I am destroying my relationship

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Sarabi_Gyarados

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I have recently realised that I have BPD. I am 30 years old, and I have sabotaged my romantic relationships at every turn.

I am currently in a relationship for just over a year with a man who is wonderful and kind. There are elements to the relationship that trigger my BPD, we are currently long-distance, I lost my mother this year and life generally feels a bit wobbly/unstable. This has given my BPD a playground to thrive.

My thought process is, 'well if everything is going to s***, my relationship might as well too.' I get such a feeling of sick satisfaction when I push my partner away.

I am very easily triggered and become explosive, cruel and angry. I tend to withdraw and disconnect completely, and then re-emerge volatile and crying with emotion. My partner has said it can feel like walking on eggshells as he doesn't know what will set me off.

Things that set me off include seeing attractive people (triggers sense of abandonment or that I am not good enough), nudity on television, raunchy music (triggers I am not enough), my partner wanting to do things without me (fear they don't want to be around me - I become withholding when they return which ironically pushes them further away), if they take too long to reply to a message, cut a conversation short or generally don't communicate the way I would 'like' for them too. Basically if they can't always be intense, passionate and crazy about me, I hate them.

I really don't want to destroy my relationship. Does anyone have any advice or can give me any help? Being loved makes me feel afraid, but I crave love so deeply.

I had a very coddling mother and aloof father so not sure if I am how I am partly because of those two extremes.
 
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Allyalz

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Its so hard to have to go through this. I do a lot of these things too and am afraid of being loved yet i crave it.
I think one of the key ways to maybe help things is to communicate with your partner. If he doesnt know whats going through your head its hard for him to do any counter measures to help alleviate some of the issues of abandonment etc. Maybe work out a plan together for when things are going downhill. I also have a code word with my husband if things are getting bad like if im out in public and my anxiety rises and i know it will lead to me taking it out on him, i say a word and he knows to take action.

Also if you havent done it, DBT can also help as you will learn skills that can aid you with dealing with a lot of these things.
I also do mindfulness every day now and it helps me not get gripped and taken down by my thoughts. I use an app called headspace which i cant recommend enough. Its brilliant. You have to put work in but things can improve in relationships.

Good luck. You can do this x
 
Edinscotbrit

Edinscotbrit

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You are on a collision course for your relationship to blow up.

I don`t have BPD, but this behaviour wilL eat away to the point your partner will , at some point, say "Enough", and walk away.

You don`t mention if you are on any medication or receiving counselling/therapy, but ,if not, this would be a good start.

We humans are very fallible, far from perfect, so please don,`t put your partner on a pedestal, and he should not feel he has to walk on egg shells around you. Yes, you have a mental health problem, but he should not be your whipping boy. He also has feelings, emotions, etc. He may not have BPD, but he has ptience, it would seem, but that`s going to run out.

Pushing him away and getting satisfaction from it, I doubt that will give you satisfaction if he walks away and doesn`t come back. You need to communicate with him and with yourself and realise if he doesn `t respond straight away, he is busy , he has his own life, it`s ok, and distract yourself.Doing stuff away from each other is a good thing, it`s good to have seperate interests, you are not joined at the hip.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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I have recently realised that I have BPD. I am 30 years old, and I have sabotaged my romantic relationships at every turn.

I am currently in a relationship for just over a year with a man who is wonderful and kind. There are elements to the relationship that trigger my BPD, we are currently long-distance, I lost my mother this year and life generally feels a bit wobbly/unstable. This has given my BPD a playground to thrive.

My thought process is, 'well if everything is going to s***, my relationship might as well too.' I get such a feeling of sick satisfaction when I push my partner away.

I am very easily triggered and become explosive, cruel and angry. I tend to withdraw and disconnect completely, and then re-emerge volatile and crying with emotion. My partner has said it can feel like walking on eggshells as he doesn't know what will set me off.

Things that set me off include seeing attractive people (triggers sense of abandonment or that I am not good enough), nudity on television, raunchy music (triggers I am not enough), my partner wanting to do things without me (fear they don't want to be around me - I become withholding when they return which ironically pushes them further away), if they take too long to reply to a message, cut a conversation short or generally don't communicate the way I would 'like' for them too. Basically if they can't always be intense, passionate and crazy about me, I hate them.

I really don't want to destroy my relationship. Does anyone have any advice or can give me any help? Being loved makes me feel afraid, but I crave love so deeply.

I had a very coddling mother and aloof father so not sure if I am how I am partly because of those two extremes.
I have had similar problems and to me it’s all to do with your lack of self worth and that you think you don’t matter, you are unlovable and worthless, usually all based on core beliefs from childhood.
You need to learn to slow yourself time to give you time to think before you act, these are called choice points. Meditation, Mindfulness, Yoga and exercise will all help to calm your emotional reactions to things, such that you can become less self destructive. If you don’t then you will both continue to suffer until it becomes intolerable. I wish you well.
 
