I’m new here and looking for feedback

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Emotinium

Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2019
Messages
7
Location
The Netherlands
#1
Hi everyone,

I’m suffering from generalized anxiety disorder and derealisation for 2/3 years now.

My personal story;

When I was 4 years old my parents divorced. I was living by my mom and I saw my dad 2 times a month. My mom met a new husband. From my 4th till 14th year old I am abused by him daily mostly mentally but also psysically. A few examples what happend; Shatterd my mothers hand, threatened to hurt my family, beaten when I said something he didn’t liked, moved to much different places due financial debts and well luckely I don’t know every single day of my life when I was that young.. When I was 14 me, my mom, sister and brother we fled away. Everything what happend was still fresh in my mind and I became a very negative person with social anxiety and I was learned to think 300 times before I actually said a word, so I was a very introvert person. The only place where I spoke more was at home. My family always helped me to say this everytime I saw them and it actually became worse day after day. On school my teachers called me a dreamer and I knew inside me I wanted to speak more and say what I wanted but I couldn’t. At the other hand I was very good at 1 on 1 conversations and was quit populair. Except the approach on girls. I was way to insecure about it and I had much oppurtunities to do something with it, but I couldn’t. When I was 16 I started to experiment with weed. It started with once a week till I a period when I was doing it daily. It was comouflage of my insecurities and although it made me anxious at times and really depressed I didn’t stop with it, because it gave me the feeling to get distance with the real world. I wasn’t able to look for help of proffesionals, because;

1. I wanted to be just normal like others
2. Was too insecure of talking to others about what was going on in my mind.
3. I didn’t think it would help me.

After all if I look back I wish I was reaching out for help much sooner, but I kept on going with my life. One day when I was 17 I planned to do magic mushrooms with a couple of friends. The first hour when I took it it was a real disaster. I was trying to hide it that I was getting a bad trip, because I didn’t want to ruin the experience of the others. I decided to accept the effect of it and think it was over soon. If I look back I know it was a really stupid idea to do it in my situation, but well.. I kinda accept that I did it now and I know it was a unique experience. It did trigger some thoughts and feelings which I wasn’t aware of before. So, I was getting further with my life after this and it was getting worse and worse with me. One day I decided to do weed before class. I never did that because I was really scared if other would see that I was high, but my friends did it all the time. My classmate came with the idea and when we did it and we came back in class I was getting my first anxiety attack. I experienced a few things from the past. A year before I fainted it the same class and I was experience a few of the same symptoms. When I sat down on my chair my heart was bouncing like crazy and it became really hot. I was super afraid to tell my teachers that I wanted to leave the class, but after much thinking and doubts I did it. Once I left the school I needed to go home. I came there by bus, but I had so much anxiety that I wasn’t able to get it in, so I decided to walk to my home. I walked for 4 hours. A week after that I was experiencing anxiety symptoms more often. I had a few hyperventilations and I was avoiding more and more stuff. The first month I was getting to school for one hour a day and the next month I wasn’t able to walk in my school anymore. I was still going with the bus to school for a month with the hope I would be able to overcome it.

This is the moment when I knew I needed serious help right now. I quited school and lost my job and I came in a black hole. After a few months I finally could see a therapist, but it didn’t helped me out a lot. Now it is 2 years later and I’m still not cured of my anxiety. I’m taking fluoxetine, but to be real it don’t really help me a lot I believe. I did EMDR to cure some things of the past and that is something I did made some improvement in. My social anxiety is also less then it was before. Last year I went on holliday to spain to my family and they actually where suprised that I spoke more with them. That gave me a good feeling, although the half of the vacation was a nightmare. I do leave my house more then I did before to do simple stuff, but it is still a struggle. I’m looking for freelance work now from the township which would be HUGE step for me, but I really really want it and I want to atleast try it.

I’m thinking a lot about stuff all day long and day after day I am becoming more and more tired of living this way. I feel like I’m trapped in a cage and anxiety took over my life and I don’t know anymore what to do. I almost never see my friends anymore and the only people I have are my mother, brother and sister. My father don’t know what I have and don’t want to know what I have. I feeling lately more and more depressed. Symptoms I experience mostly in my daily life are;

- Anxiety
- Depression thoughts
- Derealisation
- Social anxiety although it is less
- Fatigue
- Afraid of losing control of what I do and what is happening to my body.

