I Admit...I need to change!

A

Austin303

New member
Joined
May 26, 2016
Messages
2
#1
Hi Everyone,

I had a rough childhood which I feel shaped me for the worse as an adult. In our house our dad was often a bully (Old World East Coast Italian style) and my mom was spineless. He was furthermore detached from the family and was a pessimist. On top of this, I was "the fat kid" at school and had to fight self-confidence issues until I graduated college. I've had a bit of a stutter throughout my life, which I think may have been formed as a young child; Back then and now I was always talkative, so my selfish dad would always tell us to shut up or the like if we were talking when he was absorbed with his TV. Also, my parents disciplined by spanking and not by actual conversation, so that had a detrimental effect on me growing up. Also, my parents are pretty bad at holding conversations in-depth, so perhaps that rubbed off on me growing up and to the present. I think my social anxiety inhibits my ability to have in-depth conversations, however, once I get to know people I can chat easier.

The main problems I now have are 1) I am 31 years old and am still working crap clerical jobs (but I'm going to grad school in the Fall), 2) I still have self-confidence issues and get nervous for no reason (perhaps a result of being yelled at and spanked as kids when we did something wrong), 3) I still feel empty at times since growing up my parents never sat us down and built us up and told us how good we were. They were both neurotic and I think they felt the world was a scary place and my brother and I needed to stick with what was safe (loser'ish) to succeed. 4) Up to this point, I haven't had any burning desires in life, I've just been coasting through. I think a lot of this stems from not having enough self-confidence. 5) I get angry or nervous easily and also get flustered if small things happen. 6) I don't have enough money to properly see a shrink, and I don't have good enough health insurance to cover anything related to it. 7) I haven't felt the desire to earn the big bucks and am indifferent and slightly intimidated by the thought of managing savings or a potential big salary (probably don't hear that one often, huh? lol). Alas, one of my biggest problems is that I'm scared of conflict and arguments, and feel I agree with people too much to avoid even good-natured arguments. For example, if I disagree with someone then they counter-argue with me, I get a bit choked up and try to end it, unless it's something serious. The shrink in me thinks this stems from my time as a kid when my dad would bully us and we realized it was easier to agree with whatever was said to shut him up and stop the bullying. Also, I think part of my emotional detachment/emptiness issues stem from my immature dad, whereas if we stood up to him, he'd often pout and give us the cold shoulder and not talk to us until we apologized. He'd also try to manipulate to get us to feel guilty and such (Geez, such a fun childhood!)

So, there's my life story and my perceived problems in my life. I'm not happy with the way my life is going and I want to change. I decided to come on this forum since I admitted to myself I had nothing to lose, and I had to admit that I have problems. I want to conquer my problems and become a new person and was hoping for advice. I admit I feel a bit strange spilling my heart to people I've never met, but I've hit a low of sorts and figured I have nothing to lose.

I've had a lot of good happen in my life too, so not all is bad. I'm usually good with people and after I overcame my awkwardness with women at age 24, I thereafter had an active dating life. Now I am engaged as well.

Again, people on here don't need to respond to everything I mentioned, just if you can relate or direct me towards ways of healing myself for good, I'd love it. Also, my life hasn't been "bad", I've had good happen, but overall I'm not living to my potential and need to change.

Thanks again! :)
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,056
Location
England
#2
Hi,
Welcome to the forum, well done for accepting that you need to change. Sorry you can't afford a dr right now. You will recover from the past. Congratulations on getting engaged, well done for attending college.
Have you thought of attending therapy??
Take care
 
L

LeeAnthony

Member
Joined
May 26, 2016
Messages
17
#3
Hello! Have you tried exercising regularly? How about physical exercise?
 
A

Austin303

New member
Joined
May 26, 2016
Messages
2
#4
Hi, thanks for the replies! I can look into attending therapy and also I can up my exercise regimen. As is I bike 6 miles, usually 6x a week, but I can build up my tolerance and do more in the future!
 

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