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Sarabi_Gyarados

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I think you are right. Saying that, my self-worth tends to go from very low (I feel invisible, unlovable and only seen when I am in a romantic relationship or validated by others) to very high (I feel unstoppable, everyone should love me, my partner angers me for not being intensely spellbound at how amazing I am all day every day.)

The depression stems from the low tides and the anger comes in when my self-esteem feels high. I get angry that I am not recognised for my 'magnificence.'

I definitely have a self-destructive streak. It doesn't manifest as addiction or self-harming, but it comes out as pushing people away, isolating myself and not acknowledging my inner life and needs.

I idealise relationships so much. I find I am often disappointed by the limitations of a real life partner. I love the honeymoon stage for that reason but long-lasting relationships become a problem for me. I find boredom, mundanity or being ignored in favour of real life a real threat to my identity.

I rationalise it as love is one of the most important things in life and it should be special. Therefore when someone doesn't make me feel special I feel shortchanged and incredibly resentful. I find it hard to tell where the relationship might be wrong and feeding into these feelings, or where I am expecting too much.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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I think you are right. Saying that, my self-worth tends to go from very low (I feel invisible, unlovable and only seen when I am in a romantic relationship or validated by others) to very high (I feel unstoppable, everyone should love me, my partner angers me for not being intensely spellbound at how amazing I am all day every day.)

The depression stems from the low tides and the anger comes in when my self-esteem feels high. I get angry that I am not recognised for my 'magnificence.'

I definitely have a self-destructive streak. It doesn't manifest as addiction or self-harming, but it comes out as pushing people away, isolating myself and not acknowledging my inner life and needs.

I idealise relationships so much. I find I am often disappointed by the limitations of a real life partner. I love the honeymoon stage for that reason but long-lasting relationships become a problem for me. I find boredom, mundanity or being ignored in favour of real life a real threat to my identity.

I rationalise it as love is one of the most important things in life and it should be special. Therefore when someone doesn't make me feel special I feel shortchanged and incredibly resentful. I find it hard to tell where the relationship might be wrong and feeding into these feelings, or where I am expecting too much.
Its actually not your partner, I think you are flipping between Hyper Arousal and Hypo Arousal. The former is on the elation scale (and why isn’t everyone as excited as me) and the latter is in the detached depressive scale. Getting a book like The Mindful way out of depression by Kabat Zinn might help you gain a middle ground.
 

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Sarabi_Gyarados

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Its actually not your partner, I think you are flipping between Hyper Arousal and Hypo Arousal. The former is on the elation scale (and why isn’t everyone as excited as me) and the latter is in the detached depressive scale. Getting a book like The Mindful way out of depression by Kabat Zinn might help you gain a middle ground.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

I actually get offended when someone isn't as excited as me, I assume they aren't happy about seeing me.

When I feel low, I don't get why anyone else is excited.

You sharing this with me is helpful in understanding the process that may be happening for me.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

I actually get offended when someone isn't as excited as me, I assume they aren't happy about seeing me.

When I feel low, I don't get why anyone else is excited.

You sharing this with me is helpful in understanding the process that may be happening for me.
I am exactly the same, or should say was. It’s just your heightened emotions working at the extreme ends of the scale. The trick is to try to move towards the middle such that your thoughts are no longer upsetting. I’d recommend you try a book called The Mindful way through depression. 🤗
 
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Sarabi_Gyarados

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Hi Lunus. Thank you for your reply. Do you have any advice to help me move towards the middle of the scale?
 
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Sarabi_Gyarados

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Right now feeling a bit agitated with my boyfriend because communication is important to me and he has not replied yet.

I know he loves me. I just get annoyed without the regular dynamic. I won't voice this in RL, but can voice it here as it's a safe place to offset my emotions and thoughts.
 
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EstherRose94

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Sarabi i can relate to lots of this! Especially the bouts of “why aren’t people in awe of my magnificence”. Haha. I was SPOILED as a kid and grew up in a small town where I was a big fish in a small pond. I played shy but I loved the attention I got. My current bf met me after all that, in the city. He thinks I’m awesome but not perfect and he’s kinda blunt about it (not rude just kinda real with me). I used to hate that but I REALLY appreciate it now bc I’m seeing that someone can see my flaws AND still love me. I used to think I needed to be perfect cause I was taught that I was lol.

Actually had a hella weird dream about my ex last night that reminded me how he treated me like a queen. It was weird and I woke up in a funk. Next to current bf. Who treats me more like a princess/ equal human. He was lightly teasing and poking my armpit (hate that and hate mornings lol). But I wouldn’t trade bf for anything. He drives me insane sometimes but he also sticks by my side and I know how much he loves me. He’s helped me grow into a more confident human and also a calmer one as I’ve FINALLY stopped doing the “marry me, I’m breaking up with you” routine.

