Husband says he is suicidal

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Bewildered6

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Mar 19, 2019
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Really need some advice. My husband has gotten really drunk which is unlike him and has told me that he is going to commit suicide. I would have nearly just considered this is “the drink talking” but he went into way too much detail which showed me he had researched it. He says he knows how he is going to do it, where and has thought about how people will feel after. He says he has even researched if his life insurance will pay out! I’m really scared as by listening to him I don’t think this is a fleeting thought. He is acting completely out of character but in a way the things he is saying I now know he must have felt for a long time and it’s only now he is verbalising it. we have what a consider to be a happy marriage - like everyone there are some issues (the main one being his family- his mother is unwell herself and tends to emotionally rely on him and me a lot - I have young 3 children who are all special needs so feel as if she is making too many demands on us. She is a very dominant figure and the rest of the family tend to pacify her and she expects a lot from my husband- we have issues because I have recently started to make myself more unavailable and less willing to participate in her antics due to my work and children who need me. My husband feels stuck in the middle because he grew up in this environment and has only recently seen how damaging it is- I refuse to let my children be affected by it and try as much as possible to limit their exposure to his mother- however I am v much being treated as the “bad guy” by his family for setting limits and boundaries with his family. He feels stuck in the middle and tonight after yet another row he opened up about how he feels he just wants to please everyone but because he can’t he would be better off dead. I’m now really worried about what to do? He said he would wait until I’m asleep and leave so I’ve locked all the doors and hidden the keys and am sitting up awake beside him. I know when he wakes in the morning he will downplay the whole thing and will get angry if I try to bring it up but I’m so scared to now leave him in case he does something. What will I do? He has been on anti-depressants for about 7 yrs and apart from the family tension I believed he was happy- he is a. Wonderful person and a lot of the issues we have are because he does so much for others that when he is home he is too physically and emotionally exhausted (and short on time ) to help me with the kids and house. I have made a lot of adjustments in the past (work, personal etc) to support him and he says he feels guilty about these and now I don’t want him to feel guiltier if I try to put measures in place to help him - such as a change in my working hrs etc but if I don’t do anything then what if he does something? I’m at complete loss of what to do, he is away to sleep but has said he will wake up feeling guilty for getting drunk and saying stuff (he was quite abusive towards me) and doesn’t want to face tomorrow. I told him that he told me how he felt and he was at rock bottom but I would be there to help him and nothing can’t be fixed and the worst he had to face in the morning was a bad hangover. What do I do when he wakes up? What if he does something silly tomorrow
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your husband is under a lot of stress and pressure, along with depression problems, and it has built up to the point where he sees no good way out. (Don’t blame yourself!)
You should take what he said seriously, and try to talk to him about it. If there a suicide prevention hotline or something similar (I’m in USA) - you can call to get advice even if you’re not the one who is suicidal. They can give you tips on how to proceed.
Good luck. :hug:
 
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philips

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Has he ever had support from a cmht for his depression? If so you could call them to let them know how he's feeling, if he has you'll be able to call them now and be put through to the crisis team. If not how do you think he'd feel about you getting advice from the gp. He wouldn't have to go to the appointment, you could make one for yourself to get advice and support on how to handle the situation. You need to remember that how he's feeling isn't anyone's fault and I think you're right about him downplaying it in the morning but I still think you should encourage him to get some medical support because the situation won't just go away, it could be as simple as Increasing his dosage or switching antidepressant and some cbt.

In the morning if you still feel he might do something in the near future you can take him to A&E, I know it sounds dramatic but from what you've said he is what doctors would consider a high risk since he's clearly put a lot of thought and planning i to it already. Alternatively you could call nhs 111 if he doesn't have a cmht, once they've heard what you've said they may well send a cpn out to assess his risk.
 
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Bewildered6

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I’m in a bad position because he actually works in mental health (as do I) and is head of a mental health team so I know he won’t seek help esp as he would be receiving it from people he knows. The GP could be an option as he is a bit more impartial- I had to force him to go the 1st time.
I’m sitting up beside him now as he is sleeping. He is a great man and I really want to support him but I’m so angry too!!! I feel as if he is always giving so much of himself to others and he comes home depleted and empty to his family. I am pretty independent and strong and just carry on and he says that I don’t need him and would be better off without him. I’ve had to be this way- he has never been available for help and support and dealing with the kids with their special needs nearly broke me but I had no choice but to carry on. I have no problem caring for him and want him to get better but I do have a problem doing it if he continues with his behaviour- he is never at home (always out doing something or helping) and I need support too- he goes and does errands for his mum and others and leaves me to do the stuff in the house- for example he would go and paint and do DIY in their house but when I’d ask him to do something at home it is never done so I end up getting frustrated and doing it myself and resenting him. He has picked up on this and said that I’d be capable of living without him and would be better off. All I want is him to get better and be more emotionally and time available for me and his kids. I really think he needs to put a lot of boundaries in place with his mother (I’ve told him I understand it was the way he was brought up and it’s easy to slip back into roles but that he needs to put boundaries in place and stick to them for his sake and mine). He tends to fall back into the “helper” role with his family and is the person his mum,dad and brother always call when they want something. I’m trying really hard to be understanding and helpful but I’ve 3 young children I need to consider who in the past have been emotionally damaged by his mother (one of them who is 6 and is attended clinical psychology and the psychologist has actually spoken to him about how damaging his mother is not only to him, but also to our child). Tonight was prompted by me putting my foot down and telling him we had to put plans in place to move house in the next few yrs to put physical distance between his family and us (10 miles distance as we live around the corner from them now). I’m not sure if it was this ultimatum from me that prompted his behaviour but I’ve never seen him act in that manner before and actually at one point thought he was going to hit me. I’m not afraid of him and realise that this would have been a result of extreme stress but I am now keen never to be in that position again. In the past I have backed down on boundaries etc “for an easy life” but am not prepared to now for the sake of my children e.g. he would agree if his mum asked for the kids overnight (after previously agreeing with me they wouldn’t be staying) and then tell me he is tired and needs a break so can I not just let them stay for that night. I must clarify that his mother isn’t a physical risk to the children but emotionally she is- for example my autistic daughter - his mum brings her to the graveyard to see her dead parents and my daughter becomes obsessed with dying so that she can see her “granny and grandpa in heaven”. This is just one example of many many and even if we ask her not to do something she will do it anyway and say it was my daughters idea (my daughter is 6!). I’m now stuck in a position that if I don’t make life easy for my husband I will be afraid he will kill himself but I’m not prepared to put my children in damaging positions either- I’m so angry at him too! I feel like I’m being emotionally blackmailed- his mum would do that(say things like “life is not worth living “ if her demands are not met. However I must emphasise that I do believe he feels like this and isn’t using this as a tool like his mum.
 
