I am a moron

E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
I damned well blew 280 pounds gambling today. It was payday and I had 3070 pounds in the bank and was all excited and took 200 in thinking I could just wager a hundy and probably treble it or stop if I lost it.

Sweet effing Mary.

Now I have 2800 and will need another 250 of it to live on so only 2550 instead of the 2800 I would have. By my savings plan I am like a grand lower than what it's supposed to be coz I've done this every payday for the last few months.

I really need to stop this or I'll never be able to do the MA I want to do next September. I am 38 years old, have a degree and only have ab embarrassing 2800 pounds to my bloody name. I've gambled 50k in the past ten years, I should have that in the bank now and knowing this sucks so much.

I think I need a tattoo "gambling is not a way to accrue money or financial security."

Maybe not, wouldn't make a cool 'Ink.'

I just need to get the message through to my stupid head....

I feel like hurting myself but am too much of a wimp to do even that so will wallow in self pity for the rest of the day and convince myself I'll stop now.

The thought has crept in to my mind that I need to make a mark on my arm that will remind me next time I think about doing it - not to do it.

I wont do this either.

I wish I could just stop it. Just grow out of it.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
There isn't one anywhere near where I live. Plus I work irregular shifts.

I really do want to stop and I do for a month and then end up in a bookies and then walk out thinking 'How the hell did I let that happen?'

I guess I always forget after a while how serious it is and fall right back in again...

I also work in one, the irony...
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 13, 2014
Messages
1,261
Location
Edinburgh
Sounds like a tricky situation! I have an aquaintance who seems to have a bad gambling problem too, but I'm not sure how to help him. I'm a pretty bad compulsive spender myself. I think I blew another £100 today for some reason.

Hope you eventually find a way to kick the habit!
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,426
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
I would say you might want to look for another job if at all possible, I mean it would be like me working in a bakery (I'm a compulsive overeater). That would be a start. Also if you can't get to GA meetings there is Smart Recovery SMART Recovery - SMART Recovery UK

or there are online GA meetings I think, or you could go to another fellowship, it's not idea but the principles are the same.

I think the meetings are useful because they don't allow you to forget, that is important to remain in recovery. I just don't think you can do this by willpower alone, I am familiar with the pattern, though my addiction is not gambling. I too have gone for a while not doing things, thinking I am ok, then boom - it happens again and I am left thinking wtf.
 
E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
Yeah thanks for those TC. I have checked out the SMART wesbite and will use some of their online materials and maybe go to one of the meetings. I would have to book a fixed day off of work, but I think that may be possible.

I want to be a recovering gambling addict.
 
E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
I did another 650 yesterday.

It's like being in a mania, all critical thinking stops and all you can think about is getting that win.

That's two months savings towards my MA next year which is already dependent upon a scholarship / bursery or CDL loan through the bank. Otherwise might have to do it part time.

I wanted to buy an 460 pound DSLR camera this month to prep for my course if I get to do it as it has full HD video. I could have bough bloody two of them.

I really have to quit. I've been back in UK working my arse off doing 50 odd hour weeks, crazy shifts since January and I have less money in the bank than when I started the bloody job.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 
J

Jim Dorsetty

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 5, 2014
Messages
45
Location
UK
You obviously realise you have an addictive personality type.

From what I have read about it gambling addiction, it appears the real excitement comes from 'almost winning', gambling addicts get a bigger thrill from their horse coming second by a nose, than winning.

Now I am sure this suggestion will not be popular but if you want to stop gambling fast, find something else to be addicted to.

You obviously need an adrenalin boost so go ride motorbikes, go on track days with fast cars, parachute, scuba diving... just do something else. Then you'll realise what you do is a choice. Myself I have an addictive personality but have learnt to control the feelings by substituting other activities

IMO like everyone else you're not addicted to whatever you appear addicted to as such, in your case gambling, you're addicted to a feeling - so replicate that elsewhere by one or several methods.
 
K

Katss

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Apr 2, 2013
Messages
2,979
Did I hear you say that you work in a bookies? did I hear that?

Anyways, you need to stop beating up on yourself that won't do any good at all, in fact it will probably make you go right out and gamble away the day and night, plus rest of your MA savings plan.

