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Husband is very depressed but won't get help... what can I do?

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Dragonborn

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Jan 20, 2015
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Hi Everyone

This is my first time on a forum and hope you could give me some much needed advice... I believe my husband is severely depressed and I am not sure what I can do.

My hubby has always had minor anger issues, but over the last few months he gets bouts of becoming increasingly angry over (what I consider) nothing. He gets terrible road rage and can blow up at anyone over the smallest thing... we went on holiday recently and he was so angry at this very long unorganised queue to get out of the airport that he started screaming abuse at anyone else in the queue that "looked at him" or thought they were "better than him" and screamed terrible abuse at the airport staff too (I am surprised he wasn't punched by someone or arrested, it was so bad).

I thought things were getting better recently, but last night he came home and was really angry that I had brought some new Tupperware pots that he didn't think we needed and already had too much of, he started screaming and even broke one of them!... he also accused me of trying to control him as I had bought lots of new healthy food and vitamins for us.

Usually I am quite calm and ignore his little rages (BTW he has never put his hands on me)... but we had quite a long discussion about his behaviour last night, he started crying and said he doesn't want to live anymore and feels like a failure and everyone else around us is "doing so much better than him"... we are also trying for a baby at the moment and haven't been successful.

He said I'd be better off without him and said if I just leave him as he will never leave me then he can just kill himself and be done with it. It's so strange to me because I was really happy with our life (aside from all this)... I have a decent job so we don't have any real money worries... but my husband is self employed and is not making as much as he wants to be.

Once he'd calmed down a bit, I suggested we should get him professional help, but that just made him more angry.
I re-suggested it again today and he is still refusing to see anyone and doesn't want to talk about it and just wants to "forget it"".

I really want to be with him, but it's getting hard now and last night has really upset me, I don't know what to do or how to approach him now... and I don't know how serious these suicidal thoughts are... can anyone give any advice?

I really appreciate anything you can offer.

Thank you
 
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Christobel

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Welcome to the forum Dragonborn. It sounds as if you are in a very bad place at the moment. I wouldn't know where to begin with your problem, but there are some very wise and knowledgable people on this forum. Hope they will soon come in to give you some advice.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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Hi Dragonborn

Well done for keeping calm with your husband and also with managing to sit down and have a chat with him - that was a really good thing you did.
It sounds like depression might be what's going on, but obviously we're not professionals and can't diagnose people remotely over the internet!

If he's feeling like a failure - possibly in his work (you say he's self employed), and with regards to you trying for a child, and other stuff as well, then that might be feeding in to his reluctance to go and get help.
Maybe in his head, going to see a counsellor or gp or someone is a further admission of 'failure' - only 'crazy' people do that, or it's not 'manly' enough to admit there's a problem. Perhaps to him, admitting he needs help is a further 'failure' - he can't cope on his own and sort himself out.
If that makes sense.

It's good that he's opened up to you and told you what's going on..... it might take a while before you can persuade him to seek any other help. Other than that, I guess it's a case of patience, and reassurance that he's not a failure, that you're not going anywhere and are going to stick with him (assuming that's the case), and maybe he'll come round of his own accord.

Depression and stress can also alter libido, which can then have a knock on effect with trying for a kid, so that might also be something to bear in mind.
 
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Dragonborn

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Thank you for the welcome :)...

Pepecat, what you say all makes sense about him not wanting to get help... he is quite a traditional man and just wants to provide for me and be the head of the household, he is doing perfectly well in my eyes, but I know he's not happy with his career at the moment and has lost a lot of confidence.

I will try more to reassure him, I think I am guilty of not listening much in the past as I just float about in my happy bubble - I will try harder and hopefully can build his confidence back up.

Thank you for the advice, it's very appreciated :)
 
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Rottinginpain

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Jan 19, 2015
Messages
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Hi, just wanted to say suocidal feelings should always be taken very seriously. It may be a convocation u get back into with him to try see how bad these thoughts are. In sorry your going through such a tough time with this. I hate to say it but is having a baby with this man safe thing to do? Baby's arnt easy to cope with stress wise? I don't mean to sound negative just something that stood out to me as I read your post. Hope things get better for you both soon! X
 
Sparklypurplepaws

Sparklypurplepaws

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Welcome to the forum!
I'm sorry you are going through such a bad time with your husband. I think you really need to get him some professional help, I know how hard this can be though without the anger issues on top! I was married to a depressed man, who tried to take his own life - we unfortunately split up and it's one of my biggest regrets that due to my own mental health I was unable to support him. Since the split we get on much better, and in the past I have called the crisis team for him because I was that worried.
I know we're all focusing on your husband, it must be said that you need to take care of yourself too - once he's on the road to recovery or even now maybe consider some therapy for yourself?
I also wanted to add that depression is an illness, and can happen to anyone however 'good' your life is - it isn't a reflection on you or your relationship x
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I can sympathise with your husband. I have the same angry hot head he does, I take anti depressants but they still dont stop my anger.i get violent urges too and act on them tho :( im glad to hear he's not touched you. I'm waiting for CBT with help for anger. I think its a pride thing, its like admitting you've got a problem. I find it hard to go to the gp too but the longer he leaves it and stores it all up the worse It'll get. I've only reached out for help because I've acted on violent urges :( I hope he doesn't have to go that far :(
 
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Rose19602

Guest
Hey,
:welcome: to the forum.

If you are trying for a baby and he's struggling with work / finances you may have your answer! Especially if he feels like a failure.

Becoming a parent is a huge responsibility and if money's tight and he doesn't feel up to providing for everyone, maybe you need a gentle conversation about just how ready for this he really is. He may be too scared to tell you.

Ask him, before heading out to the GP and see if you can sort it out between you....but go gently.

x
 
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Dragonborn

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Thank you all for your kind advice and sharing, it's very comforting for me as there are not a lot of people in my life I would want to share this with at this stage.

I am going to have another sit down with hubby to discuss... everything... he is very upset and apologetic about yesterday, I think the gentle approach is needed, he is quite delicate at the moment xx
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Hes made the first step acknowledging hes got a problem, good luck! :)
 
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Rose19602

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That sounds like an excellent idea and approach.
Let us know how it goes won't you?
x
 
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Dragonborn

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We had more of a chat last night, not as much as I would have liked but I could sense hubby didn't want to talk too much more and didn't want to push him too far too soon.

But looking positive, he says feels a lot better since talking with me and he got a decent sleep last night for the first time in quite a while and he text me today saying he had eaten two lunches (normally he doesn't eat anything during the day, just dinner).

I know it's too soon to tell but i'm hopeful and will just monitor his progress for now. I think I will leave the baby talk for a bit longer though and let things settle.

Thank you all again, I will keep you updated :)
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Wow what a turn around!! Hopefully he can carry on being open with you :)
 
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Rose19602

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You did really well Dragonborn and I think you read the situation brilliantly.

Keep the pressure off and keep him talking and it should all pour out in time.
I expect that will provide him with enormous relief and might even sort this out without medical intervention.

Good for you. Well done!
x
 
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