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Huge phobia of sex scenes/nudity

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Elbeans

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@Asialove09 it's so hard and it's probably why im currently single after years of relationships while feeling this way because these types of scenes seem to be in like *so* many things, that even if my bf has been like, trustworthy and kind, he still wants to watch movies and shows that happen to have sex scenes in, or read books that happen to have (often very badly written and borderline misogynistic) sex scenes, or absorbs any other media that has these heightened sexual scenes and themes usually with female nudity specifically. Then whatever I tell myself I can't bring myself to trust him because my trauma taught me that I can't trust any men to not want to leave me if they see something better. I don't know if this rings true to anyone else in this thread. I've really appreciated finding this though and finally knowing that I'm not alone in this massively complicated and specific phobia. My friends are sympathetic and can see where I'm coming from emotionally, and in a feminist kind of way, but it just doesn't happen to effect them in such a debilitating way as we've described here.

Is anyone else taking meds for it? Im on the snri venlafaxine and it reduced my physical reaction to these kinds of things, like the shaking sweating feeling sick stuff.

I really want to find love though so I'm gonna try this emdr thing i guess!
 
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Asialove09

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@Tef79 sigh, so no amount of therapy will fix this ?

This is tragic because honestly everytime a show comes on and a nude/sex scene comes on I legit have a mini heart attack, my heart starts hearting, I start crying sometimes.
I’ve become super insecure because of this and I wonder if I will have to just be single for the rest of my life because I just can’t keep feeling like this. And it’s useless to get another bf bc I’m sure the next one would get excitement from watching this type of content anyways.
 
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Tef79

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@Asialove09 oh darling, I would not say no amount of therapy will fix it. I wouldn’t say that at all. I have done some therapy. Although not enough, I know that. What I came away with was “why am I trying to make myself be ok with something that I am not ok with?” The physical reaction that I get is just like everyone else has described…heart pounding out of my chest, Adrenalin coursing through my veins, shaking, sweating, overwhelming feeling of fear and panic, and the intense desire to remove myself from everyone immediately. I’ve stayed in bed for days over an exposure that caught me off guard. Clearly this reaction is not normal. I know that. But what I realized is, I am VEHEMENTLY against this type of content. I think it’s damaging to women AND men. It hurts relationships, even if they don’t think it does. Like my husband truly believes he’s not affected by it. Now, maybe he’s not affected by it the same way my ex-husband was in a completely obsessive, addictive, perverted type of way, but I do believe that he is affected by it. So I began to think to myself… Would I be OK if my husband did just a little bit of heroin? I mean I wouldn’t want him to do a lot of heroin, but maybe a little bit of heroin would be OK. Of course the answer would be no! No amount of heroin is good for you. It’s just not. And if I believe that graphic sex and nudity is as damaging as I believe it is and can be, why am I trying to make myself be OK with just a little bit here or there? Maybe some people would disagree with that analogy, but it makes sense to me. I have become a master of finding programming that is good, interesting, engaging, and CLEAN. I have explained to my husband that there is no need for anyone to be naked in a movie EVER, I don’t care what they’re trying to depict, nudity is never necessary. You can tell a story and we can get the idea without anything graphic being shown. And I’ll be honest, my husband has started to come around to agreeing with my reasoning. He doesn’t necessarily agree that it should be 100% off-limits, but he understands what I’m trying to say that it is gratuitous and unnecessary. He does believe that’s true. I honestly thought I would never find anyone who would be willing to put up with this kind of thing. But when you come down to it… It’s just movies. It’s just TV. We can live without them, and there are other things to watch! My husband knows that when we sit down to watch something, I have researched it extensively and if we are watching it, it must be 100% safe. And he has been understanding and supportive, even though he doesn’t necessarily believe it to the extent that I do. All I’m saying is, you don’t have to try to be OK with something thing that you’re not ok with. It’s ok to say “I’m not going to watch this”. You don’t have to do it. Now, I have asked my husband if he would please not watch those things as well, out of respect for me as his wife and he agreed. And I just have to trust him. I understand where you are, but it can be managed. It may never go away, but it can be managed.
 
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Asialove09

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@Tef79 my bf has been doing a lot better.. usually if a sex scene comes on unexpectedly he will fast forward or he will sit there scrolling through hundreds of movies to find a non nudity/movie…… most days… but then there are some days when he’s like let’s watch a movie, ( a movie he has already seen, which I’m sure he remembers has nudity/sex) then I research it and immediately say nope. I think he is either obsessed with nudity/sex movies and shows or he is trying to test my limits which again goes back to him feeling the need to watch it. Like u said, it’s just a movie, we can live without it… I really wish he doesn’t watch these things behind my back, but I’m sure he does and I cannot change a 35 year old man who has been conditioned his whole life to chase sex. So idk I’m kinda upset thinking about it, because it’s like damn if he’s doing it behind my back then he is definitely lusting. And it makes me mad bc I believe sex should be between two people. The whole world does not have to see a whole bunch of titties in every movie. Like there’s literally porno for that.. if I wanted to watch other people have sex there is porno… sooo why does it even have to be in movies and shows.? It doesn’t make the movie better.

