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I’m not sure what’s wrong with me

R

Retaw

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May 10, 2019
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I’m just struggling a lot and I felt that I had to reach out.

Compared to 3 months ago I have gone through some huge challenges to try to recover. All of them I succeeded, so that’s positive.. But..

My illness isn’t improving. It’s still the same. It generally all comes together to me thinking I’m the most horrible person ever. It’s really that I feel like I am. I have a lot of intrusions. Even so much I can’t watch tv anymore. These intrusions, or whatever they are are all based on good and bad. I also experience violent intrusions which are the worst. I really let it control myself so much. I have created tons of distrust in a lot of things. Colors for example. I have to wear only light colors otherwise I feel very bad. I judge people by there eyecolors as well (which I am absolutely ashamed of). Food, I am always afraid what the effect will be on myself. Even a little icecream. Numbers.. 6 and 9 are the bad ones for me. Brand names.. If it reminds me of something negative it doesn’t feel right. Everytime I see violence it triggers a lot. And so on so forth. It really affects me a lot and like I said, it controls me. I feel like my whole identity has been shaped to my illness. I feel always on the edge on losing control and doing stupid.

I try to think what the reasons are why this is happening to me. I have dealt with trauma and drugs. Both had a negative impact on my life. But I’m really not sure if it has to do with how I feel right now. The drugs could be a very big possibility, because sometimes (or actually a lot) I feel like I experience the world in a whole other way. It’s like I’m high, but very unsettling. Especially if intrusions will pop up as well etc.

I never been officially diagnosed with ocd. The reason I posted this over here is that I did found out I could mostly related to ocd. Cptsd is also a possibility.

But there is also a thought that I’m just like this and I do am absolutely horrible.

My life has been very isolated and unhealthy for the last 4 years. I’m trying to take steps back into society, but it’s extremely tough. I feel like a outsider basically.

If anyone have questions, let me know. I’d really appreciate to talk with someone about this. I’m just afraid that I’ll start to believe 100% in all my thoughts.

Thanks
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Nov 10, 2019
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It sounds like you are working very hard to overcome your symptoms.

I think there needs to be a bit of acceptance with our symptoms. They are there and we can gently try to keep pushing ourselves in the right direction like wearing a dark pair of socks with light clothes, pushing yourself a little further each time.

Are you receiving treatment? It is good to keep bashing at it, keep reading about it and reading how other people deal with it. As long as in between that, you are giving yourself plenty of rest and nice experiences that improve your wellbeing.

Eventually life will be a bit easier i am sure.

What do you enjoy doing?
 
R

Retaw

Well-known member
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
162
Location
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It sounds like you are working very hard to overcome your symptoms.

I think there needs to be a bit of acceptance with our symptoms. They are there and we can gently try to keep pushing ourselves in the right direction like wearing a dark pair of socks with light clothes, pushing yourself a little further each time.

Are you receiving treatment? It is good to keep bashing at it, keep reading about it and reading how other people deal with it. As long as in between that, you are giving yourself plenty of rest and nice experiences that improve your wellbeing.

Eventually life will be a bit easier i am sure.

What do you enjoy doing?
I appreciate your reply:)

I’m trying my best indeed. Physically I’m improving as well. I’m getting more fit.

I’m not sure how I can accept this. I think I understand what you mean though. But I just don’t know how to do it.

I’m actually wearing sometimes dark clothes even if I’m not well in them. It doesn’t go away though. The thoughts remain you know.. It feels like I have to do something about the core issue. Which is me fearing everything that reminds of dark stuff. I hate myself that I judge others about colors as well... Like, I really hate myself for it.. I just don’t get what is wrong with me you know. I always have these hard thoughts and feelings no one really seems to get including me. It’s like I can create with anything a hard thought.

Besides my social worker and the group program I’m following I’m not seeing a psychologist yet. I soon have a appointment after being on a waiting lists for the 2nd time that takes over a year. Hopefully they can offer something helpful.

I have no things I love doing to be honest. Like, I always did stuff that is creative like making music and drawing, but it doesn’t give me joy atm. I’m actually very bored usually, but also I’m always occupied by my thoughts, so I can’t really find anything. Right now I’m kinda enjoying sports, but nothing really major.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Forum Guide
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Location
England
I always find that when i am struggling mentally, my hobbies are not as enjoyable, and not helpful.

When everything is very hard, it is good to sleep, eat good meals, walk, or be around others. Nature is a lifesaver sometimes too.

The colours and dark, that is strange. Many people have strange thoughts like that but of course many more do not. I am sure you know you are not alone in this difficulty and maybe that is a bit of a help.

The core issue? I hope you get to see a psychologist soon. I was waiting for help once and by the time i got it (over a year) i could manage myself. I had gotten through it all with the help of charities and the people i met there. Lots of museums, coffee, lunch, juke boxes, music and of course many difficult days too, but somehow i got there.

While you are waiting for the psychologist, you will be strengthening every day too. With each day that passes, we are growing, learning, understanding and hopefully having some fun too.

What people wear and the colour of their eyes, means nothing about who they are. Many people who wear dark colours are simply conscious of their weight or want to blend in. Those in bright colours are often positive in mood and feel confident to stand out.
 
R

Retaw

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Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
162
Location
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Yeah exactly, even though it’s hard I try to be surrounded by others when nothing feeling okay. Nature (forrest) is triggering for me, because of a trauma.

I know more people have colors obsessions and I’m not completely alone with it. The reason though, I’m not sure.

I know that last part. It’s just that there is a little voice inside my mind that’s constantly telling me awful stuff. I’m not sure if they can be considered intrusions. They are very bothering though. Basically it’s controlling me in every way. I’m trying my best to think like you said I should. The weird feelings aren’t really helping. Man, it makes me mad. I just want to have control over my opinion. It’s like a hyperfocus. I can’t ignore it. I’m sure no one is scared about people eyes, and then there is me, with these ridiculous thoughts. I can’t write it it down, but it doesn’t click inside my mind.
 
R

Retaw

Well-known member
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
162
Location
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It’s just makes me doubt my existence. I just can’t live with myself. I don’t think straight. Sometimes I wonder if I might be better of leaving. I must be crazy for having these thoughts.
 
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