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hurting

little rose

little rose

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2017
Messages
95
been crying on and off all day for some reason felt extremely depressed since last night.. im feeling extremely alone and lost and confused i dont feel its fair that i have to keep struggling im getting tired of having to do trauma therapy and having to deal with my mental illness every day and sometimes it just gets to me after so long.. i just feel like today like i dont understand why i am on this planet why i am here why i get this amount of hurt why i cant have friends to see why i never get a break always fighting this and im sick of it.. i dont want to get out of bed anymore i dont have anything to look forward to i feel lost confused and anxious about this life and im tired of having to help myself and dealin with this.. i never wanted childhood neglect and i never wanted chronic trauma in adulthood so i dont understand why i have had to and still am hurting suffering so much at times.. my life makes me upset and so do these feelings and im feelin so sad today and lost like i dont belong like i dont deserve anything like others can be happy and i get mental illness for years and today i just feel like i been grieving and i dont know what im meant to do i dont want to hurt anymore :'( :'( i thought hurting since i was little was enough i dont understand
 
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Bogomil

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Joined
Feb 2, 2018
Messages
484
Hi, little rose. I am very, very sorry for how you feel and for your pain. I know how it feels, I feel the same and I have the same questions... I'd wish to help you somehow, if I could. The least I can do is to read what you write and to sent here a few words to let you know you are not alone and your voice and pain is heard and one is feeling for you. Big hugs :hug1:
 
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ziedite

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2013
Messages
302
Location
UK
Oh poor you... what can we do to help? have you talked to you doctor/therapist about all this? How can we make you feel just a little bit more positive?
 
little rose

little rose

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2017
Messages
95
well i see a therapist and my symotoms come and go so i not always feel like this.
i dont know just felt very bad internally and bad negative thoughts about myself and life and that why is it allways hurt. i do have calmer moments but something triggered me a little yesterday and i just keep getting feelings that i dont deserve anything. i have possible dissociative identiy disorder/ and maybe complex ptsd. it just is too much sometimes. like my different parts of myself sometimest i just feel like im nothing i hate what traumas done to me..
have therapy in the morning and parts of me dont want to keep facin this its too painful this life
and i just feel very weak mentally today and dont want to keep tryin
:(
 
Z

ziedite

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2013
Messages
302
Location
UK
Sometimes it is too much to handle, sometimes it does feel so overwhelming. we know that here. you do deserve contentness and peace, we all do. Sometimes it takes some of us longer to get there.
 
little rose

little rose

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2017
Messages
95
it is and i dont know why i have to face it or handle it nobody should hurt like this
so i dont understand
i dont have anything to look forward to ever and i dont want to face it anymore
i dont see why i should keep tryin
 
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Bogomil

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Feb 2, 2018
Messages
484
I am also with PTSD and DID. I managed to get rid of a lot of DID symptoms after therapy. It was quite hard to reach this point, I understand you when you say it is hard for you now. I wrote this thinking that it will bring you a little hope if you see others were in the same spot and managed to do something.
 
little rose

little rose

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2017
Messages
95
i struggle i dont fully understand all the parts of myself . i even have a part of myself that feels like a abused animal and i find the whole thing of being fragmented of being traumatised and doing therapy and yet still having to deal with this.. yes at times it isnt as bad i do at times have better moments/ days but i tired of dealing with all the horrible stuff and feelings inside myself and my parts that i just dont always understand.
i didnt think it would be this hard i feel useless sometimes
 
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Bogomil

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 2, 2018
Messages
484
This struggle you mention about not fully understand yourself belongs to the symptoms of DID, which is a mechanism of protection you developed following trauma which caused PTSD. I felt exactly the same. I know that you wonder why you have to suffer this, is a very legitimate question to which the answer is that you are not guilty of anything to be punished like this, the guilt is of your oppressor and unfortunately you are suffering, as bad things happens to good people. It is highly unlogical the entire situation, someone abused you because he/she had the power to do so, you being innocent. I am so sorry because of that, I know how it feels ...

The therapy in DID is based on revealing the wounds and triggers from behind, to allow the soul to heal. If you like, it is somehow like treating a flesh wound: some wounds are not to be bandaged, in order to allow them to heal easier. Of course that if the wound is not covered, it will hurt if touched as it is unprotected, but this procedure of keeping it uncovered allows it to heal. I know it sounds unpleasant and I am sorry for that. The good point is that paying the price of feeling the pain in the process of therapy for DID, one will feel better in quite short time. I know when I was told by my psych that it will hurt at the beginning and after that I will be ok and I neither wanted to believe this, nor to suffer again. But it proved there is no other way. Maybe some medicines could be prescribed, but in my case the psych considered them unnecessary. Medicines might help, nonetheless.

Anytime, if you feel the need and you think it might help you, I am here for you to discuss about PTSD and DID. I am not a professional, but if the talking about these helps, I am glad to help anytime. :)
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
2,078
Location
USA
little rose,does your therapist know how much you are struggling?

A short break from trauma therapy may be needed in order for you to become stable again before proceeding further.Trauma therapy is extremely hard and struggling as you are,your therapist may need to space it out and take things slower.

Maybe you should discuss all of this with your therapist tomorrow?
 
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