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I’m not sure what to do anymore.

R

Retaw

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May 10, 2019
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I’m not sure where to post this, but zi think depression suits the best.

Well, my mood is low. I deal with obsessive thoughts and intrusions. That’s what I’m thinking at least. That is the main problem. I also feel depressed and have trouble functioning in everyday life due of social anxiety and kind of dissociative symptoms.

I’ve been dealing with this for around 5 years now. I’m 22. I’ve been writing pieces on the internet ever since I dealt with this. Sometimes I write frequently and other times less due of various reasons. Now it has been a while and I felt like I needed to clear my mind with the information that has been in my mind.

So, I said I dealt with my symptoms for around 5 years. I must say there was build up how all of this happened. I was born in a unstable household with a abusive parent. I find it hard to calculate how much of a impact this have been on myself, because when the situation went bad at home I was just a little kid. It probably have had a impact on me on some way. My confidence and social strength for example.

After some heavy events I ran away from home with my mom and little sister. Starting a new life. I was around 13 years old. Memories are a bit more clear for me starting from this point. I think that isn’t odd.

I was pretty much a rebbel the first 2 years on school. I think it was more out of insecurity and the thought of having a strong status to not be alone at school and getting bullied. Also maybe frustration about what happened in my early years.

The other 2 years on school things changed. I started to be a lot more on myself. The friends I had just where sort of dickheads to be completely honest and I started to come at the conclusion I didn’t wanted to be friends with people like that.

I made new friends outside of school and I was almost every day just outside hanging around with them. My confidence was just super low. It affected me in a lot of situations. Being in groups was horrible for me. I just felt like I couldn’t say a single word.

I started experimenting with marijuana when I was around 16 years old. It brought me more bad stuff then good stuff. It made me feel paranoid at times. Every time I took it I completely became inside my own world and I felt socially super anxious. Why did I took it then? I’m not sure if you ask me now. My friends did it and so did I think. I didn’t want to fall out of the boat so to say.

I moved to various locations at the new city I was living because of financially instability my mom was having.

I managed to finish school against all predictions of my teachers and I started going to college. Hospitality. Not the greatest choice for someone who dealt with so much insecurity and social anxiety. But teachers where pretty positive about my functioning strangely. At least, that wasn’t how it felt for me. It did felt good to start on a new school.

In my free time I was always outside. 99% of the time smoking marijuana or going to bars and such.

I want to adres what type of person I was. I just didn’t take things seriously. I was trying to find a way out myself which there wasn’t. I was trying to do things I could enjoy. And yes, I don’t want to make everything dramatic. Some times I did have fun. I had a good connection with the people I was hanging out with. Relationships where a no for me. I felt to insecure about myself for that. I had some options, but nothing really happened. It just wasn’t possible.

When I was in my second year of college I took mushrooms one time. It was a horrible experience. I really didn’t want to harddrugs, but my friends where doing it… And I didn’t want to fall behind… Stupid decision, but it was hard not to I think, because I was vulnerable.

A few months later everything went down hill. As a volcano that has been burst. I started having hyperventilation, which made me constantly afraid of losing control. I started to avoid taking busrides, groceries and things like that. Also school began to be a big problem. I couldn’t be in class for more then 10 minutes. I started to avoid almost everything. I started going to go to a psychologist, which tried to help me out. But it didn’t work out. Looking back, I can make a conclusion that the help I was getting there wasn’t the right one. It where people with not so much experience with people outside of addiction problems.

After a year of getting therapy over there I just didn’t made enough progress so they decided to let me go. I went on a waiting list for longer then a year for treatment. In this time period I started to become more and more afraid that I was just crazy and I could hurt someone. I just was constantly busy with only this subject in my mind. But the obsession didn’t stay just with that. It began to control everything. I couldn’t drink caffeine, alcohol. Red and black became wrong colors. 6 became a wrong number. I was afraid the smallest things could make me lose control. I started to get trouble with going for a walk. Months went by without even leaving my home. I even felt anxious sitting on my balcony. I felt like I needed to avoid everything.

A bit more then a year later I was called by the company I was on the waiting list for, but in the meantime my symptoms had growed a lot and the stuff I dealt with was much more complex, because it became to control everything. I started doing intensive exposure therapy, but that didn’t work out as well. I had just 3 months max. I actually felt worse when I left.

A few months later I took a big step and I started doing daytime activities via a coach (no therapist) inside a group. We do stuff like fixing gardens, doing sports etc. I must say it has been the greatest help I’ve had so far, but I’m still struggling heavily. Socially I’ve became a bit stronger and my rhythm has been drastically improved.

But the mind problems. They still exist and they are bottering me a lot. My coach tries to help me with it, but it’s hard. I need a therapist for that as well. When I went away from the last psychologist I registered myself for therapy, but it has been over a year and it’s still unclear when I could start.

I obsess heavily about whether something is good or right. And that in extreme manners. Colors, numbers like I told before are still a issue, but there is much much more then that. For example I have trouble eating, because I’m not sure if eating stuff that has been alive is good. Also plants. I work in gardens so this is difficult. I try to ignore it, but it’s super hard. I’m afraid of evil things. I have been whole my life, but it always has been a problem to me. I’m pretty sure I’m just a helpless crazy odd person which could potentially be dangerous. I feel very depressed. Also about the world. I just feel like I shouldn’t exist. I just feel strange. I’m afraid of myself. I can doubt about everything. Often I feel like I ain’t in control of myself. It’s just odd. I’m afraid I lack empathy and that’s why I am like this. Or I do have empathy. I’m not sure. I avoid watching tv, because I’m afraid something triggers. And everytime I do watch something I just have these odd thoughts. And there is way more then this..

Psychologist think I may have autism. I question that. I’ve been diagnosed with ADD. I question that as well, but maybe because I think so much it could be potentially true. Maybe it’s pure ocd, but I’m not sure. The psychologists i had so far just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not sure what’s the best version of myself and if there is a better version. What’s super difficult is that emotionally I’m super unbalanced and I just can’t handle them. Particularly, I can’t cry and that’s super annoying

So yeah, that’s pretty much my entire life. A struggle to say the least. I’m 22. I’m relatively young, but I also feel that time can go by fast. I don’t know what I want in this life. Can life be fun? Can life be fun for me? Of course this ain’t everything. I’m sure I missed some stuff. If anything is unclear you can ask me. And yeah.. If someone has a tip, a answer, I’m happy to hear it.
So yeah, that’s pretty much my entire life. A struggle to say the least. I’m 22. I’m relatively young, but I also feel that time can go by fast. I don’t know what I want in this life. Can life be fun? Can life be fun for me? Of course this ain’t everything. I’m sure I missed some stuff. If anything is unclear you can ask me. And yeah.. If someone has a tip, a answer, I’m happy to hear it.
 
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