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Bewildered6

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I’m in a bad position because he actually works in mental health (as do I) and is head of a mental health team so I know he won’t seek help esp as he would be receiving it from people he knows. The GP could be an option as he is a bit more impartial- I had to force him to go the 1st time.
I’m sitting up beside him now as he is sleeping. He is a great man and I really want to support him but I’m so angry too!!! I feel as if he is always giving so much of himself to others and he comes home depleted and empty to his family. I am pretty independent and strong and just carry on and he says that I don’t need him and would be better off without him. I’ve had to be this way- he has never been available for help and support and dealing with the kids with their special needs nearly broke me but I had no choice but to carry on. I have no problem caring for him and want him to get better but I do have a problem doing it if he continues with his behaviour- he is never at home (always out doing something or helping) and I need support too- he goes and does errands for his mum and others and leaves me to do the stuff in the house- for example he would go and paint and do DIY in their house but when I’d ask him to do something at home it is never done so I end up getting frustrated and doing it myself and resenting him. He has picked up on this and said that I’d be capable of living without him and would be better off. All I want is him to get better and be more emotionally and time available for me and his kids. I really think he needs to put a lot of boundaries in place with his mother (I’ve told him I understand it was the way he was brought up and it’s easy to slip back into roles but that he needs to put boundaries in place and stick to them for his sake and mine). He tends to fall back into the “helper” role with his family and is the person his mum,dad and brother always call when they want something. I’m trying really hard to be understanding and helpful but I’ve 3 young children I need to consider who in the past have been emotionally damaged by his mother (one of them who is 6 and is attended clinical psychology and the psychologist has actually spoken to him about how damaging his mother is not only to him, but also to our child). Tonight was prompted by me putting my foot down and telling him we had to put plans in place to move house in the next few yrs to put physical distance between his family and us (10 miles distance as we live around the corner from them now). I’m not sure if it was this ultimatum from me that prompted his behaviour but I’ve never seen him act in that manner before and actually at one point thought he was going to hit me. I’m not afraid of him and realise that this would have been a result of extreme stress but I am now keen never to be in that position again. In the past I have backed down on boundaries etc “for an easy life” but am not prepared to now for the sake of my children. His mum (and him to a certain point)
 
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Bewildered6

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I’ve suggested it many times in the past but he will not go. I had counselling myself last yr because I felt like the same issues were reoccurring and I was at a loss of what to do. I found it helpful and would like to go to couples sessions however if he won’t go I think I might go back- I need to keep myself emotionally strong.
Now he is sleeping (and snoring!) I feel so mad at him- he has yet again dumped issues on me and expects me to fix them (even if I’m this scenario it’s him who is the issue). I’m the one who is (again) up all night with the kids and now watching him! He says he feels like a burden but he acts like one too- I have children to consider in this scenario and now I’m worried he will do something- I think I’m now going to be thinking I can never have a disagreement with him again in case he does something. Although again I must emphasise his distress was real and genuine tonight
 
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philips

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I'd wait and see what he's like when he wakes up and is sober, obviously the way he's treated you tonight is wrong but now that it's all out in the open he might be more open to the idea of going to counseling, it's not like he can pretend everything is fine anymore. What you definitely can't do is brush it under the carpet, although he will probably try.

Are you sure he's still taking the antidepressant? Just because he works in mental health doesn't mean he's got anything to be ashamed of in needing to use mental health services, we're all human after all! Obviously I dont know how senior you both are in the team but would it help to ask to be referred to a different cmht? Although the gp can probably increase his dosage, if you tell them the full story they likely will want to refer him.

Does he know how close you are to breaking point/if you told him do you think he will remember when he wakes up? I think the first thing you need to do is sit down and have an honest chat and I wouldn't worry that telling him how you feel will make him more likely to kill himself, if he's decided to do it he will no matter what anyone says or doesn't say.
 
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philips

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Jun 24, 2018
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Hi Bewildered6, how have things been the last few days? Have you managed to get any external support for both of you?
 
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