You have talked about this a lot, and good you have, and yet that is what you do, describe your gambling, talk about what happens in gambling, and then describe the aftermath of the said gambling?

When will you talk about you actually getting another thing in place, i.e. not the gambling? there is not ever talk of that.

take care

katss
 
BillFish

BillFish

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 12, 2009
Messages
2,389
I damned well blew 280 pounds gambling today. It was payday and I had 3070 pounds in the bank and was all excited and took 200 in thinking I could just wager a hundy and probably treble it or stop if I lost it.

Sweet effing Mary.

Now I have 2800 and will need another 250 of it to live on so only 2550 instead of the 2800 I would have. By my savings plan I am like a grand lower than what it's supposed to be coz I've done this every payday for the last few months.

I really need to stop this or I'll never be able to do the MA I want to do next September. I am 38 years old, have a degree and only have ab embarrassing 2800 pounds to my bloody name. I've gambled 50k in the past ten years, I should have that in the bank now and knowing this sucks so much.

I think I need a tattoo "gambling is not a way to accrue money or financial security."

Maybe not, wouldn't make a cool 'Ink.'

I just need to get the message through to my stupid head....

I feel like hurting myself but am too much of a wimp to do even that so will wallow in self pity for the rest of the day and convince myself I'll stop now.

The thought has crept in to my mind that I need to make a mark on my arm that will remind me next time I think about doing it - not to do it.

I wont do this either.

I wish I could just stop it. Just grow out of it.
Gamblers remorse, gotta love it, that intense high and anticipation followed by your brain jumping off a cliff when the bookies take your money. Still paying off £500 I gambled on forex trading when I chased the losses, a mini rogue trader :innocent:
 
E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
It doesn't help my Dad is a gambler, half the time if I want to spend time with him, guess where that is - the bookies. And working in one yeah, not helping, thought I'm finding it hard to find other jobs, nobody wants a 38 year old drama grad who hasn't worked in the country for ten years.

I realized today money is security and safety. That would sound obvious to most people. Me I tend to only learn the hard way.

I'll try doing other things, I'm not into sports and cannot afford to go scuba diving etc. I do have some writing I want to do and can immerse myself in that and drink a little for a buzz and maybe get that camera after Xmas and do some photo projects.

Right now I just want some vodka and cokes but the shop is closed. (That's my alternative. And guess what I can end up doing when I'm drunk...)

Fcuk me.

Anyway that's my new thing, I'll remind myself every day that money is safety and security and might go to a local GA meeting. My Dad tried to talk me out of it, says it's all my own chpice, don;t need others to help me. I don;t feel like that though, I like others helping. Also he's the classic denial type personality and only talks about his wins, never the losses which over time are obviously more than the wins so denies gambling is a waste of money even though a few years back he blew 20K on a credit card gambling and chose not to pay it back.

But that's his problems not mine. I just need to look at people I admire who don't gamble and seeing how having financial security and money in the bank makes for a better and happier life.

My doc says I don't do it for the money I do it for the buzz. She's bang on right. I have to make myself realize the buzz is not worth putting myself at risk of poverty and homelessness one day. Damn.
 
Electric

Electric

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 24, 2014
Messages
113
I have worked in the online gambling business and had many addicted gamblers on the phone or on mail. I had to guide them through their cravings and it was hard.

I would find another job en step outside of that world asap. Someone suggested here for you find something else to get your rush, I think that is a good idea as long as it doesn't effect you in a negative way.

Good luck,
Electric
 
E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
I couldn;t even get a job at Lidl's.

1. I have worked in ESL for the past ten years so that looks bad on my resume, all my UK skills are deemd out of date and they think I'll want to jet off overseas sooner or later.

2. Having worked in bookies leaves you kind of tarnished in the eyes of other employers, they see you as some kind of scumbag who does dirty work so to speak like the untouchables in India and nobody wants to take you on.'

Did I mention I am 38 and have had no discernable career path other than teaching ESL abroad. I;m seen as both over the hill and someone who doesn't really know what he wants. i apply for a slaes job or admin role and they're like 'um yeah we don't see how what you;ve done tells us you really want this.'

