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Human Wreck - What the real life really is now?

M

mark2777

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
7
Location
usa
Hey guys,
Recent months showed me how messed up my life is and how little i can do about it. I could write 100 pages about my 26 years of life but I know not everyone wants to read it all. I really beg you people to try to help me understand why my life looks like that. Most importantly what can I do about it, if anything. I want to point my issues and events from life, year after year events, that could cause that.

- I see myself as low inteligent.

- Not doing things that should be done in order for example to avoid further damage ( didnt see dentist for years even though i got pain, didnt get any blood tests, got eye floaters that is not checked up etc )

- now with that pandemic im afraid to call for unemployment

- i got issues in general to call anywhere and get something done, i would rather do everything online but not always its possible. For this reason i have no insurance. I just dont know how to talk to people.

- Difficulties with thinking at all. No thoughts are created in my brain. I cant have conversation even about weather. I struggle so much with talking. Thats the main reason, in my mind, for not having friends, talking to people, achiving anything in life.

- Social phobia. I am afraid of talking to people. I have nothing in my mind to talk about.I dont like when people want to ask me anything. I am scared not to be able to respond.


- Life in virtual reality. Thats the big one. I spend last 10 years in games, on forums talking about not importants stuff and trying to feel good about myself. I would pretend to be someone that I wasn't. I would act like I have something when i didnt have it. Many years were about creating a person that I wasnt in fact. But back then I felt good about it.

- Lack of real family. My parents as far as I remember never lived together. It was never discussed. I never had real conversations with my family. Just simple ones. Nothing. I bounced between my mom, her parents, my dad again. At some point I stopped to care. My feelings were shut down for anyone.

- Not keeping with touch with my family. I didnt talk for years to my father's family and mother's as well. Why do I feel okey with it? I dont know...

- No goals in life at all. All i wish is for everyone to leave me alone. Life could too.

- With my stepfather, I would be afraid to go to the kichen to do something. Like i feel like i have to say something but I know I cant. When I was on diet I would get so pissed I cant go to the kitchen knowign I have to heat up the food while he was there. If I forced myself I would freeze or got this heat coming through my body.
- being afraid in general of everything, always overthinking, even things that i've done in the past still can stress me out.

- there are many other issues. Things mentioned above may not even cover it all.

I would like to try go over last years and tell what happened that could cause how I am today.


Before 2005
I lived in small village with my father's parents and my mom. My dad never lived there with us. He was always around places, different countries. He promised to finish one level in this house so we could live there. This never happened. As far as i remember I was pretty normal there. I was hanging out with people. They visit me, i visit them. We played in the garden, ride on bicycles, played some games. I would go visit my family. I would be happy about it. I was travelling in train for hours to see them on vacation.
After 2005
It was a year where my mom won green card and everything has changed since then. This year my father's mom had accident and couldnt take care of us. For this reason we had to move out to my mother's parents ( the other side of country ) because she had to take chance and go to united states. She was afraid to take us with her because she didn't have anything planned over there. Thats how we lost our green cards. My father lived where my mother's parents lived. Close to the same city. The thing is he was always doing his suspicious business. I had to finish school away from people I grew up with. It was in the middle of semester. And now I also lost my mother by my side.. I remember to this day that she was calling from US and i didnt want to talk to her. I feel now like change started back then and I was backing out from everything. I dont know if this was this year or before 2005 but when I was at my moms parents house dad texted me and asked when he is going to see me. I responded that he would wait as long as I was waiting for him. I remember to this day this very moment. I remember how I didnt want to see him. How they struggled to take me out from the car so I could hang out with him. I simply didnt want to. We had like time scheduled to be together because I think I didnt want to be with him any longer than needed. I also remember that one time I visited a friend in his house. Maybe I was even playing football with people.
Once I finished elementary school which was next to my grandparents house, the next school was too far for me to go to. Thats when me and my brother moved to the father.

2006-2009
This were school years that were so horrible. People in this school were retarded, abusive, not respectful that I remember throwing up before going into this school. I even got some pills from doctor. At one point I found my father as wanted on police website. I also wont forget that. I remember my mother coming back for few weeks and she was sleeping on a couch. My dad in a room, she was in the couch. And nobody explained anything. I think I was explaining it to myself back then. I tried to interpretate what was happening.
It was also a time where i started to play one game. It become my escape from reality along with forums. I started virtual live there not even knowing im escaping something. Thats where I felt safe, important and needed. I had my life online not caring about real one.
Somewhere around that time someone told me that my mom has a new boyfriend or something. She met him in united states. Not sure how I reacted to it. But also she bought an apartment on credit with my dad around this time after crisis happened.

