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Hurting myself up as a coaxing method

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SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
168
Location
USA
Two days ago, I got into an argument with my mother and completely misunderstood her. She knows that I have a mental disorder that could honestly use more explaining, but I'm doing therapy at home. I feel sort of ashamed that I have this mental disorder because of its negative connotations, you know, BPD. I go through terrible episodes of denial and shame because I still haven't come to terms with it. When I find myself in arguments of any kind, I start hating myself for getting in one in the first place. One part of me wants to be perfect and right about everything while the other part wants to suffer and just be alone. When I feel that I've caused a problem I instantly regret it and can't remember why I argued at all? I feel ashamed and then the desire to self-harm comes into play. I harm myself repeatedly in order to snap out of whatever state I'm in. I can't explain this feeling but it's almost my way of knocking sense into myself when I can't get a grip. When all is said and done, I become weary and take long naps afterwards. It probably makes me look stupid and immature but I've been doing this for years and I can't get any relief from it. I know it's not random by any means because I do it to coax the conflict within me but I'm afraid that it'll turn into something worse like damage to me.

Any advice to find relief when I come close to harming myself? Thank you for reading, it's appreciated because this is hard to talk about.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,853
Location
England
I think you are very brave to share this as you mentioned you find talking about this difficult. I knew somebody with BPD who used to beat herself up too. When things become overwhelming you could try a bath, writing down how you feel, posting on here, having a soothing cup of tea, doing grounding exercises. I think it is important to also discuss this with your therapist so they are aware of what is going on.

I am sad you feel ashamed to have bpd. You cannot help having it and it is no reflection on you as a person.
 
AlwaysinCrown

AlwaysinCrown

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Joined
Aug 14, 2020
Messages
1,302
Location
Poland
(TW) I also self charm, especially when my fear triggers, I harm myself. When I can't do this I'm furious. I know it's bad and I make sad my relatives but I don't know how to deal with my fear. I've been on therapy but I think I've been having it too short as I still don't see results.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
19,263
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
i verbally beat myself up a lot as well, bpd is not a easy thing to live with :hug:

the choices i know about are beat myself up verbally or self harms :(

you dont deserve either, you deserve to be kind to yourself :hug:
 
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Prycejosh1987

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
619
Location
UK
One part of me wants to be perfect and right about everything while the other part wants to suffer and just be alone. When I feel that I've caused a problem I instantly regret it and can't remember why I argued at all? I
You do not need to suffer and be alone. Always speak to family about your issues, and exhaust your options. There are many options for you.
 
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SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
168
Location
USA
You do not need to suffer and be alone. Always speak to family about your issues, and exhaust your options. There are many options for you.
I honestly don't know what they are anymore. I can't stand the archaic American healthcare where they'll only cover so much if I decide to seek medical help again. Even though I've been diagnosed, I still haven't been on or have gotten used to any medications yet. On top of that, my therapist doesn't even know what'll be good for me at the moment due to covid-19. She was thinking of putting me in a day program which sounds nice in theory but can't be done right now.

I do feel like an absolute burden for obvious reasons because I'm not fun to deal with when I'm in a momentary freakout. I can see why my family would be at the end of their ropes and it only makes me more disgusted in myself. I try not to isolate myself but that always seems to be where I end up. It's a vicious cycle that I wish would stop.
 
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