Also, I told my bf I will never be ok with it. So he either needs to leave me and find somebody else who is ok with him watching naked women.. cause it will not ever be me. I guess I’m “insecure” or not. Idc.
If he breaks up with me bc I say NO to movies then I feel like it’s just the same as him breaking up with me bc I don’t have huge boobs. Clearly the wrong guy.
And I promise if I ever become single, the interview questions for future potential bfs would be “do u watch these types of movies” bc my standards of a man has to not want to list over no other woman’s body but mine. (Wishful thinking, maybe not)
 
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Tef79

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@Asialove09 I agree with everything you’re saying 100%. I have been dealing with this for over 2 decades and still struggle A LOT, but let me give you a few things that I have come to realize that my husband (and other men at times) have told me, that my counselor told me, who was a man, and some of my closest friends have told me. First let me start by saying, as I said before, I am not OK with any little bit of nudity, even a butt, even if it’s non-sexual, I don’t care what it is, it’s unnecessary. Out of respect for my husband, because I have asked him to not watch these things even without me, I have told him I will do the same. If I research a movie and it shows a man’s butt, even if the rest of the movie is completely clean, I will tell him no. And he will say to me “I don’t even care, so what if there’s a man’s butt“ and I say to him “ It’s a respect issue, and I have asked you to uphold that standard and even though you don’t care, I do, and out of respect for you as my husband and the fact that we have an agreement about this, I’m not gonna watch a movie with any nudity in it, even if it doesn’t bother you“. But let me get back to what I was going to tell you about what people have told me, if you’re anything like me, and it sounds like you are, you have a computer for a brain when it comes to this kind of thing. I have so much storage in my brain of every movie that I know of that has nudity or any kind of sex scene in it that I can literally tell you if it’s a good movie or a bad movie without looking. Once I’ve looked it up, it’s like it gets filed in this database in my brain and I will remember forever that that movie is off-limits. Because I research everything before I watch it, once I read that there’s nudity or graphic sex scene or anything like that, it goes in the “ do not watch“ file and I’ll remember forever. But, what I have been told by numerous people, and people who I don’t think would lie to me is that yes… Men lust at a naked woman. Any man that says that they don’t is lying, including my husband, God love him. But he tells me that nudity “does nothing“ for him in movies and I say “honey I love you, but I don’t buy that for one second“ but what he has told me, and what my male counselor has told me, and what many others have told me is that they don’t necessarily remember it long-term like we do. And here’s why… We are actually scarred by those images. It damages us, it hurts us to our core and so we don’t forget them. But they’re not doing that to our husbands, boyfriends, whoever. If your boyfriend is not a sex addict, like my ex-husband was, it is likely that when he sees a sex scene, yes he will lust, but it will pretty much leave his brain in a relatively short period of time. However for you, it will stay in your brain forever and ever. And when you said that your boyfriend will suggest a movie that he has seen in the past and you look it up and it has nudity in it, your first thought is “he must remember the nudity in it and that’s why he wants to see it“, and that is exactly what I used to think as well. Until I realized my husband couldn’t remember any of that. Knowing how sensitive I am to this type of thing, my husband would NEVER recommend us watching something that he knew would be upsetting to me. However, on numerous occasions, he has said “let’s watch such and such, or let’s watch such and such“ and I’ll say well hang on let me look it up and he’ll say “it’s fine there’s nothing in that“ and then I’ll come back and say “what are you talking about there’s nothing in it? There’s this and there’s that and there’s this and there’s that“ and he’ll say “I don’t even remember that… I don’t remember any of that“ and then we’ll pick some thing else. And I can’t tell you how many times that’s happened and he has literally been baffled. Because he says “I don’t remember those things, I’d never suggest a movie that would be setting to you, but I don’t remember“ and I started to realize… They probably DON’T remember. It’s a brief moment where they probably do lust and then they move on, but that doesn’t mean I can handle it. Not at all. Because I can’t. What I’m saying is my husband at one point said “you must think that men remember every single boob that they see or every single scene that they see, and maybe some men do, but I’m speaking for myself and probably the majority of men, we don’t“ and as much as I wanted to argue and dig my heels in, I have heard that from numerous men who say the same thing. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna be OK with it, I will never be OK with it, and we will never watch things like that, but I found myself getting so anxious about movies that he had seen 5 or 10 years ago, because I knows there’s stuff in it, but he has no recollection of it. So remember that the next time your boyfriend suggests a movie and you find out there’s something in it, he probably has no idea that it’s in there anymore.
 
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Asialove09

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@Tef79 yea word for word the same thing has happened when I googled a movie and I said exactly that.
I guess it’s just kind boggling that every movie chosen does have nudity/sex in it. Regardless of if he remembers them being there. I think he hasn’t mentioned one movie that DIDNT have any in it. So I’m guessing that’s just how he was raised/conditioned.

But yep you’re right, my mind is a computer and it’s running 24/7 over analyzing everything.
It feels like a self sabotaging act more than anything at this point in my life. my man does everything else but it’s just this one thing that irkes my nerves, he tries… but I just wish we didn’t have to deal with it at all.

