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I am a survivor of Anorexia Nervosa, and forever will struggle. This is my story...

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Shiniryuk

New member
Joined
Sep 21, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Frostburg, MD
I am a survivor of Anorexia Nervosa, and forever will struggle. This is my story...

As I sit at work, spending these long slow days at my desk, I am constantly on a path of worry, when it comes to my weight. Years ago, I suffered from Anorexia Nervosa, the eating disorder. I was in such an unhealthy relationship, and constantly was thinking about how bad my self esteem was. The beginning of the year 2014, I started suffering the second time from starving myself. I constantly was throwing up everything that I consumed. That was not my fault. I had found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. At this point I did not think I could even have a baby, so I prevented myself from even thinking that I was growing a child in my belly. Morning sickness turned into an all day thing.

I remember when I was working a shift at the front desk of a hotel, and I ordered food, which I forced myself to try and eat. I had to run to the bathroom immediately after consuming a few bites, and it ended up in the toilet. I walked back to my desk and tried drinking water to atleast stay hydrated. After drinking water I immediately ran to the bathroom once again. I knew there was something wrong with me. My mind took me from getting sick, to having a stomach ulcer. This went on for several weeks. I overlooked the possibility of being pregnant. I did not want to be pregnant.
I could not keep anything down that I ate, or drank.. I was scared. My child's father told me that I should take a test just in case. I knew deep down it probably is true, but I was fearful of the idea. I took the test. I kept it face down. The fear was rising, and then I flipped it over. Sure enough... a positive test. I was so scared, I could not stop crying. My child's father was so excited. Not me. Not a chance. I then realized I had to make a change. I had to force myself to hold food down. By this point, a bite of food still made me want to throw up. I sat many times at the table crying because I did not want to harm my child who was depending on me to feed her. It took WEEKS for me to be able to eat normally again.

I never thought I would ever fall back into that mindset. That depression. About a year later after having my child, I started feeling horrible about myself. Again. I still did not accept the fact that I have an eating disorder. Falling back into it, is so simple. I would go one week eating all of my usual portions, but always leaving the last bite untouched. The next week, I would only eat half of my portions. Following that, I would only be able to eat one bite before my stomach started getting upset. Then I did not have to eat anything, and my weight would start dropping drastically. Months went by. I started a new job and would be on my feet running around all day. Everyone would order food and I would politely decline. I never realized how bad I looked. My legs were so thin, my arms as well. What I seen was still, fat.. I never felt good about myself. I had a very thin face, and my collar bones were popped out too. Even though I was a size 3, I still was so unhappy with my body. I only weighed 105 lbs. Everyone always told me how skinny I looked. I would always get told how, I need to eat more. No one noticed, or tried to help me, it seemed.

One day I had to go to my local urgent care, which I honestly do not remember for what exactly. I got in my car, and started driving down the road. My stomach started hurting in a way that I have never felt before. I picked up my phone and called my mother. As soon as I heard her voice, I broke. I told her that I needed help, that I am positive my stomach feels like it is trying to eat itself. Though that was several years ago, my memories are very cloudy past that point. I do not remember that much about the recovery process of starting to be healthy again.

That was the third time that I relapsed into my eating disorder. Today, I weigh 185 lbs, which according to the BMI chart, is obese. As soon as I seen that, my mind went to starving myself again. It hurts to read online, whether true or not, that I am at my heaviest. Since I have suffered so much, my metabolism and body have slowed down the breaking down process of food and calories. It has never been harder to lose weight. I want to eat healthy and exercise, but I am exhausted and my depression is getting worse again. I have no motivation to walk on the treadmill that my now amazing boyfriend has bought for me. My only desire is to stop eating. I have tried to portion control, and eat healthier. It has never been harder for me to lose weight.

People who struggle with eating disorders, no matter what, they will always be suffering in a sense. Even if they are healthy. Even if they have overcome THAT current battle with their bodies. they will always be hurting, and feeling bad about their bodies. If you know someone suffering, whether they are trying to overcome the battle, try to understand, it is not their fault. Eating disorders do not just happen to people with unhealthy and abusive pasts. They can happen to everyone. Be supportive, knowledgeable, and understanding of our mindsets and the complications that come with eating disorders, mentally, physically, and emotionally. We are NOT okay. We are NOT happy about purging or barely eating. We are in pain. We need help, even if we refuse it on the outside.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,083
Location
England
Hello Shiniruk. Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. I have binge eating disorder which is different but like you, I will never truly recover. I am happy you have a supportive boyfriend. As you are now struggling with your image again I think it would be best for you to seek support. Please do not try to manage alone as you are in danger of falling back into past behaviours.
 
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Shiniryuk

New member
Joined
Sep 21, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Frostburg, MD
Thank you so much for your response. I do have a very supportive boyfriend. I feel like I have expressed to everyone I know how I am feeling, but I feel like no one wants to help me. I keep saying that no one is noticing my cry for help. It hurts a lot. But, I understand what you are saying. I appreciate you.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,083
Location
England
I am so sorry people are unable to understand how you are feeling. It is very hurtful to reach out and not get any support.
 
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brightyellow

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 8, 2017
Messages
54
I'm sorry you have to go through all that. Stay strong and try to get the best of life as much as you can.
 
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whitneytnorth

Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2017
Messages
11
I can't eat. whatever I eat I feel like throwing up.
 
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