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I’m still confused about my sibling

Scapes1986

Scapes1986

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Hi I am losing the thread here I’m afraid. How does this relate to my original post please explain. Thanks
This is how I reacted to someone who has some of these features. True story.
 
M

Mistral

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This is how I reacted to someone who has some of these features. True story.
I have found being positive, as Scapes1986 has eluded to, does help to improve relationships within families. One simple step I took was to work out when the problems occurred. Firstly I realised that they mostly occurred when we were talking one-to-one, either face to face or alone. So I cut down on the amount of time in which we interacted with each other without someone else being present. Secondly, I found that tempers got raised every time I mentioned my job, so I never brought it up in conversation. This was difficult to do as the person involved talked a lot about his job. It seemed so unfair and one-sided, but my effort paid off, as there was a marked change in his behaviour towards me.
 
C

Cornflowerblue

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I have found being positive, as Scapes1986 has eluded to, does help to improve relationships within families. One simple step I took was to work out when the problems occurred. Firstly I realised that they mostly occurred when we were talking one-to-one, either face to face or alone. So I cut down on the amount of time in which we interacted with each other without someone else being present. Secondly, I found that tempers got raised every time I mentioned my job, so I never brought it up in conversation. This was difficult to do as the person involved talked a lot about his job. It seemed so unfair and one-sided, but my effort paid off, as there was a marked change in his behaviour towards me.
Great if you found what was the crux of the conflict but my Sibling has different issues. She can say what she like do what she likes but no one can have the same independence if it conflicts with her ambitions/ intention/ plans. She will give gifts, appear all friendly but behind all The show is a lack of empathy or real interest in me. Its All ok until it’s not when I suggest a different opinion (albeit respectfully) or decline to do something she has asked (ordered) me to do. She will then either explode or coldly dismiss and be rude. I really can’t have a real relationship with her no matter how much I walk on egg shells. When there’s conflict she always says I’m rude and selfish ( I’m really neither) and the world sees her gifts and her show and thinks I’m guilty. By conflict I mean any kind or disagreement or delayed compliance with her demands. It doesn’t occur often but over th3 years the pattern never changes. I have never felt safe emotionally around her. My mother depends on her financially and has always enabled her. We had a dysfunctional childhood in many respects and her ‘fight response‘ corresponds with narcissistic behaviour in my opinion.
 
M

Mistral

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Great if you found what was the crux of the conflict but my Sibling has different issues. She can say what she like do what she likes but no one can have the same independence if it conflicts with her ambitions/ intention/ plans. She will give gifts, appear all friendly but behind all The show is a lack of empathy or real interest in me. Its All ok until it’s not when I suggest a different opinion (albeit respectfully) or decline to do something she has asked (ordered) me to do. She will then either explode or coldly dismiss and be rude. I really can’t have a real relationship with her no matter how much I walk on egg shells. When there’s conflict she always says I’m rude and selfish ( I’m really neither) and the world sees her gifts and her show and thinks I’m guilty. By conflict I mean any kind or disagreement or delayed compliance with her demands. It doesn’t occur often but over th3 years the pattern never changes. I have never felt safe emotionally around her. My mother depends on her financially and has always enabled her. We had a dysfunctional childhood in many respects and her ‘fight response‘ corresponds with narcissistic behaviour in my opinion.
In fact in your description of your sibling's behaviour you have described my sibling almost to a T. It is like walking through treacle just to have a conversation most of the time and, yes as you describe, walking on eggshells for much of the time too. A sibling relationship is different to a relationship with a friend. Friends will come and go, but siblings are for life. You may yearn for a friendship relationship with you sibling instead of, or as well as, a sibling relationship, but you cannot expect it no more than you can expect every stranger to be your friend.
 
C

Cornflowerblue

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I have found being positive, as Scapes1986 has eluded to, does help to improve relationships within families. One simple step I took was to work out when the problems occurred. Firstly I realised that they mostly occurred when we were talking one-to-one, either face to face or alone. So I cut down on the amount of time in which we interacted with each other without someone else being present. Secondly, I found that tempers got raised every time I mentioned my job, so I never brought it up in conversation. This was difficult to do as the person involved talked a lot about his job. It seemed so unfair and one-sided, but my effort paid off, as there was a marked change in his behaviour towards me.
I have little contact with my sister as I live very far away. The contact I have is usually in relation to our old parents or regarding a planned visit . My sister will usially make a request(as in demand because you can5 say no, she will destroy you and then play the victim) . The request will be something I don’t want to do or she wants to cross any boundary I have. If I resist I get full narcissistic rage or intense silent treatment together with being unhelpful when it comes to critical matters relating t9 our parents. I don’t know what to do. She’s a narcissist for sure. In the last 40 years I dont remember a single instance of real connection or empathy or an apology
 
L

Ladyfair

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What is wrong with posting about family here? If nothing else it can help to get your anger etc out.
 
M

Mistral

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I have little contact with my sister as I live very far away. The contact I have is usually in relation to our old parents or regarding a planned visit . My sister will usially make a request(as in demand because you can5 say no, she will destroy you and then play the victim) . The request will be something I don’t want to do or she wants to cross any boundary I have. If I resist I get full narcissistic rage or intense silent treatment together with being unhelpful when it comes to critical matters relating t9 our parents. I don’t know what to do. She’s a narcissist for sure. In the last 40 years I dont remember a single instance of real connection or empathy or an apology
Complete avoidance of her is probably your only option as far as I can see. If you refuse to do something she wants you to do and keeps on annoying you with constant phonecalls trying to get you to change your mind, perhaps you could call the Police and they might have a word with her, but it would need to be very very serious before they could get or restraining notice.
 
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Peacedreamer4

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London
Also dealing with a toxic sibling what happened to you're your thread?
 
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