If I look to future I am so negative. I don’t think I would ever find a girl which I could be with, because of my symptoms. I don’t feel good enough for it and I am still way to anxious. That thought bothers me a lot. Derealisation is something which I experience daily almost all the time and it is once of the worst things ever. That goes together with losing control of myself. I’m afraid that I become crazy. I am not able to live this way for too long. I want to be happy, something that I didn’t really experienced yet in my life. Today I had my first job application in 2/3 years and I was super anxious and derealisation was all over me. This weekend my brother is giving is own party with a few famous dj’s. I know it is not needed to drink alcohol, but to not be able to drink makes me super depressive. Alcohol triggers my derealisation and fear of losing control even more. I am in a huge doubt to go or not. I havent visit any party the last 2/3 years so this would be a HUGE step for me. I’m trying to get better in making music. Something that I am trying for years, but I am perfectionistic person and I have days that I’m too depressed for it to come up with ideas. Again the feeling of not being free pulls me really down. For example; I want to be able to travel around the world on my own with a smile on my face without anxiety. I want to live on myself. I want to be able to do paid work. I want to be good at something.

I really really appreciate any advice. I know that with the amount of words I used I could wright a whole book, but I wanted to put down everything clear what is going on.
 
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dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
233
#2
Seriously, you should be cutting alcohol and drugs out completely. I mean, I hate to say it, but if you're going to drink then you're basically just inviting the mental health symptoms. Since I cut out any drugs and weed from my life, my panic attacks happen close to never now whereas before I was getting them all the time. Come on, it's basic common sense, going to a party and drinking there isn't going to make you actually feel better in the long run. Clearly drugs and alcohol aren't for you, no matter the illusion they may give you that they are 'helping'. They're not.

You sound like an interesting and reflective person who has wise aspirations, so trust in them more. At the end of the day, really deeply wanting your mental health to improve is the only thing that's going to change a person over time. You have to have that mindset of determination, that this is a long term healing process, because everyone has some blips so when you have a blip, forgive yourself and remember the end goal is to get better. It doesn't matter if you have some down days.

It's hard to give you any real advice because everyone's journey is so individualistic, and people often ignore the words of others when they are really suffering. I think this journey has to be as much as possible about YOU and YOU taking back control. Deep deep down you already know the things that benefit you and the things that don't respect you. So trust that intuition and that wisdom.

To name a few positive changes: respect yourself and your body, respect your talents, don't get drawn into unhealthy ways like drinking and drugs, or surrounding yourself with toxic people. That sort of thing. I'm sure you know what's good for you.

Be grateful for the positive changes you've already made and the aspirations you have to improve. The future you will thank you.
 
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Emotinium

Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2019
Messages
7
Location
The Netherlands
#3
Thank you for taking the time to read the whole story and reply to it.

I have completely cut out any drugs and alcohol in my life after it went down with me. I don’t planning to do any drugs again. I know and I am aware that I am not the person for it. Alcohol on the other hand is something else. It is something that do gave me joy in the past. I don’t want to drink a lot or something, but it feels so bad that my thoughts mess up the experience of even one sip of a beer. Because I know I enjoyed it in the past I always keep the hope that one day I could enjoy it again. Basically also that it wil give me personally again the power that I am a free person again. I hope you will understand that.

I agree that everyone is different and everyones journey is also different. But through experiences you can learn from others and it can benefit your personal journey. But I am aware that at the end it is just me which have to do it.

This derealisation gives me a lot of blurred vision. I also have a few psycical symptoms like really dry skin, excessive persperiation(also when I don’t have any stress) and dizziness. Those last 2 can obvious be mentally, but yesterday I had really dark urine. It looked almost like blood. It could be that I drink not enough, but I haven’t test my blood in years, so I wonder if it could be something else maybe. Anyway, just wanted to say that I’m planning to do that and if there comes something out of it I would be quit suprised.

I hope I can fulfill my dreams one day and finally can figure out what happines is. I try to keep hope although sometimes it’s really hard. I know some things in life do take time and I can say that back in the days my consciousness was way less then it is now. I was living like a robot and I know that my spirit had enough of my bad habbits of living and had to make a stop to it. I am getting to know myself better, but I still got a journey in that object as well.

Anyway, thanks again for your feedback and I wish you a great day.