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I’m sick and tired

J

Julian93

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Does it hurt you when people don’t notice your suffering? i Hide my depression very well from others, at least I try to. But at the same time, I think people SHOULD notice. You know? Like, while I’m desperately trying to hide the fact that I’m dying inside, I’m aware that my behaviors and actions aren’t my normal self. Shouldn’t people notice that? Especially when they know I’m diagnosed with bipolar and self harm? They know this, so, when I become more quiet than normal or edgy, wouldn’t you think they would notice that? It especially hurts when they constantly are saying they think other people are depressed. Like, what am I? A picture of sunshine? Another thing that gets me where it hurts is when they degrade people who are open about their depression. They’ll say things like “I always thought she was so strong”. What are they saying about me? And the topic of suicide! Don’t even get me started. they always, without fail will say, “what on earth can be sooo bad that would make somebody do that?” All the while knowing that I was in and out of psych wards for, what was that again? Oh yeah, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! Are they doing this on purpose? To torment me? Then in the next breath, they’ll say how smart I am or how much they love me. I’m sick and tired of this roller coaster. I’m sick of living, and I’m tired of breathing.
 
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bpd2020

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Often we are so good at putting a mask on, nobody would have any idea of how we are really feeling. It does hurt but at the same time, if we do not tell anybody they cannot know. Sometimes when people go quiet it is because they want some space and to be left alone. Maybe if you told people that when you are quiet you need support then they would understand.

I can understand your point about people who say things like 'I always thought they were strong'. It is sad some people see having depression as being weak. I think it shows a total lack of understanding. It sounds to me like the people you talk about do not understand what it is like to struggle. I find such people very triggering.
 
J

Julian93

Active member
Joined
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Often we are so good at putting a mask on, nobody would have any idea of how we are really feeling. It does hurt but at the same time, if we do not tell anybody they cannot know. Sometimes when people go quiet it is because they want some space and to be left alone. Maybe if you told people that when you are quiet you need support then they would understand.

I can understand your point about people who say things like 'I always thought they were strong'. It is sad some people see having depression as being weak. I think it shows a total lack of understanding. It sounds to me like the people you talk about do not understand what it is like to struggle. I find such people very triggering.
It’s all the same person. And she knows I’m quiet when I’m upset or depressed or going through anything. At one of the in patient centers part of release was to have an emergency plan with my triggers and warning signs. So she knows. And she never followed through with the plan. And honestly, I probably pushed her away in that aspect. Whenever she would ask if I was ok, I would take it like a threat or an attack. But I guess I just felt and still feel like she doesn’t really care about me. She never believed I was bipolar, and that made me feel unheard and like my pain wasn’t real. So, when she would ask if I was ok, it never felt like genuine concern, but more like, “what am I going to have to deal with now” also, she would never ask when I actually needed help. So that made me feel like she didn’t want to deal with something real, like she’d rather ask other times, to make herself feel better, like she’s doing the best she can.
 
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bpd2020

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Do you think talking to her may help? It sounds like she may not be sure of how to support you. When she first asked, you were not ready but now you would like to be asked. She may not realise this. It must have been very hurtful for her not to believe you have bipolar.
 
M

ManDss

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So sorry to hear u are doing so bad.

About people, its quite hard to say why they are doing that.

Sadly, people arent good in general about taking care with someone with depression. I know sounds bad, but thats the truth.

Expext the less of help, is, sadly, a good expectation.

Can you talk openly with them ? Say "hey, im depress"
 
J

Julian93

Active member
Joined
Nov 24, 2020
Messages
40
Location
USA
So sorry to hear u are doing so bad.

About people, its quite hard to say why they are doing that.

Sadly, people arent good in general about taking care with someone with depression. I know sounds bad, but thats the truth.

Expext the less of help, is, sadly, a good expectation.

Can you talk openly with them ? Say "hey, im depress"
No, I can’t talk to her openly. We talk about everyday things, but not about how I feel, or emotions. It was never ok to express any emotion growing up, good or bad. So, when I had the breakdown years ago and I had to talk about it, and she didn’t give me what I needed emotionally, it did something to me. So, I did learn that people don’t help and they will eventually leave. Everybody will leave, everybody will disappoint you at one point. I don’t actually want her to ask if I’m ok. Its just that, when she doesn’t, to me, it feels like she must not care enough to see that I’m not alright.
 
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