2009-2012
High school years. I was in the best school in a city. Not by a choice. I just followed 3 people that i went to school for last 3 years. I knew i would die without them. I wasnt meant to be in this school. So much to learn, so much stress and I couldnt keep up with that. Horrible experience.
During this years I was asked by school psychologist to invite one firend to my home. After years ( i asked recently who come up with that ) it was my moms idea. It never happened. I didnt let anyone come to my home. I was also send to some meetings with shy people. Well I went maybe twice and never came back. I was also send to school where they help you improve your memory but I also didnt last.

It was also a year where something shady started to happen with my father. My mom was aware of that. Dad was taking money from people, promise to import cars and people never seen money and cars. I think one time dads friend confronted my mom and she wasnt aware of anything. After that while she was in country, when my dad left she locked door and never let him back. I remember it to this day. Tears are coming to my eyes that things like that had to happen in my life. But again it wasnt discussed. It just happened. Nobody asked questions. From this moment my grandparents moved into our apartment and lived with us. I was more into virtual life. I wasnt into any family time, hangouts, trips. I was no to everything even more than ever. I was struggling to pass at school, i hated every minute over there. There were also 3 weeks that my dad was arrested and driven thorough different cities because of court cases. He even cheated on his best friend. He even took money from me and never gave back.

Now, once you pass the school there is a test that you have to take and based on that you go further into another schools. There is a speech that you need to give on selected topic, wiriting an essay and other math tests. That day I didnt even want to go. They called me from school where am I. I went there not prepared at all. I barely said anything. They gave me passing score anyway based on prestigue of this school. Well, I failed on essay and this they couldnt cover up. I got to do it again and somehow I passed.. I was the only one in this school to fail.. it has to mean something.
Also at the end of 2012 we left to United States... after getting green cards..
One month later my dad passed away.. heart attack..


2013
It was a year that I got myself into positive addiction. I started to workout and it become my obsession. I never was into any workouts, especially interval trainings but i really loved it. I was taking some English classes here, then my mom signed me into college but I really didnt want to go. I just hoped for things be okey somehow... I already wasnt thinking about future or anything. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. This year I worked for the first time in my life. It was work from school and as you can imagine i didnt want to. I was freaking out. My mom was forcing me. When I got into this work somehow it was fine. But the whole process to make it happen was horrible. When I heard I would have to pick up phones I spoke to them and said that my English isnt good etc. Somehow I avoided it.
2014

It was sad year. I was in ESL class in January for short semester. Now, there was a girl who seemed to look at me every few minutes. I didnt think of it too much. I didnt talk to her. Deep inside my head I knew this is not for me. But at the last day of the class when we were signing for next one, we signed up for the same class. She said i should sit next to her. I felt that what I just did was wrong. I know my place in this world and i shouldnt even try to get closer with her. Well, me her, one girl and guy even managed to go to the movies. Like my mom and brother couldnt believe that. Movie was Endless Love. I remember how she was sitting next to me and looking at me. We texted a lot with each other. More texting than talking in class. We texted late at night. Right after we got to our homes. But in real life it was different. I couldn't do anything with her, make a joke, ask her to go out and after few weeks it become wierd. Even she said we have nothing to talk about and I started to go crazy. We texted less. I was loosing my mind. Like I wanted more but I knew I can't. I started to follow her. I knew that once this semester is over I may never see her again. It was horrible experience. I think later on she blocked me and by the end of the year unblocked and we talked again. She wanted to hang out but i never made it happen. One thing that I did was when she asked me to bring charger to lab with computers I connected it to the pc and managed to copy all pictures from her phone to usb stick. I dont even know why I did that. One picture had her home address and it turned out that she lives 7 minutes away from me. From that moment, 6 years later whenever I want to go for a walk for some reason I always pass her house. I dont think she lives there anymore ( i saw she has a boyfriend and before she lived there with her auunt ) but it become my routine to just walk by her home. It was also a time that for the first time in my life I had this feeling that I dont know what to do with myself. It was so bad to find a place for me to have a peace in my mind. I cant put it into words how does it feel when you dont know what to do with yourself. So horrible.


If this wasnt bad enough my brother used to abuse me for how i am, for avoiding everything, for being me. He called me human wreck and vegetable. When we were on vacations this year, we stayed at home alone and he tried to abuse me physically and I never got pissed in my life so bad that i texted my mom that im gonna kill him if he does it again. From that moment everything between us was different. Even though we slept in the same room for years, we didnt speak a word to each other. Like a ghosts. 6 years later I still dont trust him and dont consider him my borother. We exchange few words but its not family love. I cant understand why it had to be and still has to be like that.


During this year i had 2 jobs. In one i was fired because in supermarket I didnt want to deal with people where i had to slice the meat. I wanted to put stuff on shelves but it wasnt enough for them.

