• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Husband has depression

H

Hanb77

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Birmingham
Hi all. Hope this is the right place.

tldr: husband is depressed, won’t accept any help and I’m broken by being the support network

I’ve been with my husband for 4 years. And over the years he’s just gone into decline. He’s very negative but has gone into catastrophing everything - the smallest thing turns sounds like a massive disaster and he dumps all his worries and negativity on me.

As his wife I thought I was there to provide support so I haven’t put in the boundaries I realise I should have.

However last week I thought a night playing games and a few drinks would be fun - we both needed a pandemic lockdown break. The evening turned into him drinking fast and heavy and getting very angry about his mother. His mother has terminal cancer but his anger was about his childhood and her as a person rather than the situation. I knew he disliked his father but this was new.
This led to him refusing to get out of bed the next day and having a full on panic attack. (I’ll point out pre Covid and pre his mother’s illness it was becoming common for us to go out and the evening turning into him offloading and moaning the entire time to which we’d discussed.
Thursday he came home from work and was having a melt down because he had decided to quit his job next year. We’d agreed and discussed it. But he was having a panic about if it was the right decision, crying and demanding we go thru the finances. So we did.
The next morning I just started crying and spend the day crying. I’d broken. He came home from work and seeing my distress we talked it thru. He told me he’d arranged to go to a mates for a drink for a boys night as he needed a laugh and once we’d chatted about my distress he asked about dinner because his mate was picking him up at X time. He spent the evening with his mate and wife (wasn’t a boys night) whilst I was home alone still crying.

So the blinkers came off. He’s previously lied to me about boys nights that were not boys nights and oh’s were there. I realised he’s lied to me about other things and it’s eroded the trust. He does things to placate me but doesn’t mean them. So he had counselling last year for his anxiety because I said things needed to change. He’s just admitted he lied in counselling and didn’t open up when asked. He said it was because it was online (everything has a reason why he can’t do something) He been on work courses to help with management and then ignored all the advise and spent 2 years moaning he can’t do his job. He moans his mother doesn’t listen to anything he suggests and I pointed out he is exactly the same.

Anyway I realise now, he’s not ready for help and he’s the only one who can ask for it.
I’ve suffered depression myself but was single so I’ve no idea how to support someone, support someone I’ve lost trust in, someone who doesn’t want help. I understand he’s depressed and anxious but he just doesn’t want help.

I’m broken with it all. He doesn’t consider my feelings at all - and I think it’s hard to understand now if that’s him or the depression. (First week I moved in with him he told me his ex messaged wanting him back and then went on a boys weekend camping - leaving me very confused. Massive red flag, I should have realised then but I’m in this bed now - was he depressed then or just selfish)

I probably sound like the selfish one but thanks for listening x
 
Bipolarbear808

Bipolarbear808

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
216
Location
USA
Sounds like you're in a very lonely place, and I'm really sorry that you're going through this! It sounds like your husband is acting less like a husband and more like a grown child. Have you considered maybe getting some professional help for yourself to help you through these trying times? I don't think you sound selfish at all, it sounds like a very genuine concern. I'm personally not married, so I can't offer you any advice in that department. But, I think you're a smart person and you've probably already figured out a few answers to your problems. I wish you the best of luck!!!
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
840
Location
Southern USA
Honestly he sounds like a jerk.
Take care of you.
Peace, today.
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
461
In order to help someone with depression you have to be in good shape yourself.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
Tambam2021 My husband damage me so bad How do I get me back? Depression Forum 6
T Husband is severely depressed... Depression Forum 5
B My husband let me know that he is unhappy. Depression Forum 7
J Gum pain has been driving me ill Depression Forum 2
MeAndMyDepression Who has concentration/memory problems because of depression? Depression Forum 5
M Girlfriend has depression and has pushed away. Need advice/support Depression Forum 2
J SPRAVATO for Treatment Resistance Depression Has anyone used Spravato? Depression Forum 3
M My dad has now caused me to get anxiety attacks Depression Forum 5
IcyShadow The darkness has returned Depression Forum 5
S My boyfriends depression has become worse and now he’s acting mean? Depression Forum 63
Fairy Lucretia my dog has a poorly tummy Depression Forum 23
S New relationship has pushed me back down again Depression Forum 6
K How to help someone who has tried to commit suicide (two times) Depression Forum 6
M Depression has turned me into a monster Depression Forum 4
J Has my depressed fiancé fallen out of love? Depression Forum 6
wollie At last my pdoc has found a med that works for me Depression Forum 7
Tawny Depression has put it's slippers on Depression Forum 61
B My girlfriend has depression and is pushing me away. Depression Forum 3
R Has anyone ever been on Trintellix? What were your experiences? Depression Forum 2
G Mom has been in a depressive episode for over a month Depression Forum 2
C A single event last week has broken me Depression Forum 9
BLUESTAR009 If a person has one month of chronic depression does that age the face or is that not enough time to do aging damage? Depression Forum 5
S Anti seizure meds for anxiety has someone tried this? Depression Forum 4
AustralianDeb1986 Has anyone been on or know about the birth control implant Nexplanon / Implanon? Depression Forum 3
Y My “friend” has started bullying me and it’s getting worse Depression Forum 36
D My mom has been struggling with manic depression and psychotic episodes for months. Depression Forum 9
D DUNNO IF ANYONE HAS FELT THIS TOO? Depression Forum 2
Y Self confidence has destroyed dating life? Depression Forum 2
M Who has experienced serious withdrawal symptoms and side effects on antidepressants? Depression Forum 20
C Chronic illness has me in a black hole Depression Forum 4
A How has issolation affected your routine and mood Depression Forum 1
A My Girlfriend (23F) has anxiety, depression, and is suicidal. How can I help her? Depression Forum 6
O Life no longer has meaning... Depression Forum 12
T Is this the depression talking or am I onto something? Depression Forum 1
W No job, no joy, nothing. Depression is killing me. Depression Forum 8
L Depression from grief and blame. Depression Forum 4
T Depression from Sleep Disorders/Difficulties Depression Forum 3
M Tired of fighting depression. Depression Forum 5
L Male postpartum depression Depression Forum 1
M Depression due loneliness, anyone else ? Depression Forum 9
U Rapidly developing depression symptoms Depression Forum 2
M Discussing my depression with SO Depression Forum 5
starfoxxy90 Greif and Loss with depression.. Depression Forum 2
S Help! My partners depression effect our family Depression Forum 6
MeAndMyDepression Cognitive distortions and depression Depression Forum 1
D Why do I seemingly not want to get better? Loneliness, failing university, depression, severe anxiety, and not doing anything about it Depression Forum 6
P Numb Emotions and Not Feeling Love Because of Depression Depression Forum 4
MeAndMyDepression Do you know people who are jealous of your depression? Depression Forum 3
anex Depression and other mental health woes Depression Forum 3
J Depression or quiet BPD? Depression Forum 2

Similar threads

Top