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Husband obsessing over my past sexual experiences

T

trishwa

Member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
7
Location
canada
I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 8. we have two children together. Two years, almost three years ago I found out about an affair he was having. That affair also let me be aware that he had also kissed someone else in our marriage. So two women hes been physical with rhst I am aware of. We did do councilling together and I did councilling on my own....

so my new issue is........MY HUSBAND HAS BECOME OBSESSED WITH MY PAST SEXUAL EXPERIENCES. To be specific he has become obsessed with the sizes of the penises I have had sex with in the past. This has been obsessively going on for 4 months. He asks very weird and odd questions. This is the only conversation he really has with ke now. He wants to know how many people I have slepy with, which I had told him when we first met, and i openly tell him now. He does not believe me. He wants to know How long these penises were. He wants to know how thick their penises were. He has taken me into an adult store so I can point out the length and thickness of these penises for him. He asks me if they stretched me open more then he has. He tells me he does not believe me when i describe them. He asks me to show him on my hands the length and thickness. He even analizes my hands while they sre on him and asks questions about my past relationships while we are intimate. He gets angry and sad at my answers. I have answered him fully and honestly and he doesn't believe me. He wants me to take a lie detector test. He says he just wants to be supirior. This is ruining our marriage. 4 months of him bringing up past sexual experiences and penises. I cant take it anymore. I have asked him to go see a therapist as i feel this is now a mental issue on his part. I feel his thoughts are not being handles properly and he needs to fogure it out and stop blaming me. He gets angry and yells at me, calls me a liar. We can not even speak to each other anymore because i dont want to talk about my past from over 10 years ago.


do you think this could possibly be a mental disorder, an insecurity problem or is this a problem i created. What do I do? Or what would you do?
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
2,078
Location
USA
Hi there.

When I was first reading your post I was thinking maybe he gets off on hearing about your past experiences,the sizes,etc.,that maybe it was turning him on.But as I read further and realized he gets angry and yells at you that idea went away.

I wouldn't answer any of his questions,I wouldn't give any descriptions.If he brings it up,walk away,just tell him you're no longer going to discuss it and then leave the room or the house if you have to,don't play into it at all.Stick to it no matter how mad he gets,let it be his issue to deal with and don't take it on as your own.Maybe after awhile of you just completely ignoring it and stiking to the boundary of not discussing it anymore he will either get over it and let it go or seek help.

He has cheated on you before and maybe this is just his way to find some kind of justification for it? Maybe he is currently cheating and this is his way of distracting from it?I don't know if it's any kind of mental disorder unless being a complete assh*le to you is considered a mental disorder.
 
JustMek

JustMek

Member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
17
Location
Spain
Well, I don't know if he has a disorder but he clearly has a problem at it's definitely not your fault. I think he should do councilling alone to deal with it.

And I would stop discussing the topic with him but just to keep you sane. I don't think it will solve the problem alone.
 
T

trishwa

Member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
7
Location
canada
i
Well, I don't know if he has a disorder but he clearly has a problem at it's definitely not your fault. I think he should do councilling alone to deal with it.

And I would stop discussing the topic with him but just to keep you sane. I don't think it will solve the problem alone.

I have tried to not discuss this with him. the more I ignore, the worse he gets. He becomes completely volitile. He calls me a liar, a manipulator, a ****, whore, bitch. He says if im not lying i would have nonissue talking about it. He says this is normal things husbands talk to their wives about. I have left the house. it makes it worse. I have locked myself in rooms and he has picked the locks to ask me questions. He has even gone through my texts, emails and facebook messanger to see if i tell my froends about my past sexual history. I dont know what to do anymore.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
3,205
Location
UK
Trishwa, your husband's behaviour is extremely disturbing - particularly picking locks so you can't retreat from him and his interrogations. I am concerned how this might escalate...

You need to make friends and family aware what is going on - don't keep quiet out of loyalty to him or embarrassment about the subject matter - you need a network of support around you.

Talk to your nearest and dearest and work out a code word you can text if he is cornering you so somebody can come to your aid. Don't think twice about phoning the police if you feel threatened or intimidated.

This is emotional abuse and would be recognised as such by the police or psychiatrists alike.

Honestly? I would discreetly pack and leave - and wouldn't go back until he has sought treatment. This man is very disturbed.

He is playing mind games with you, so PLEASE make sure that everybody knows what is happening and can give you the support you need.

If there's family or good friends that could take you in, I would genuinely leave and make him seek treatment.

Don't be confrontational - when he attacks you like this, be calm and just keep repeating "This isn't normal and you need help." Ultimately, you may need to leave to force him to recognise his problem.

:hug: Stay safe darling. This is NOT your fault or problem. It's his. xxx
 
T

trishwa

Member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
7
Location
canada
Trishwa, your husband's behaviour is extremely disturbing - particularly picking locks so you can't retreat from him and his interrogations. I am concerned how this might escalate...