He doesn’t play into my game of “answer me ASAP, reassure me, etc” and yes I would previously be super angry that he didn’t. But ultimately I’ve learned that it’s all good. He will do those things maybe five minutes later and it’ll be genuine instead of something I asked for. And I don’t wanna pressure him or make him sad anymore. It’s not worth it. If we find out we’re not a fit someday we’ll just move on. We don’t have to fight and cry.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Sarabi i can relate to lots of this! Especially the bouts of “why aren’t people in awe of my magnificence”. Haha. I was SPOILED as a kid and grew up in a small town where I was a big fish in a small pond. I played shy but I loved the attention I got. My current bf met me after all that, in the city. He thinks I’m awesome but not perfect and he’s kinda blunt about it (not rude just kinda real with me). I used to hate that but I REALLY appreciate it now bc I’m seeing that someone can see my flaws AND still love me. I used to think I needed to be perfect cause I was taught that I was lol.

Actually had a hella weird dream about my ex last night that reminded me how he treated me like a queen. It was weird and I woke up in a funk. Next to current bf. Who treats me more like a princess/ equal human. He was lightly teasing and poking my armpit (hate that and hate mornings lol). But I wouldn’t trade bf for anything. He drives me insane sometimes but he also sticks by my side and I know how much he loves me. He’s helped me grow into a more confident human and also a calmer one as I’ve FINALLY stopped doing the “marry me, I’m breaking up with you” routine.

He doesn’t play into my game of “answer me ASAP, reassure me, etc” and yes I would previously be super angry that he didn’t. But ultimately I’ve learned that it’s all good. He will do those things maybe five minutes later and it’ll be genuine instead of something I asked for. And I don’t wanna pressure him or make him sad anymore. It’s not worth it. If we find out we’re not a fit someday we’ll just move on. We don’t have to fight and cry.
Wow! You’ve made tremendous progress. Well done, be very proud of yourself as it’s not easy to change.
👋👋👋👋👋
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Hi Lunus. Thank you for your reply. Do you have any advice to help me move towards the middle of the scale?
Buying the book I mentioned above would help you learn the tools you need but if you’re not into self help or therapy, the best advice I can give you is to SLOW YOURSELF DOWN. Meditation, Yoga, Exercise are all excellent in slowing the mind and your thoughts down. If you can get to this first step it will give you the time to think before you act, or if it’s an urge, the time to rationalise it through a choice point..if I follow this urge this will happen, whereas if I don’t follow the urge then this will happen.
Unfortunately, regardless of advice, the only person who can really get you out of the emotional highs and lows you feel is you. The key is Mindfulness. Read up on it if you can, you’ll be amazed how you change if you are mindful. 🤗
 
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Sarabi_Gyarados

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Thank you for taking the time to encourage me.

Sometimes the bpd feels like a wild beast. Sometimes I see it as so primitive and other times I think it's truth. And truth can be ugly.

One of my biggest realisations is that the kind of love I WANT is not real or healthy.real love is a tad more....mundane? Disappointing? And I'm trying to manage my expectations around that.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I'll give it a read.

I'm still battling some feelings of agitation. and have been on and off all day but I haven't acted on them fortunately, just kept them inside.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Thank you for taking the time to encourage me.

Sometimes the bpd feels like a wild beast. Sometimes I see it as so primitive and other times I think it's truth. And truth can be ugly.

One of my biggest realisations is that the kind of love I WANT is not real or healthy.real love is a tad more....mundane? Disappointing? And I'm trying to manage my expectations around that.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I'll give it a read.

I'm still battling some feelings of agitation. and have been on and off all day but I haven't acted on them fortunately, just kept them inside.
First of all be proud of yourself for not acting when you are in an agitated state. 👋 Acknowledge your feelings and do nothing. If you do this you’ll feel them build like a wave. If you breathe deeply you will find, like a wave, they subside and you’ll feel calmer.
Real love? Everything you are thinking, I have thought. It’s far from disappointing and mundane. I’ll tell you something, it’s a trillion times better than living at both ends of the emotional spectrum, all that does is kill a relationship and then the individual. Real love starts with YOURSELF. Believe you are doing ok. You are worthy. Love yourself. Like yourself, and most importantly believe that you really matter. If you can achieve this the person you are with will adore you.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Thank you for taking the time to encourage me.

Sometimes the bpd feels like a wild beast. Sometimes I see it as so primitive and other times I think it's truth. And truth can be ugly.

One of my biggest realisations is that the kind of love I WANT is not real or healthy.real love is a tad more....mundane? Disappointing? And I'm trying to manage my expectations around that.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I'll give it a read.

I'm still battling some feelings of agitation. and have been on and off all day but I haven't acted on them fortunately, just kept them inside.
Oh, The Mindful way through depression is by Kabat Zinn, is available in Audio format and comes with a free CD on Meditation and Mindful Yoga 🧘‍♀️
 
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Sarabi_Gyarados

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thank you lunus, i appreciate you sharing that with me. i'll start looking into this.
 
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