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I am feeling scared and desperate

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sisterla

Member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Georgia
Hi, My daughter whom will soon be 17 tried to kill herself about a month ago after a disagreement we had. I want to believe that I did not cause her actions but that there is a bigger issue here that she has been hiding from everyone for maybe some time. Currently she is in counseling. She has always had goals until recently, she was always an honors student, she always talked about joining one of the military branches or going to college until a few months ago. she is purposely sabotaging any opportunity she has to do something with her life, she has become disrespectful in school and at home, distant and defiant. She adds that maybe she is not happy with her sexuality but wont talk about it. Often she has hinted that she may wait how things pan out with what she is doing and if she does not get the result she expected she will try to kill herself again. As parents, we feel like we are walking on pins or eggshells, we are afraid to leave her alone, afraid to say no, but we can't just say to everything. She beliefs that she should do and get whatever she wants, when she wants and everyone and everything should be now or else.

I am desperate, lost and scared
 
toutatis

toutatis

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
1,619
Location
New Zealand
Hi sisterla,

I'm real sorry you're having such a crisis with your daughter, it must be so heartbreaking and troubling. I don't have children myself, but my heart goes out to you.

I was, however, 17 once. A troubled lost insecure 17 year old, trying to make sense of my mind and feelings and the world around me. I'm obviously not a counselor or anything like that, but all I can tell you is please be accepting of your daughters points of view, agree to disagree, and be her equal and be her friend, as well as her mom. It's hard for young people to respect anyone's advises or even their support if they feel like they're not being accepted as people, as human beings, as equals. Obviously I have no idea about your relationship with your daughter but those are a few little pointers I have in terms of communication styles with young people. 🙏🙏🙏
 
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sisterla

Member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Georgia
Hi, thank you for your kind words.
My daughter and I had a very good and strong relationship, she understood I was her mother first but also her friend, I do believe I have been very accepting of others, I was raised not to discriminate just because they may think, act, believe or are different than me.
I do tell my baby that she is loved very much every day.
To be honest, I don't know where or when I failed her, but I do feel like a failure of a mother.
For her and my son, I would give everything I have and then borrow some if only I knew how to help her.
 
toutatis

toutatis

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Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
1,619
Location
New Zealand
You're very welcome.

No, you don't sound like you've failed your daughter at all, dear. You sound like a good mother and a good person. You're doing everything for your daughter obviously. I wish I knew what to tell you. I think with the help she's getting and the love she has in her life, your daughter will get through this difficult time in her life. You both will. Support is important, and she has that, so it's a very good sign @sisterla.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
Messages
9,155
Location
Nashua NH
You have not failed as a mother. Your daughter is going through something right now that is specific to her and may not have anything to do with her upbringing. I have many mental health issues and some of the most perfect parents. I have had many suicide attempts and my parents have nothing to do with that but they did help me through them.
Your daughter needs you to be the same firm but kind mother it sounds like you have always been. You should be strong snd confident in your parenting and still make choices that you believe to be in her own best interest without acting like you are having to walk on eggshells all the time. What was the nature of her suicide attempt? Has she indicated that she will do it again? xo, j
 
S

sisterla

Member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Georgia
You know, My husband and one of our older sons that live up north have been planning a hunting trip for quite some time and it is next week, nobody in the family knows what our daughter did because we don't want others to see her differently nor to judge her. But yesterday, she got herself suspended from class and varsity for being disrespectful to her teacher, now my husband feels that he needs to cancel this trip because he is afraid our daughter will do something, when she attempted on her life, she outload blamed me for reprimanding her and sending her to do her chores, he fears that with him gone she will try to manipulate any situation and then threat with hurting herself if I don't do what she wants.
Like I said before, I am at a lost here, I am a very strict mother but fair and loving too and she knows this, but I also feel that we cannot allow her to hold us hostage of every demand, tantrum that she has.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
9,155
Location
Nashua NH
You know, My husband and one of our older sons that live up north have been planning a hunting trip for quite some time and it is next week, nobody in the family knows what our daughter did because we don't want others to see her differently nor to judge her. But yesterday, she got herself suspended from class and varsity for being disrespectful to her teacher, now my husband feels that he needs to cancel this trip because he is afraid our daughter will do something, when she attempted on her life, she outload blamed me for reprimanding her and sending her to do her chores, he fears that with him gone she will try to manipulate any situation and then threat with hurting herself if I don't do what she wants.
Like I said before, I am at a lost here, I am a very strict mother but fair and loving too and she knows this, but I also feel that we cannot allow her to hold us hostage of every demand, tantrum that she has.

Was her attempt serious enough to land her in the hospital?
 
S

sisterla

Member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Georgia
You have not failed as a mother. Your daughter is going through something right now that is specific to her and may not have anything to do with her upbringing. I have many mental health issues and some of the most perfect parents. I have had many suicide attempts and my parents have nothing to do with that but they did help me through them.
Your daughter needs you to be the same firm but kind mother it sounds like you have always been. You should be strong snd confident in your parenting and still make choices that you believe to be in her own best interest without acting like you are having to walk on eggshells all the time. What was the nature of her suicide attempt? Has she indicated that she will do it again? xo, j
She left the school property during classes without permission and telling anyone, as her teachers were looking for her i contacted her on her phone. I went to pick her up and reprimanded her then I asked her to clean the kitchen, when she was done, she gave no indication of what she was about to do, she locked herself in her room and took an overdose along with something toxic, it took us and the paramedics a hard time to get her responsive again
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Messages
9,155
Location
Nashua NH
Those are very scary attempts I can definitely understand your fear in interacting with her in any way that would lead her to act out in this way again. I think it would be a good idea to have your husband stay home from his trip so you can feel well supported if anything should transpire. Your daughters actions seem extreme and somewhat unexplainable. Have you asked her why she is doing this and if there is anything you can do to help her stay safe?
 
S

sisterla

Member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Georgia
As frustrating and scary as it is, we have, and her Therapist has too. Her only response is I don't know what I want, I don't want feed back, I just want to do what makes me happy, and when asked what would make her happy, she answered I don't know, I want to see how it plays out, indicating if it's not what she wants she may not try today but maybe tomorrow.
For her, I don't know when is today and when is tomorrow
 
S

sisterla

Member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Georgia
This semester she is taking virtual classes due to the pandemic, but maybe what she really needs is return to face to face classes and be surrounded by other her age. I don't know
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Messages
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Location
Nashua NH
It sounds like a scary and uncertain time for you and your family. I’m sure it’s hard to know what to do with so much uncertainty. I think you are doing best by showing extra care and caution around your daughter as she works through this difficult period. Having her work with a counselor as you are doing might help to take some of the pressure off of you too. Does the counselor advise you on how to handle the situation based on their experience with these things?
 
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