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I am confused

R

roliann

New member
Joined
Dec 18, 2018
Messages
4
Hello everyone,
I want to share my story and to get maybe someone else's point of view because I can't really talk with anyone around me except my therapist.
I had some strange behaviours even when I was a child, not too extreme, but still - I was and still am very anxious person with a lot of fears, my emotions are very intense. My family is religious and when I was younger I felt constant guilt about everything I did, I was sure /deep inside I still am/ I will go to hell and I will be punished. I had rituals of praying, I reapeted prayers for exact number of times, compulsively, I couldn't sleep if I didn't check every spot where someone might be hiding, I slept with a knife under my pillow and also with a cable and a notebook and other stuff. Sometimes I would just see some item and would have a feeling that I will need it because something dangerous will happen. I believed that if I don't pay attention to that feeling something bad will happen just to prove me I was wrong to not take it seriously.
These things went on and off, never completely off, untill I went to study for my bachelor. I was okay for the first 2 years and then I snapped. I fell into deep depression, I was hopeless, I left my job and ditched my studies, my self harming became dangerous, I needed stitches sometimes /I self harmed since I was 12, but nothing too serious/. I was suicidal. I had no energy and from one point on I lost my empathy and became aggressive towards people closest to me. I was on different antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, nothing really worked. I drank alcohol with the meds, a changed doctors, they changed the meds, and it was a mess. For 2-1,5 years. Then I started to get better. I wasn't hopeless anymore, I was able to concentrate again, I found a good job and I wasn't on meds. I finally found a therapist that I liked to maintain the stability.
Low key obsession and fears - they are with me all the time. But lately, everything makes me anxious. I am convinced that people are angry with me. Everyone around me has something against me, no matter what I do. No matter what they do. And I start hating them because of it. I am scared sometimes that someone is watching me through my phone camera. I am scared when I am alone that there is someone behind the door, I am again checking everything to calm myself.
My thoughts are racing and chaotic.
My therapist says it's a personality disorder, but not specified. She recommended meds again.
I have one thing that bothers me the most. I have a rational side that realizes how illogical my thoughts and fears are. I analyze my behaviour. I still can't fight it. I feel like I am making it up sometimes, I think no one believes me. I don't know if I need help, I can't pull it together.
Sorry for taking so much of your time.
 
Lance__

Lance__

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
224
Location
Spain
I only wanted to send you a hug :hug: seems you have been through a lot

Not sure if it can help, but I used to think many years ago that the food was poisoned or that someone was spying me while I was in the shower. I too had my rational mind that told me these thoughts could not be real, so I can relate to what you described. Lowering anxiety helped me to decrease these thoughts, because stress and anxiety was what fueled those thoughts. Maybe relaxing yourself with breathing techniques and meditation can help, or taking a walk in the nature. I hope you can feel better soon.
 
R

roliann

New member
Joined
Dec 18, 2018
Messages
4
Thank you. Yes, stress really makes it worst.
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 7, 2020
Messages
471
Location
Here
I also analyze my thoughts and behaviors but still it is very hard to fight those thoughts...but keep looking inside...keep noticing those thoughts when they come up and try to keep up with the chaotic racing thoughts (mine are like this as well so I know it's easier said than done..) , or try to keep up with the overall tone/ideas of them..do not let them take over and become static and stagnant energy..I worry sometimes that no one believes me or I am making it all up too, but you would know if you were, that requires intention
 
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