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I’m In a vulnerable position how should I handle it?(Warning Long read!)

G

grentthealien

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2019
Messages
82
Location
Canada
I’ve tested the waters here for a little bit and have come to the conclusion that I need to air my dirty laundry somewhere since I don’t have a therapist or psychiatrist anymore. I feel my case is pretty unique so I wasn’t sure what section to post it in so I think experiences fits the bill enough.

Long story sure I think I have body dysmorphic disorder. I have also been diagnosed in the past with Aspergers and OCD if that’s important.Anyway, I have literally obsessed about a thinnning hairline to the point it has made me utterly dysfunctional. To put it into perspective how bad things got I went through a period where I didn’t leave my house for a year because I was so depressed and obsessed with it. I have just recently made steps forward by going out a bit.

I got to that point for two main reasons. Firstly I don’t have a job and secondly I’m not going to university. I’m a single 22 year old so I still live with my parents. So if you have no reason to go outside and you’re depressed and stuck in your head you find a few weeks will go by like nothing and the next thing you know it has snowballed to the point that you haven’t been out in a year.

If you were to look at me you’d think I’m insane because my hair thinning isn’t highly noticeable yet, but my biggest worry is what I’m going to do when it progresses. The only answer I’ve come up with is to wait for it to thin out some more , get a hair transplant to fix my hairline and then get back on my hair loss medication and hope I don’t ever have to get another transplant. I’d love to be able to just shave my head and move on, but I don’t think I’m one of those good looking guys who will still look good with no hair.

I feel vain, insecure and lonely now. I’ve dealt with a lot of rejection from girls growing up so I figure this has made me feel like I have to be perfect to maintain a relationship with them. I’m a believer in natural selection so while I do think in some cases looks aren’t important and people can look beyond that I also think that the better you look the much better your chances are at reproducing and passing on your genes. It is a cold and unforgiving way to look at things, but a lot of the universe is that way and I think that it is especially pertinent for young people.

So now that you know the thought process behind my insanity I must say that I am at least trying to get things together a bit. As I said I’ve gone out a little bit and along with that I’ve rediscovered old hobbies like writing, reading, watching movies and listening to music. I have also been showering and shaving more consistently. The sudden death of my dog a month ago was what set this in motion for me as I took note of just how fragile life really is. With this energy I’ve tried to at least socialize more on the internet and have met a girl from another country while doing this. We have hit it off which is nice, but it has put me in a dilemma.

Me and this girl talk daily through texts on social media as obviously with my present insecurities I don’t want to Skype. She has no clue about just how bad my life has been lately, but she is very wholesome for a 18 year old and listens to me without getting bored of me. She has shown signs that she likes me by casually asking me if I ever thought about moving out of Canada and if so where would I go? I answered honestly and said it depends on the circumstances. I’m in Canada and she’s in America so if I loved her enough I’d at least consider it, but I know that I’m in no condition to push the envelope and move things faster with this girl so for now I’m keeping my feelings to myself.

My hope is that I can keep this door open for as long as possible until I’ve healed myself to the point that I can open my heart again. It could take as long as a year so how I plan to keep her interested and entertained is beyond me, but I’m trying. I know things can change quickly with a simple twist of fate , but that is life itself. I fee very vulnerable and am clinging on, but I feel that depression comes when you are unable to forge the future that you need. I want to at least try before to do that before choosing to exit.

I apologize if I come across as vain and delusional. I deeply understand that so many people have it so much worse than me. I have two parents that love me and a home to live in which is more than some. Because of those things I have hope. All I’m looking for is some guidance so if you have any thoughts on my views on body image or what I should do about the girl I’m talking with please respond with them. I would greatly appreciate it!



 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
11,226
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
BDD isnt vain, its a real condition and i'll be honest, you need to get it under control :hug:

can your family help you get a therapist? :hug:
 
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