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Husbands drinking

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StoveD3

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Jan 12, 2020
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Hey so just need some advice if I could go about this situation differently...

My husband loves beer and every time he drinks a lot it leads to a fight, often with me being called horrible names and whenever he is mad I am called “controlling”.

recently We found out we are expecting and he had a moment where he said he did not want to drink any longer because it makes him a bad personality . He has depression/bipolar and is medicated for it. I told him I was happy he came to this conclusion on his own and that I think it is important he doesn’t drink (it’s a downer) especially with his mental health. Not even a month later he then decided 1-2 beers for special occasions was ok. I voiced my concern that this would be opening the door and may cause to problems later on. Now he is having 1-2 beers when he goes out to lunch.
Yesterday I expressed my disappointment that he went back on his word and he said “I don’t need my wife controlling me, I already have a mother. I am an adult and can make my own decisions”

I expressed I was upset that he decided no drinking to just occasions and now 1 beer whenever is ok. I said he’s overstepping the original boundaries he made himself and that me making him accountable for hisword and actions does not make me controlling.

many advice on what I can do?
:(
 
daffy

daffy

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Hi there @StoveD3 and welcome to the forum. Would he be prepared to go for help with his drinking because that would be a start. When i married i knew my ex husband was a drinker but wrongly assumed he would stop or at least cut down, but he didnt and even though we had 2 children and the drinking affected their lives he chose to drink over the children I think he needs to be honest with the amount hes drinking and how its affecting you. Tell him seriously do you want your child to be embarrassed to bring there friends home (cos mine were) Plus i dont think drinking on a lunchtime is a good thing.
 
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StoveD3

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Hi there @StoveD3 and welcome to the forum. Would he be prepared to go for help with his drinking because that would be a start. When i married i knew my ex husband was a drinker but wrongly assumed he would stop or at least cut down, but he didnt and even though we had 2 children and the drinking affected their lives he chose to drink over the children I think he needs to be honest with the amount hes drinking and how its affecting you. Tell him seriously do you want your child to be embarrassed to bring there friends home (cos mine were) Plus i dont think drinking on a lunchtime is a good thing.
Thank you for responding. He has talked to a psychiatrist about it. I guess he now sees that since he’s not getting drunk it’s ok... he says he is being responsible. My thing was two months ago he told me he wouldn’t drink anything at all as he realizes the negative effects and now he keeps changing when and how much .. as long as he’s not drunk. I tried to explain I was upset because he essentially did not stick to his word and his response was “it’s my word so I can do that”
Am I the one being unreasonable here?
 
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Lonewolfm

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Jan 12, 2020
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Alcohol can be a bad thing for some people I was raised by a family full of Alcoholics. Alcoholics Anonymous help my grandfather but he had to hit rock bottom before he went. The best you can do is try to convince your husband to seek help before he hits rock bottom.
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

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I am an alcoholic (though dry for 9 years) and I am Bi polar. I know my bi-polar meds would not work effectively if I was drinking even one beer. Alcohol effects the absorbtion rate of ALL pills - hence the warning on most prescription meds.

Its not the quantity of alcohol it is the reliance on alcohol that makes someone an alcoholic.

It sounds to me that your husband is in denial about his reliance on alcohol. Thats where talking to people who have been in his position can be more of a help than you can do on your own.

Linked to AA is a group for friends and family of alcoholics - Al-Anon - you may find a lot of help and support with them.

edit to add - trying to reason with a drinker when they've had a drink is like banging your head against a brick wall. So whilst I think you are being reasonable, I think you have to pick your timing.
 
calypso

calypso

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My husband was an alcoholic and it killed him in the end. I totally understand. Two beers at lunchtime doesn't sound a lot but what else is he drinking? Two beers shouldn't make him behave so differently. I would argue that he is secretly drinking more I suspect. Trying to reason with him when he has had anything to drink isn't going to get you anywhere, wait until he is sober.

I wrote a letter to my husband once, sounds odd when you are living with each other, but he could read it slowly and I could get my thoughts across without the emotions clouding everything. Might be an idea.
 
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