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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I’m so tired of living..

M

matthewxyz

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
17
Location
UK
I’m 30 years old. 17 years of depression and ‘certain thoughts’ yet my feelings are still the same, and it’s making me exhausted at this point..

I try, and try, and try..
When life gets sh*t, I actively make all the necessary changes to make my surroundings “better”.. I’ve moved several times, changed jobs, gone back to education, dropped out, and I keep taking risks to try and find some meaning or passion in my life. There’s nothing.

Am I really meant to pick myself up for the 1 millionth time and spend another 17 years trying to find some sort of determination to live? I’m so tired of living this life, day after day it just gets more and more tiring.. I feel like I’m just living on borrowed time at this point.
 
C

celticlass

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
1,223
Location
Scotland
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. My immediate response to what you have said here is to be wondering if you have been correctly diagnosed and treated. I mean I wonder if you could maybe be bipolar? Is it a GP who treats your mental health or are you seen by a mental health team?
 
M

matthewxyz

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2020
Messages
17
Location
UK
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. My immediate response to what you have said here is to be wondering if you have been correctly diagnosed and treated. I mean I wonder if you could maybe be bipolar? Is it a GP who treats your mental health or are you seen by a mental health team?
Hi there. No need to feel sorry, it just is what it is. I’m definitely not bipolar since I don’t experience mood swings or mania. I’m very sane and unsuspecting. Sometimes I feel like I’m an actor or a master of manipulation because no one would suspect I feel the way I do because I just don’t want to present myself that way. I wake up early, shower daily, dress well, groom myself, put on a fake smile and try to present the ‘best version of myself’ to mask how I really feel - and I prefer it that way because I don’t want people constantly asking about my feelings, probe me like a therapist or walk on egg shells because they may think I’m too sensitive. The last time I was in contact with mental health services was following my last attempt back in 2010. Since then I’ve pretty much been my own therapist as I’m quite rational and logical, I have good advice and I proactively act on it too.. but I can never shake that emptiness at the centre of my chest, or the darkness at the back of my mind. I have spoken to a psychologist/counsellor about a year and a half ago to discuss my mental health but it didn’t really enlighten me or change anything.. I just don’t feel motivated or passionate about anything in my life.. and no one can say I haven’t tried because I’ve really done a lot to actively search for something, anything that makes me tick

The thought of continuing living this way for another 5, 10, 15, 20 years just sounds excruciatingly tiring and mundane..
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
958
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
Hi there. No need to feel sorry, it just is what it is. I’m definitely not bipolar since I don’t experience mood swings or mania. I’m very sane and unsuspecting. Sometimes I feel like I’m an actor or a master of manipulation because no one would suspect I feel the way I do because I just don’t want to present myself that way. I wake up early, shower daily, dress well, groom myself, put on a fake smile and try to present the ‘best version of myself’ to mask how I really feel - and I prefer it that way because I don’t want people constantly asking about my feelings, probe me like a therapist or walk on egg shells because they may think I’m too sensitive. The last time I was in contact with mental health services was following my last attempt back in 2010. Since then I’ve pretty much been my own therapist as I’m quite rational and logical, I have good advice and I proactively act on it too.. but I can never shake that emptiness at the centre of my chest, or the darkness at the back of my mind. I have spoken to a psychologist/counsellor about a year and a half ago to discuss my mental health but it didn’t really enlighten me or change anything.. I just don’t feel motivated or passionate about anything in my life.. and no one can say I haven’t tried because I’ve really done a lot to actively search for something, anything that makes me tick

The thought of continuing living this way for another 5, 10, 15, 20 years just sounds excruciatingly tiring and mundane..
Take one day at a time and live in the moment. Today is all we have--neither the past nor the future.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,196
Location
USA
Hi there. No need to feel sorry, it just is what it is. I’m definitely not bipolar since I don’t experience mood swings or mania. I’m very sane and unsuspecting. Sometimes I feel like I’m an actor or a master of manipulation because no one would suspect I feel the way I do because I just don’t want to present myself that way. I wake up early, shower daily, dress well, groom myself, put on a fake smile and try to present the ‘best version of myself’ to mask how I really feel - and I prefer it that way because I don’t want people constantly asking about my feelings, probe me like a therapist or walk on egg shells because they may think I’m too sensitive. The last time I was in contact with mental health services was following my last attempt back in 2010. Since then I’ve pretty much been my own therapist as I’m quite rational and logical, I have good advice and I proactively act on it too.. but I can never shake that emptiness at the centre of my chest, or the darkness at the back of my mind. I have spoken to a psychologist/counsellor about a year and a half ago to discuss my mental health but it didn’t really enlighten me or change anything.. I just don’t feel motivated or passionate about anything in my life.. and no one can say I haven’t tried because I’ve really done a lot to actively search for something, anything that makes me tick

The thought of continuing living this way for another 5, 10, 15, 20 years just sounds excruciatingly tiring and mundane..
You're doing well for dealing with it as you have. The regular routine of getting up every morning and preparing yourself for another day is significant, that shows you have perseverance.

Do you think one of the new SSRI medications could help take the edge off your daily depression-at least make it more tolerable while you look into longer term therapy or something? I am on Setraline and it helps me. No, it doesn't make the problems go away but it helps round the sharp corners on the 'hits'.

Therapy takes time, sometimes years, to get to the root of things that are bothering you. It won't happen short term. But, if you're willing to work at it (you sound like that type of person) it can be very beneficial. Many of us have things deep down that are troubling us and dragging us down.

The 'emptiness' means you are looking for meaning in your life, many of us are. Do you have anyone special in your life, or do you have things you do outside of work which give you fulfillment? Things like that can alleviate the ache inside to some degree and help us through the worst periods.
 
BadWolf10

BadWolf10

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 18, 2021
Messages
77
Location
UK
Keep going.
Keep talking

Little steps.
It is hard, I won't lie. But one step at a time and then you will be amazed how far you've come
 
E

Elphie10

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 19, 2020
Messages
61
Location
UK
Your experience sounds a lot like mine. Someone told me to take each day one at a time when I start to despair, and it helps to remind myself of that.
 
A

alanarbor

New member
Joined
Apr 4, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Pennsylvania
I hear that. I'm not suicidal, but I fantasize about dying, just so I can rest.
 
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