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I’m alone...

babyblue22

babyblue22

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Jan 23, 2019
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289
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Uk
Lately things have been really hard for me. I thought my self harming days were over, it was 3 years since I last self harmed until last week.
Our firstborn was stillborn at full term 7months ago. I’m just so utterly heartbroken... I have been diagnosed with PTSD as the birth itself was traumatic & had other complications. On top of the depression & anxiety I was already diagnosed with I just feel like I can’t cope until I self harm.
I was told my son had no heartbeat on my own because of COVID & the doctors left the room for me to tell my partner on my own. Every time I self harm I’m back in that room on my own heavily pregnant loosing a lot of blood thinking what’s the best way I should tell my partner his son is dead.
Im waiting for a referral but until then I don’t know if I can keep myself safe. My gp rings me every week to check in & shes put me on diazepam to numb me & propranolol and I’m on fluoxetine. My partner is amazing & trys so hard but I just feel like a burden so I try to hide it. Nobody ever knows what to say because nobody wants to think about an innocent baby dying for no reason but 15 babies die in the UK everyday. My friends, family can’t even speak to me because they don’t know what to say. My mental health support would have been transferred from the midwifes to the health visitor but as I didn’t have a baby at home I was just discharged with no support.
Im just alone...
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Apr 9, 2011
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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
im so beyond sorry for what you have been through
i hope you find some comfort using this forum x lots of love and hugs x Lu x
 
daffy

daffy

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As Lu says theres no words that can express the grief that your feeling. Has your health support told you of any helplines or places that you can go and talk to someone. I dont think this is something that you can deal with on your own. My daughter lost her son and found a group called SANDS and she found it extremely helpful . I dont know where your situated in the country but speak to your health visitor and ask for help as soon as you can. And the covid situation cannot have helped at all when you needed people around you the most. Also have you spoken to a bereavement councellor at all:hug:
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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I'm ever so very sorry for your loss, can your GP refer you for psychological support?
Sending you lots of hugs.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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Jan 23, 2019
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289
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Uk
I have reached out to SANDS, Samaritans etc but they are all just so busy atm it’s hard to get proper support. Unfortunately I don’t have a health visitor as I don’t have a baby so all my care is under the GP, she’s sent out lots of referrals to anyone and everyone she can think (like anxiety support, hallucinations department at the hospital because I can hear him cry, self harm & even some eating disorder places) & everyone has rejected me as it’s to do with baby loss. Luckily the psychiatrist I was under 4 years ago has agreed to see me again at the end of May but I just feel like I’m holding on by a thread & it’s going to break any minute...
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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Uk
That’s so lovely, grief can be such a lonely place to be & my friends & family just don’t know what to say so they say nothing.
I get that people don’t want to talk about things like stillbirth but my heart is so full of pride & love for him.
 
C

celticlass

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May 7, 2011
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1,257
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Scotland
Did the two of you have his name already chosen? I wonder if there is a bereavement organisation in your area that could offer you some support. Here we have Cruse. I don't know if that is a national organisation. I will have a think to see if I can come up with other options xx
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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Jan 23, 2019
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289
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Uk
Yeah we registered him as Jordan. The crisis team in my area put me in touch with local organisations but they are only open Monday - Friday and have a big back log. I am open to any help from anyone! Thank you xx
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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Jan 23, 2019
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Thank you, it was my partners choice but it was the only one we agreed on! Picking boys names is hard. x
 
M

MarcoM

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Apr 2, 2021
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3
Location
Canada
You are struggling right now, this is something that you are facing day by day. You are building your strenght day by day. It was not your fault, be sure about that, simply it was written. Is terrible but some proof are just for the strongest people, and apparently you're. Remember this is a day by day fight, against your own memories. Bereavement is allowed, crying is allowed. This is going to pass, like everything. When it rains, it always stop. We are here for you.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Jan 4, 2013
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England
Hi,
Jordan is such a lovely name, I'm glad your psychiatrist is going to see you again.
Good you have GP support.
Must be ever so hard hearing him cry.
We care here about you.
Lots of hugs
 
Fairy Fountain

Fairy Fountain

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Dec 21, 2020
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577
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The Moon
Hello. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you ever feel alone, you can talk to us on the forum. People here are very helpful. I hope you get the support you need.
 
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