I’ve been remembering my past with my Best Friend. Do I subconsciously have mental illnesses from that time?

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Writeyanru

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
13
Location
United Kingdom
#1
Okay, so before the story begins you have to know me a little; I hate conflict and I’ve been told I “let people walk all over me” - I also don’t trust myself. My memory is unreliable and often I have memories of things that have happened but didn’t actually happen (this is usually my brain taking two separate memories and combining them) and I know I sometimes tend to overreact, too.

My life doesn’t really feel real, more like a movie in which drama happens but it’s fine because life isn’t real. I know. WEIRD. So, I met my (ex) best friend at the age of about 10?? Things were good for awhile, but then the possessive nature started.

I had to be with her 24/7 - leave my house every single day at 6-7am, go home arm 10-11pm. If I refused (like if I was sick) she would call me and beg until I agreed, and a few time I’ve HAD to say no. (She would just show up at my door) went on like this up until the end of our friendship many years later. (She even forced me out when I had injuries from a health condition)

Problems started at like 11-12? (Which whenever someone says “tell me when your problems started mentally” I usually always think to those ages)-(but thought of it as a coincidence) anyway, one day she says she wants to fight (as a game) and I agree hesitantly. (She’s 9 at this time, so slightly younger than me)

It was like a game of wrestling basically on a trampoline where we wouldn’t get really hurt. Suffice to say, I lost big time. But this fighting game went on every single day for a long time, until I had enough and said “I don’t want to fight today,” I remember the talking, her convincing me to do it because “I had to learn how to defend myself”

I kept refusing, she kept hitting. And obviously you learn to try to defend yourself when someone is kinda hurting you. Anyway, weeks and weeks of this go by and my mother freaks the hell out when she discovers a massive amount of dark bruises all over my legs and arms, I just say we were play fighting and I vividly remember cracking a joke and saying “you should see the other guy” aka, her, with her tiny bruise on her leg or something.

She loved to bring that up every time I got angry at her for really hurting me, especially after I’ve sorta begged her not to. She would just point at her own bruises and say “you got involved and really hurt me too,” So fair point. Weeks go by and my mother gets those instincts and asks for a random bruise check on my arms and legs.

More bruises. She freaks again and bans me from seeing her, me being a stupid kid defies her, sneaks out, does everything I can to still see her. Eventually my mother pulls my friend aside and warns her never to lay a finger on me again and let’s us hang back out. My friend is now sorta scared about hitting me, so she fights me less in a week.

Then I see her temper getting worse, she’d snap and yell at me and “jokingly” grasp my neck and shake me, laughing whilst she did so. Didn’t really bother me at all, except one time she choked me for real. I only have the one memory of the choking (I don’t recall if she ever did it again. Maybe. I think she probably did) but I felt genuine fear and “oh god she’s going to kill me” and I almost blacked out.

So I stop being her friend but I’m alone with no other friends so my dumb arse believes her “I’ll never do it again,” which at this point every time she had hurt me I’d get pissed and she would say that line. For a little while it scared her and she stopped, then it started up again. (By the way must mention after a few fights we both find out by a doctor I have a pretty serious chronic health condition. I’m banned from doing anything rough like PE, Football, rugby. My body is extremely vulnerable and she knows this And continues beating the shit out Of me lmao)

Then one day I vividly remember this. She gets alcohol from the fridge (we’re still extremely young at a 14-ish age? Her being 12) here’s the whole “let’s play a game again” thing and I’m starting to come to terms that this was kinda wrong. Maybe. I think. Anyway she tells me I have to make out with her for no shorter than 30 seconds.

Me, at the time, had never felt romantically for anyone and was starting to ask the question if I had the ability to fall in love at all, I thought myself as asexual or something, since I didn’t find pleasure in that sort of thing. So, I say hell to the fuck no. She keeps going on about it, I say no. She keeps pushing, I say no. And I vividly remember the line “The quicker you get it over and done with the quicker it’s over,”

I know she won’t drop it so I do it. I hated it so fucking much. It was like the worst feeling in the world, and I even went home because it was a sleepover. (But at this point we had met a third friend who I flirted with a lot, and was kinda inappropriate towards - though I’d never done what my friend done at all,)-(still kinda hate myself for it but can’t change the past)

So the next couple days I realise that I’ve truly began to fear my best friend, like I’m terrified, I’m asking my family how to stop being around her. But I don’t explain why at all. Then she forcibly kisses me And this is one of the only times I’ve ever really stood up for myself, because I warn her I will never ever talk to Her again if she dares do that again. She says “I’m going To do something that’ll make you hate me,” she does it again, I yell at her again. She does it again and I get really mad and as she attempts again I leave.

Then she goes onto my social media (she’s friends with the popular girls in my school) and texts them super gross dirty messages as well as a few random people. (Also should point out every time I did try to date someone like a boy she would deliberately make a move on them) so I get some serious bullying for those messages. Homophobic shit, you know.