I was also in liquor store where they fired me after i told them i go for vacation in the busiest period for them. I also felt i dont fit there. I think even owen told me that once before i even mentioned it. It didnt make me feel good at all. I didnt like to talk to customers about alcohol. I always tried to call someone to help.

I continued to workout, it was still my obsession.



2015

It was a year where mom found me another delivery job and as of right now i still work there. I happened to like that job very much. But still I was always backed out. Couldn't make friends with anyone. I knew I couldn't. I always had my space when people talked or joked. I would just listen. Not add anything into conversations. Many people liked me but there was nothing I could to to make some friends.


I continued to workout

2016


Mid of 2016 was a changing period for worse. Again i met someone at work but this was only as a friends. Again i texted with this person a lot and she was happy to have a friend because nowadays its difficult for someone who doesnt want anything more. And I didnt want to. She was so cool and funny that I was scared im gonna fail again. I managed to hangout with her, even tell her about my problems. I think it was first time in my life that i had a drink with a dinner. I never had alcohol before. We went to NBA match, we hangout in shopping malls etc. But when it came down to coming to her birthday or seeing more of her friends i started backing out. It was just too much pressure in my mind. With time she found a boyfriend and she couldnt give me as much time as i needed. This was horrible to wait for text from her for hours. I again didnt know what to do with myself. I felt so bad inside. I felt like im alone again and problem was i didnt want to be alone. I was so bad to the point that i made a decision to see a psychologist. Believe me I didnt care about anything in my life, i didnt ask anyone for help, i always held my feelings and emotions inside but this time i couldnt. I cried a lot, during my meetups with doctor too but after 6 visits this feeling was going away and i stopped coming. I was asking my doctor about stuff i am asking you. She seemed not to know how to help. Thats why i stopped going there and i came back to my world.


After that I stopped working out. I never felt this fire inside of me to do it anymore. I realized how amazing it was to have a friend, how great it would be if i was on the same intelectual level as she was. I started to hate myself.

2017 Life changing year.


This was a year that after reading any of above you wouldnt see that coming. I had a girlfriend. What? Yeah.. thats right. At place where I work there was a girl that wasnt my type at all. She seemed to be crazy, liked parties, going wild but somehow I was into it so much you guys dont even know!

It started when I noticed she was drinking at work. People from the kitchen would give her something. It was first time I bought vodka and asked her if she wants something. We drank in a basements for a while and then she asked me if I want to go the the club with her. I was frozen to death. We exchanged numbers and I went with her. Guys, prior to going out I was so scared I drank all day. I felt more confident while being dizzy. She was alcoholic at the time so she would ask me for a sip. When we got to the club, i was getting shots and then tape was over. I lost touch with reality. I lost my glasses, wallet and hat that night. I woke up with her in a motel. We got back somehow to her house, she ordered me a cab and when i got home i felt so different. I felt like something new is coming, i dont know what is it but i wanted it so bad.

Changing moment for us was when one night she was so drunk with other friends that she didnt know what was happening to her. She was bipolar on her meds and drinking. She was calling me and i run back to the city to find her. Somehow she said name of the hotel and i got there. What i saw was plenty of firefighters and other medical stuff around her. She told me after when she saw me that night it was turning point for her. Like she fell in love with me. She said everyting at the moment went quiet and she saw only me. But it wasnt the end yet. Her mom came to pick her up and when i thought shes safe it turned out she got worse at home. She called me and says shes gonna kill herself. She said she took an overdose and she hopes not to wake up anymore. I was on the phone for so long, i didnt know what to say. Then her mom came to the room and called ambulance. She was screaming. Then she called me at night after she was detoxicated. We talked whole night. The next morning i skipped day at work and went to pick her up at the hospital. And you know what she said? If I have a sip for her. Like it wasnt the first time she ended up like this. For some reason I went with a flow. I wanted to be around her. We even started to stay on the weekends in the hotels. There was something cool about her that i wanted to be with her. I didnt care she had mental issues. She was so smart, so intelligent, funny. I felt so good with her. For the first time I started to have strong feelings to anyone. With time I helped her to stop drinking. Somehow I managed to move her into place where I lived even though it was small and no private room. We lived in living room and everyone was walking through. My stepfather wasnt so happy about it but i guess my mom talked to him. My borther at the time moved to another country. So we had all living room to ourselves. Same year we even went to a vacations and my mom said she wouldnt believe until this happens. And yeah we did go. Like its so difficult to put into words how all this started for us. Looking in the past it is just crazy. From nothing we had something. She accepted me for who I was. Not for nothing we had some fights already.

