understand how hard things can be at times. I’ve written to my psychiatrist in desperation as I currently feel on the edge of a precipice. Although not suicidal I just feel as though I don’t want to be a part of this world any more if that will stop the pain I feel.
My boyfriend who I love but with who I am locked in a turbulent relationship where he pushes me away in one way or another wants space from me – whereas when we were first together and until recently we would send sweet e-mails, banter via text and on a forum he goes on there is nothing except a goodnight text each night. I visit the forum where he goes and see him bantering and having fun on-line and I feel totally and utterly left out. It’s the feeling I got at school – everyone else had their groups and I was never allowed to join in and once again I am excluded – I feel so utterly sad about it.
When I do see him this week it will be for a day – I’ll come over on Saturday night and he’ll want to talk into the early hours when I am so utterly tired being on “normal time” rather than his current “nocturnal time”. Then when I wake up for breakfast he’ll languish in bed until early afternoon and I won’t have any quality time with him, we might cuddle and watch TV but that will be it.
I work in an office on my own pretty much most of the time, even when there are people here they are on calls or in meetings and I never feel totally included. I live alone and although I have aerobics I don’t see anyone really to talk to. Being with a boyfriend with social anxiety who will not meet my friends and family has meant that my social life is stuck in stasis where I see a few friends once in a while, but have no real regular network I can call on. My place is a bedsit and I can’t really invite people over for a cup of tea and I feel as though I’m imposing by keeping on inviting myself over to others as they have lives of their own.
I have been desperately trying to find some kind of self help group, in fact any group I can have regular contact with people to cut through this isolation, it would be helpful if they understood mental health matters as my work colleagues and friends, despite their support can’t really understand how hard things can be at times. I’ve written to my psychiatrist in desperation as I currently feel on the edge of a precipice. Although not suicidal I just feel as though I don’t want to be a part of this world any more if that will stop the pain I feel.