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I’m always lost and I hate myself for it.

Muddledmuggle

Muddledmuggle

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Jun 5, 2021
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Location
India
I’m always on autopilot.
I’m never fully present in the moment for anything because something or the other is always bothering me, instead of focusing on what I’m doing I tend to always overthink the past..how I could’ve done/said things differently, how I’ve hurt others and how I’ve made a fool of myself on countless occasions. And this isn’t something which happens actively..my mind is so habituated to this thought process that I do it all day everyday without even realising. This makes my memory foggy and I tend to be forgetful and careless as I do things mindlessly- and that makes me loathe myself even more and adds on to the process. I don’t feel self aware of my emotions but I just know that I’m sad a lot..and guilty because I’m privileged and have an endearing family and some great friends AND yet I feel empty inside.
Please tell me someone else out there feels the same way too...
 
T

turnitoffandonagain_again

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May 27, 2020
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750
Location
UK
I’m always on autopilot.
I’m never fully present in the moment for anything because something or the other is always bothering me, instead of focusing on what I’m doing I tend to always overthink the past..how I could’ve done/said things differently, how I’ve hurt others and how I’ve made a fool of myself on countless occasions. And this isn’t something which happens actively..my mind is so habituated to this thought process that I do it all day everyday without even realising. This makes my memory foggy and I tend to be forgetful and careless as I do things mindlessly- and that makes me loathe myself even more and adds on to the process. I don’t feel self aware of my emotions but I just know that I’m sad a lot..and guilty because I’m privileged and have an endearing family and some great friends AND yet I feel empty inside.
Please tell me someone else out there feels the same way too...
I would say I do that a lot. Frequently ruminating/brooding, feeling bad about painful memories of past events that suddenly come into my mind, trying to make sense of everything that's happened in my life (honestly, life just does not make sense - it's just a random stream of incomprehensible things that happen to you, and then you die).

And also getting into internal ranting monologues about aspects of the world that enrage me (most commonly, these days, fuming about the mental health profession).

I wouldn't say it affects my memory, but it does affect social interactions.

PS this seems to be in the wrong sub-forum, no?
 
Muddledmuggle

Muddledmuggle

Active member
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Messages
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Location
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Woah lmao you’re so right..life really is a series of bizzare events that just don’t make sense.

Yes I have that tendency too, currently furious regarding the corona situation and the plummeting health care system in our country, also the atrocities against the frontline workers.

What exactly about the mental health profession is causing your rage?

I have become extremely absent minded and moody cause of being at war with myself 24/7

Yeah now that you pointed it out, this is not where I’m supposed to post this :| It’s my 2nd day on this forum, still figuring it out.
 
Muddledmuggle

Muddledmuggle

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Location
India
Also your username resonates with my mood for some reason
 
T

turnitoffandonagain_again

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Messages
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What exactly about the mental health profession is causing your rage?
I just think in general they pretend to have an expert knowledge that they don't really have, that in fact nobody has because it doesn't exist. There are no experts in 'how to cope with human existence'.

Have so many memories of interactions with them where I feel angry at remembering what they said. Plus everything I've read about the history of the discipline, or read about contemporaneously in the news, reinforces my feeling that they don't really know as much as they think they do or pretend to.

It's most-of-all CBT I feel angry about - I consider that to be a kind of right-wing ideology of victim-blaming, that falsely masquarades as a therapy for helping people. I don't honestly know how much that applies to the entire discipline of psychology/psychiatry. Maybe some parts of it do help some people with some conditions- it seems a large field with many 'schools' (a fact which itself makes one wonder if it's really a 'science'). But I have developed an animosity to CBT. Really thought it was rubbish, from the repeated bouts of it I had. Feels like it's a distant relative of Ayn Rand's 'philosophy'.

Yeah now that you pointed it out, this is not where I’m supposed to post this :| It’s my 2nd day on this forum, still figuring it out.
Maybe 'report' your own post and ask for it to be moved to a more appropriate forum.
 
T

turnitoffandonagain_again

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Addendum - was thinking today that CBT could be represented by the final part of The Life Of Brian. It's telling people nailed to crosses that what they need is to join in a rousing rendition of 'always look on the bright side of life', rather than, say, actually helping them down from the cross...or doing something to end the practice of nailing people up there in the first place.
 
Muddledmuggle

Muddledmuggle

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Joined
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Location
India
Probably you’re right, idk, I recently started off with therapy and it isn’t going as I’d expected but I’ll give it some more time before I can label it good or bad.

I guess no one can be an expert at ‘how to cope with human existence’ for another person as you said. We’re all different in myriad of ways and fighting our own various battles.
 
Muddledmuggle

Muddledmuggle

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Joined
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Messages
40
Location
India
Always looking on the bright side is the worst advice any person can get..catharsis is a much better way of dealing with emotional conflicts.
 
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