2018

Around May we got our first apartment and we were so excited for it. I didnt believe this was happening. We loved each other so much that we wanted to do it. But at the same time things did slow down once we were here. I didnt have a reason to go out anymore. I started to become my oldself. ithought everything will be fine without any afford. I was wrong. When we lived with my mom we wanted to be outside so nobody bothered us. Here things got worse. We had many fights, many moments where we thought its over. But we were still together, somehow. My girlfriend was the one holding everything in one peace. I was getting too comfortable by not doing anything. We again went twice for vacations. Also another shorter trips.
You have to undesrtand that she was loving person. She loved her family that I could see it through her actions and words. She was abused as a child. Her grandma rasied her when her mom abused her. Thats why we somehow connected. We both had issues.

2019 Beginning of the end

Around vacation time my girlfriend's grandmother started to have issues with her health. She was the one that raised her and she had so much love for her. She didnt know at the time she will have to take care of her for months. Thats where also religion played bigger role. Her family members are Jehovah Witness and she never believed into that. She was abused because of religion. But at one day it all changed when her grandma had heart attack while being in her arms. She said it was this day when she prayed and she feels like God listened to her. She told me she still loves me but is not in love with me. I did so many things wrong during our relationship that it got to the point she had enough. And i agree with it. Even if it hurts. To this day I have in front of my eyes all messed up things that i did. Every time i said no to something. It hurts so much. I beat myself for it.

In last months I cried so much. I was broken to peaces, i would drink a lot ( im not anymore ), im still depressed, im just a broken human. She was the one I was waiting my whole life for. And just like that its all gone. I couldn't be on higher level to make things greater. I wasnt thinking outside the box.

From having the best human being by my side I was left alone in my apartment. I dont understand any of that. I dont have any energy to be alive. If i had a switch that could turn my life off I would do it. I experienced so much of bad stuff that I dont know when it ends. There is nothing good about my life. I suffer on every step that I make.


Please explain to me what is wrong with me, am I autistic? Do i have a brain damage? What do I do about this life? I am not heading anywhere. If you have any questions please do ask. I have nothing to lose anymore...
Personally I dont believe in any therapy at this point. Maybe meds, yes.
She told me many times that i was different when i was drunk and you know what, I agree with it. I was somehow opened more, I still feel like I am. Alcohol makes me talk more and be more brave but I cant be on it all time. Is there any meds that could solve this problems? To me, the biggest problem in my eyes is not being able to think, talk. I feel like when someone talks to me about anything there is nothing inside my head to respond. Its so sad. I lost so much because of that. Please any feedback appreciated. Any comments why I am living this life. Just anything.
Im in so much emotional pain, i miss so much life that i had with her for 2 years. Its difficult to put it into words how this whole situation put me down. As a human. I dont have anyone that could help me. Could understand me. She has many issues with her family to deal with. She cant deal with what im going throug.
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya and welcome to the forum. I am British and appreciate that I think from what you said, English isn't your first language. I think its brilliant. You say you aren't very bright but I disagree if this is anything to go by. You are articulate and clearly intelligent to me.

I think that a lot of the stuff you had as a child is what is wrong with you. Your parents abandoned you at different times and you were crushed by the adults in your life not explaining anything to you but just doing things for themselves - although that's how it reads to me. I am sorry your father is dead.

You say that you only went to the psychologist 6 times and then stopped. I think that is what you need though. It will be painful and it will be traumatic, but it can help you to understand why you are as you are and maybe learn some techniques to cope better. Defence mechanisms we create as children to cope with life often don't work in adult hood. You have experienced now what life can be like with your girlfriend so perhaps you can find that again. I really, really think therapy is the way to go for you.
 
M

mark2777

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Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
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Location
usa
I happy somehow that you tell me im intelligent but trust me its not a case. There are people who are inteligent and has knowledge. Im lacking both. This what i wrote took me a while to do. To put my thoughts together and i wouldnt be able to say it to another person.

Back then i felt so horrible inside i had to go to psychologist. I saw it as the only way that could help me. I think she even contacted my mom because i included suicidal thoughts when i send something like that to my doctor. I added my mom as emergency contact but didnt think you cant mention this things because they can lock you down. My ex told me that. Also my mom never said anything to me but one time that i broke down i asked if she knew that i ever saw a doctor and she said yes.

Now what can therapy.do. i feel trapped in my body. In my mind. I feel like alcohol can free me but i dont want to poison myself with it. I feel if i was on meds that could have similar effect to being drunk it would be easier for me in life.

As years go by now i start to worry about my future, health, being alone. Its so overwhelming. Simple things are hard to accomplish.
 
M

mark2777

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
7
Location
usa
does anyone have any thoughts
 
M

mark2777

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
7
Location
usa
Any words would be apprechiated
 

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