I get so furious at her for doing that and getting me bullied (and causing me to have a mental breakdown) I finally do it and cut off contact. But I was like messed up in the head during that time. When I say break down I mean Breakdown. Seeing things, hearing things, self hatred, self harm, serious social anxiety, depression, I found out about gay camps and decided to copy and emulate what they do in those places - so I could create my own camp in my house, that fucked me up really badly. I get suicidal thoughts and I come close a few times, I have like a dude living in my head who was super kind and then all of a sudden became some evil dude trying to convince me to die. I was seeing full on hallucinations all day. Serious nightmares.

Like I mean BREAKDOWNS. I move school not long after And PHEW my life got so much better. Still saw things, heard things, had that guy living in my head and sometimes controlling my actions. I become selectively mute at school (I talk at home to make sure i appear normal to my family) people hate me at the school but thankfully behind my back this time, because I don’t speak.

Teachers are thinking me a bitch or rude for just staring at them when they ask questions, but I just really didn’t want to ever talk. I was 16 then.

Going back to 14 that’s when my derealisation And dissociation really got severe. (I’m 20 and still have both)

Now at 20 I find for years I’ve been violently flinching when someone raises a hand. And I can’t bare having my neck even slightly touched and I always wondered why I acted that way. It occurred to me last year that perhaps it’s due to the strangling or the hitting?? Maybe??

As 20 I still have depression, dissociation, derealisation, social anxiety
But I no longer see or hear things!! And I had a self harm relapse a few weeks back but I’ve been clean of that for years so. Yay.

I’ve only just starting questioning if this was sorta abusive behaviour?? At 19 I started thinking it. Because a year or two after it happened it didn’t bother me, I didn’t think about it at all, it just didn’t phase or bother Me. But then suddenly it’s bothering me years later?? What even??!

A big thing is we added each other back (haven’t spoken at all) but she’s just had a baby. It got me thinking about the past is all, I don’t know her anymore so idk if she’s changed but she seems like a genuine loving mother now. But seeing her move on with her life’s, knowing she doesn’t think or question it gets me thinking.

Big questions like; was it actually abuse, was it just games and fun to her and did she not realise?, am I being over dramatic.

I ask these questions because I’ve been talking To someone i like and there’s fear, what if I kiss them and it feels like it did with her? When I asked myself that question and I imagined maybe kissing this new crush something happened that’s never happened beforehand.

I’ve thought over that night with my ex best friend a million times, the memory never ever bothered me. But when I thought about kissing my crush the memory came and hit me in the face, like a PTSD moment and gave me real bad anxiety’s. That’s never happened before...weird as hell.

Nobody knows any of this and my main fear is: if my family find out will they see it as abuse and confront her? Ruin her life? Cause a fight? Will she call me a liar and embarrass me and make me question herself. I don’t want my family attacking her, especially when she’s getting on with her life and she’s grown up now.

Uhg anyway I’m on a fucking 8-Month waiting list for therapy (Yup our health care is that bad. Even though they acknowledged I probably really badly need therapy - even though I didn’t even mention my past with my friend) I’m just wondering peoples opinion on it all really 🤔🤔🤔
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
75
Location
Kent
#3
Hi there,

I'm very sorry that you've had this experience, it sounds as though this girl had a lot of her own identity issues growing up and she took it out on you an awful lot. I believe that people can change as they grow older, and she could very well be a good person now and a loving mother to her child. Kids can be very cruel, especially during that age when they're discovering who they are as people. It sounds as though she was really pressuring you at a very impressionable age which would naturally confuse and upset anybody. Some people will also turn to aggression and violence when they're struggling within themselves, which may be why she acted the way she did on several occasions.

I can relate very much to people saying that I "let people walk all over me". This is an issue in myself that I've carried with me for many years. I experienced quite a lot of emotional trauma from a girl I was best friends with when I was 8 years old and her mother (which I've discussed in detail in another thread). Sometimes I think we attract these people into our lives because of our own good nature, which unfortunately, people will try to take advantage of. I also had a friend who was very possessive and often tried to control and manipulate situations to meet her own needs as much as possible, but I understand that that is due to a lot of her own mental health issues.

I think it's definitely worth talking to someone about this experience as it does matter. Opening up to a therapist is always good, however like you say there is a waiting list. Do you think your parents would react explosively to the situation? I think speaking to them would definitely help you as I often find it's the first step towards recovery. I think that because it happened so long ago, they would probably not try to ruin her life as she knows it, but I suppose it depends on how seriously they take the issue. Sometimes it can take years and years for someone to come forward about abuse, whether physical, emotional or otherwise. And there's no shame in that. How this girl treated you was wrong and you do not deserve to feel this way.

Anyway, I hope all of this makes sense and that it helps in some way. Stay strong, I'm sure you'll start to feel better in time xx
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Dorset
#4
Firstly @Writeyanru its not your fault. None of it is. Your ex best friend was a bully. personally I don't think you should feel any need to protect her now for what she did a few yers ago, those were choices she made. Is there one member of family or a friend you can trust to keep this a secret so that you can get some immediate support?

Secondly I think @elliepaige20 is right
Sometimes I think we attract these people into our lives because of our own good nature, which unfortunately, people will try to take advantage of.
Some people will always chose to walk over those who are good natured and kind hearted. They can't help it it a flaw in their nature.

@Writeyanru - be strong - you are not alone :grouphug:
 

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