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I already hate myself enough.....

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ClaireMonday

New member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
1
Location
America
I have always struggled with negative self-talk and self-loathing. It stems back from some trauma I endured as a child. I often do not feel good enough. Like I don’t fit in. This can be a lonely feeling. I compare myself to others constantly and don’t know how to embrace who I am. It can be debilitating. It makes me feel worthless. I have two kids and a husband, and so many things to be grateful for, but yet I am often depressed.

The other day my coworker told me I am useless to the team, that she doesn’t know what I “do”. This hurt and since she said that I’ve been in despair.
Up until that moment, while sometimes I felt like my teammates were more outspoken than me, and spoke up at meetings, I still felt like I was doing really well. The more I think about it though, the more I realize she may be right. Sometimes I feel like my contribution is more than it is due to the fact that my depression makes small tasks feel like big steps to me. Sometimes I’m lucky if I show up. But I’ve been delusional all this time, because I had been thinking that I was finally in a good place in my career. I felt as though things finally began to click. Now I’m back to square one and feeling worthless. I recognize all the things my coworkers are doing without me. I recognize now that I am not pulling my weight. Her words play over and over in my head and I just feel like quitting and never talking to any of my Coworkers again. It’s made me more insecure at work, and even quieter. I have this big presentation I have to give with my team today in front of the staff and I’m terrified and want to run away so I don’t have to do it. I feel like my coworkers will be the leaders anyway, and I’ll prob say nothing. My Job was something I was proud of and passionate about. I was actually pursuing a master’s degrees in the field so I could step up in my career and learn more, but even that seems like a waste of time now. I’ve already switched My classes this semester to a different school of study because I want to give up my dream. I feel like all along I was in denial about the fact that this isn’t a good fit for me. I feel lost and horrible. Like I bring nothing to the table.

I don’t know how to shake it. I cry everyday. My husband is worried. I recently lost my therapist and am shopping around for a new one, but I feel like everything feels unstable and like it’s all falling.a part. How can I let one person’s critique make me feel this way? How can I give her that much power over me? I do feel like she’s just helped me to realize something about myself that I can’t shake.
 
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Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
Hi

I'm sorry to hear how things are for you right now.

It sounds like your co-worker was having a bad day. If that person is like most people, they will probably be mortified to think you have taken that comment to heart.

You have said that prior to that comment you felt you were making a valuable contribution. Why does this co-workers comment or perhaps opinion outweigh your own opinion?
 
toutatis

toutatis

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 24, 2018
Messages
212
Location
new zealand
Hi @ClaireMonday,

Aw, I'm real sorry your co-worker said such an awful thing. Obviously your boss believes you have an important role to play, and I'd just like to say your co-worker was wrong for saying what she said. I have a feeling you do put a lot into your work, but now that you're feeling low it's, yes, causing you to doubt yourself. Your co-worker hasn't helped you to realize anything, so please don't think that.

Rekindle that love for your job again, please, your career, and realize that, what your co-worker said was not correct. It's a team and you're part of the team.
 
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