It's true too. All I wan to do is write and make films and do a film making MA. So I'll stay at the bookies or some other menial job until i can do that. I could go back to lucrative ESL work in Korea if I wasn't on meds, but they would make me fail my visa medical exam.
 
E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
Well I just uninstalled all the gambling sites from my computer. I might self exclude from all the bookies in my area. But ultimately there is always another site, another way out there.

I just have to commit to not doing it, admitting that I really truly, hate it and want to stop it.

I'll see how it goes and if I do it again I might go to meetings.

For now though I'll just try to stop, although the old familiar voice says you can have your cake and eat it, just set aside 50 quid each month you can afford and do it just for fun. But I am not that kind of person, it will always make me go further and send me into manias and depressions.

I just have to come to a realization that it is not a healthy thing to do full stop and experiment with being a new me, a wiser me with a new outlook and new ways of being etc. Change, essentially.

And try and get another job even though I'm scared to leave the security and routine of the one I have. I guess I can try.
 
E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
Ah the bloody irony. I went to the bookies today and was going to put 200 on a 4-1 shot which would have won me back 800 of the 900 I blew last week.

I wimped out as I decided I don't want to gamble anymore. It won.

Ah well, it's the not doing it that counts.

I will for the next two months feel like utter crap in a semi suicidal daze, slowly improving week by week until I have saved back that 900 when I get December's pay and have the same amount as I should have in my bank had I not blown 900 last week. Thus is always what happens.

I have a strong hankering for vodka and cocaine. I have instead settled for cigarettes, ridiculously strong coffee and luxury chocolates instead, all in one go several times today. This is always what happens.

I wish I could go to the doctor's and get a dose of recreational stimulants just for one day, or a vicodin to take with a few vodka and cokes just to take the edge off. This is always what happens, feeling like this after a large loss.

I shouldn't make light of drugs. I've never been addicted so I don't see it as serious as I can take it or leave it.

I am now obviously in the narccicistic stage of depression of wanting to spew out all my psychic crap on the internet. This is always what happens following a large loss.

Two thoughts at the moment keep me going and will do until I have December's pay

A. At least I'm not in prison (I was when I was 17 so I know what it's like)

B. At least I'm not homeless (if I was I don't think I'd last five minutes.)

This is always what I resort back to after a large loss to keep me going until the bank is built up again.

I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth again and as always, it was me that put me here.... FFS
 
E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
Now I pretended I had a migraine and asked my Dad for one of his pain killers with codeine in it. Now I feel better and more optimistic and the depression has lifted and I know in a few months I will have some more money and can buy my camera and some other things. I just have to not get all nuts and excited again when the bank balance goes over 3k (don't know why, but that's the figure) and just NOT BLOODY GAMBLE.

My problem is I don't even think it's gambling, I always ACTUALLY EXPECT to make money. You'd think after 20 years of the opposite happening, I'd have learned by now.. right??

I'm seriously thinking of getting a tattoo or a new jacket, I dunno, something to mark giving it up.

Do people do that? Could it work? We'll see. I hope I will stop. I want to stop. I know I do it for the buzz because I never do it when I'm low on money only when I am a bit comfortable (for me, for most 38 year olds, living with your parents and having less than 3k in the bank is seen as quite sad, I imagine.). I have to find a cheaper and safer buzz.

I have to remember and somehow really acknowledge and get it through my thick head also that IT IS A GAMBLE AND YOU CANNOT EXPECT TO WIN.

That's the hardest part, I know it's true as I type this, but I suddenly don't know it when the bloody mania feeling kicks in and then I end in the same stupid cycle....

Do you think gambling is stupid?

I think I need some non gambler's perspectives on gambling.

How do you think about it? Tell me how you see it etc.
 
E

Easy Rider

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2010
Messages
800
Location
Earth
Man it is. If I wasn't a mug (I admit it, I know it) I would have so much more damned money. I see people my age with cars and money that makes them not one step form homelessness as I have almost made myself a few times in my life and I do envy them that. I don't care about flashy stuff. But yeah I should keep myself more financially secure, or I'm asking for trouble.

More non gamblers, chime in. So many of my friends or family gamble, it is normal to me. Tell me how it seems / looks to you please.
 
Top