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(hurtful) things said when manic...

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keith74

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When my wife is manic, she will some things to me that are hurtful and (seemingly come out of nowhere). She always apologizes for them later when she is back to baseline (at baseline we have an extremely happy relationship)... saying she never meant it and didn't know where it came from.

I've learned now to disregard those comments, to not take it personally.

But I wonder... there must be some truth to it, right? It does not come from nowhere? Maybe there is a little kernel of truth that is suppressed when my wife is at baseline. I'm thinking I should not easily discard those statements like I do. I should take them seriously, even if some of them seem a bit farfetched. I don't mean taking it seriously as getting offended by it - but more realizing that what was said has some underlying root cause that maybe be good to explore further to help our relationship.

What do others think?
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I don't think there is any truth in her criticisms actually. I am surprised i have said that, but when agitated, a person would rant about all sorts, and even if nobody is there to rant at, they may be saying it to themselves. It can be about the weather reporter on telly, the cleaners, car drivers going too fast or slow. When not agitated, these things are probably not even noticed, and if they are, don't even prompt a comment or even a sigh.
 
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Daringdan

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keith,
I think the kind of consideration you have for your wife is a good building block for a relationship even if it is unnecessary as Tawny wrote. Being considerate helps for love to develop. My brothers wife says hurtful things to him but afterward their relationship is better because feelings were aired out. So, she could appreciate that after she has said what she had to say that you are still there like a rock.
 
Zero One

Zero One

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If there is a root cause maybe she would have told you that but sometimes the disorder can cause one to fly off at the handle for reasons that make no sense later.
 
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keith74

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If there is a root cause maybe she would have told you that but sometimes the disorder can cause one to fly off at the handle for reasons that make no sense later.
Interestingly, some of the things she says are things she has said in the past when manic before. Since it came up more than once, there must be some root cause?
 
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Murasakibee

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Interestingly, some of the things she says are things she has said in the past when manic before. Since it came up more than once, there must be some root cause?
Maybe.

Most of the things I have said manic, I didn't mean. I didn't mean that my brother was a self-centered person who hated me...it was much more detailed and...mean than that but I'm giving you the shortened version of what I basically said. I said it a few times while manic. I think I was talking more to myself than my brother

Maybe the same is true with your wife?

Would it hurt to ask her directly and explain you want to help your relationship?
 
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khuang

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I’ve had some really hurtful things said to me by the woman that verbally and emotionally abused me and I have often wondered if she had undiagnosed bipolar depression because of her insanely rapid mood swings. She seemed to go from normal to manic screaming within seconds as if a light switch was flipped and then go to sobbing hard five minutes later. This was a really common occurrence and usually she would be screaming literally in my face about how much she hated me and how I ruined her life and order me to leave the room because she couldn’t stand looking at my face only to call me back into the room while crying hard and hug me and tell me how much she loved me and that she never wanted me to leave her. After the tenth time this happened, I began to question whether or not she actually hated me. It was happening so often that I just felt confused why she would ever say that she hated me if I meant so much to her and that she loved me so much? Any little thing could have set her off from burning popcorn to missing a phone call from her. I honestly hope that she gets the help that she needs and deserves but the main issue is that she refuses to stick to any treatment plan or see a therapist on a regular basis.
 
Zero One

Zero One

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Interestingly, some of the things she says are things she has said in the past when manic before. Since it came up more than once, there must be some root cause?
Or same pattern of thinking, although irrational it may not be random.
 
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keith74

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Or same pattern of thinking, although irrational it may not be random.
The more I dwell on it, the more I think (for the ones that she repeats) is that there is a kernel of truth to it that when on baseline it does not bother her so much but it is still there.

For example, there are 3 things she will repeat with me when manic:
-I cannot sexually satisfy her (when manic she will use exceptionally strong words like calling me "dickless")
-I'm juvenile and she needs a grown man
-she wants to adopt/foster many kids

There are some truths to it.

1 As an older man, my sex drive has gone down and she has expressed concern that I have lost interest in her. She admittedly does feel I don't take it seriously enough sometimes

2 She has sometimes complained that I spend too much time on video games and playing on the computer. It is typically not a major issue but she has mildly ask me to play less

3 Because she is bipolar, we chose long ago it is best to not have kids to reduce stress. I'm fine with it but I know she struggles with it from time to time.

Hence when she is manic, I think she has this anger when she sees me and all those issues come up has major issues that she lashes out with.
 
JessisMe

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I would tend to err on the side of thinking that there is a kernel of truth to what she was ranting about. Manias often compromise your faculties as relates to being able to exercise self control in many areas. I have said hurtful things to family and other people in my life that I have previously chosen to keep to myself when not manic. Though there was truth in these things it was still very hurtful to them. I think it might be helpful to your relationship to take the subject of these outbursts seriously especially since they have some basis in reality. It might help to discuss them sensitively and politely with each other so it does not grow to be a sore spot between you both. I hope this is helpful. xo, j
 
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keith74

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JessisMe - thank you for your insight. I agree with you. There is some truth to it and I'm sure deep down it does bother her. Typically I just ignore it because I've learned to not take things personally when she is manic. But when she is back at baseline, I'm not going to ignore any more. I'm going to revisit her comments with her and discuss them with her.
 
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