You need to make friends and family aware what is going on - don't keep quiet out of loyalty to him or embarrassment about the subject matter - you need a network of support around you.

Talk to your nearest and dearest and work out a code word you can text if he is cornering you so somebody can come to your aid. Don't think twice about phoning the police if you feel threatened or intimidated.

This is emotional abuse and would be recognised as such by the police or psychiatrists alike.

Honestly? I would discreetly pack and leave - and wouldn't go back until he has sought treatment. This man is very disturbed.

He is playing mind games with you, so PLEASE make sure that everybody knows what is happening and can give you the support you need.

If there's family or good friends that could take you in, I would genuinely leave and make him seek treatment.

Don't be confrontational - when he attacks you like this, be calm and just keep repeating "This isn't normal and you need help." Ultimately, you may need to leave to force him to recognise his problem.

:hug: Stay safe darling. This is NOT your fault or problem. It's his. xxx
i have left. a few times. once i left to a hotel over night. the second time i left to my parents house for two days. i came back. he continued to ask me about my past sexual experiences from over 10 years ago. he continued to obsessively ask about their penis sizes. kept calling me a liar, and every other name. he says hes doing this because i told him when we were first dating there may have been another person thicker, and then i took it back. I slapped him because he wouldnt leave me alone. he phoned the police and charged me with assult for slapping him on the face. he had the police remove me and my two children from our home. he said it was because he feels i am trying to ruin his life with telling people of his obsessing of my past. i qas gone with my kids for 4 weeks. he did not stop the questioning. i am facing charges and he still is continuing to ask me questions.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Jun 11, 2017
Messages
2,078
Location
USA
The more I read the more it concerns me.

Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship?Whether he's just an assh*le or he is suffering with some type of mental illness it doesn't sound like a good place to be,especially considering he pressed charges against you.

Are you trying to understand what's going on with him in the hopes of getting him help and then everything will be fine?You're willing to continue going through this in the hopes that maybe he can go get on medication,get therapy and change what he's doing?Is it worth it?

Is he worth it,is this marriage worth it?
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
3,205
Location
UK
i have left. a few times. once i left to a hotel over night. the second time i left to my parents house for two days. i came back. he continued to ask me about my past sexual experiences from over 10 years ago. he continued to obsessively ask about their penis sizes. kept calling me a liar, and every other name. he says hes doing this because i told him when we were first dating there may have been another person thicker, and then i took it back. I slapped him because he wouldnt leave me alone. he phoned the police and charged me with assult for slapping him on the face. he had the police remove me and my two children from our home. he said it was because he feels i am trying to ruin his life with telling people of his obsessing of my past. i qas gone with my kids for 4 weeks. he did not stop the questioning. i am facing charges and he still is continuing to ask me questions.
If it were me, I would talk to the Police, LEAVE HIM and get a restraining order in place.

He is goading YOU into violence and if he pushes you further (and this is intentional on his part) you will lose your children.

This isn't about love and loyalty now - it's about self-preservation.

He sounds unbalanced and potentially a threat to your well-being.

You can't live like that - it's not getting better.

Be strong and brave - protect yourself with a police report and restraining order. xx
 
L

linus

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Mar 27, 2019
Messages
497
Location
Eastern Europe
It seems that has a low self-esteem and obsessing on this. This could be a base for a bigger illness. He needs help, therapy and possibly some mood stabilisers.
 
JustMek

JustMek

Member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
17
Location
Spain
He needs help (from a proffesional) and he might be dangerous, the things he does aren't normal and can't be justified.
I know it's hard but I agree with leaving him and protecting yourself (and your children). Telling to your friends and family is the first step, and telling to police the next one.

Be strong and brave
 
J

johnram

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 2, 2018
Messages
250
Sorry to hear its gotten to this stage
As the other posters say - this is his internal issue, and not yours.

Can i recommend you record him and these discussions quietly, so you can have an effective defense should it be needed for whatever comes next with the police or a divorce etc

wishing you well
 
T

trishwa

Member
Joined
Apr 8, 2019
Messages
7
Location
canada
Sorry to hear its gotten to this stage
As the other posters say - this is his internal issue, and not yours.

Can i recommend you record him and these discussions quietly, so you can have an effective defense should it be needed for whatever comes next with the police or a divorce etc

wishing you well
i have tried recording him in the past. I have screen shot his text messages as well. he caught onto me doing this. He deleted all the screenshots, all recordings, even havked my sectet email account and removed the ines i sent to myself. He went as far as at 2am took my phone from under my pillow and deleted things.
 
J

johnram

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Apr 2, 2018
Messages
250
Sorry to hear that....hope you can find a way away
 
JustMek

JustMek

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Apr 8, 2019
Messages
17
Location
Spain
That's a kind of abuse and violence. You should leave him and report to police.
I know it's hard but the facts you tell are quite unsettling :low:
 
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