Im on the same page as you, I will never be ok with it… I try my hardest to be ok with it if it randomly comes on. But I will never watch something that makes me feel so bad within myself.

Hopefully something happens and somehow we all one day wake up without this phobia or “insecurity”
 
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Tef79

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@Asialove09 I told my hubby that if I could remove the part of my brain that reacted this way, I would’ve done it by now. But I agree with what you said earlier…if he can’t put you and your feelings above a movie or a tv show, then maybe he’s not the right guy. We’re not just talking about this irks you…it destroys you. My husband didn’t understand the gravity of how I felt until something unexpected came on one time and he got to see first hand how I spiraled down over it. It’s not pretty. He said after that, “there’s no movie or tv worth it to me, it’s not that important”. Your boyfriend sounds like a decent guy, like my husband. But our society has desensitized men (and women) to sex and nudity to such a degree that they don’t even think twice about it. And that’s how I explained it to my husband: you are desensitized, you think nothing of it. It’s everywhere you look, on billboards, tv, movies, music, commercials, magazines, EVERYWHERE. But I am not desensitized so I see it for what it is. Your boyfriend is living in the same world we are, it’s been shoved in his face his whole life. No wonder he thinks we’re weird. But like you said, if I wanted to see that stuff, there’s porn to watch. If I want to sit and watch a movie, I shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of stuff. Keep working on it, it sounds like you are trying and your boyfriend is, too.
 
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Asialove09

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@Tef79 even though it seems like we are “trying” it does not make me feel less insecure…. Today we were watching a movie that we randomly scrolled to… then out of no where…. TiTties in my face….. I automatically shut down.. walk out the room and went to shower.. like how do u deal with a random nude scene 😭

It’s to the point where honestly is the relationship even worth it…. To have to fear this everytime my bf puts on any movie… maybe being single would really just be better for both of us. He can find somebody who is ok with watching these things with him and I can just not have to deal with the anxiety that I feel in my chest.
Or just not watch anything ever again.


It’s like no matter how many nude scenes I sit through…. I still cannot get this feeling out of my system.
People say just sit through it and u will realize you are alright and that’s how u accept it. But no this feeling never leaves and then it lingers for hours to a few days.
 
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Asialove09

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@Ems23 hey love!
I just came across your post and word for word I feel u!
I literally just posted on another forum that it’s to the point where me and my bf are better apart. He can go be with somebody who is ok with watching nudity/sex.. and I’ll just be single and not have to worry about none of this. Feeling not good enough, feeling like my man is lusting over a naked woman, feeling this anxiety,
Honestly I feel horrible. Even if it’s by accident I see a TiTtie in a movie I’m watching, I immediately shut down… smh this feeling is horrible
 
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Tef79

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@Asialove09 I’ve been there. Many times. Too many times. And I know EXACTLY how you feel. And no…watching it to see if you get better WILL NOT help. That’s like telling a rape victim to just let herself be raped over and over until it doesn’t bother her anymore. No one would ever suggest that. So my question is…how did your boyfriend respond when you got up and were upset?

And quick piece of advice: don’t let yourself get caught off guard like that. It’s not worth it. You know that. I absolutely refuse to watch anything until I’ve looked it up first. We do no random scrolling. Everything is predetermined beforehand. My husband sometimes wants to scroll and I’ll tell you, the anxiety is overwhelming, not knowing what he’ll stop on. So if he gets the remote, it’s only things like HGTV of ESPN or something. No movies or shows that I haven’t had a chance to look up. He said he wants me to learn to trust him with the remote…he wants me to know he wouldn’t put something on that I wouldn’t like. But I told him I’m not there yet, and he admittedly doesn’t remember what’s in movies so it’s too risky. So it’s just very very safe stuff ALL the time.
 
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Asialove09

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@Tef79 yea I see now, we can’t do any random scrolling now. Especially on movie channels. When we watch shows on the tv channels, my anxiety is way better. Like shark tank, the first 48, certain tv shows.

But all of this including being cheated on in the past has caused my insecurities to be so bad that even tv shows make me feel uneasy. Like even if I see a girl in a show whose not naked but has on a low cut shirt, I get upset as well.
So I know for sure it’s a lot to do with my lack of self love and confidence and me disliking my body. So I always compare myself and feel like crap when I see somebody who has a better body than me or who I perceive to look better than me. In real life like at the store, and on television. So I deal with a lot, it’s very overwhelming. And I’m literally almost 30. It’s so embarrassing. Because as a teenager and early 20’s i never cared about my body. Never disliked it how I do now. I felt more confident back then..
so now I’m starting to question whether or not I’m just with the wrong person. Because I’ve been in other relationships I’ve never had this problem before because I don’t ever remember watching movies with sex and nudity with my exes. Unless I did watch it with them before and I just was more confident with myself. Idk but with my current bf before I moved in with him we would watch movies with nudity… the second I moved in, I realized that every movie he put on had sex/nudity in it… like i think he started this phobia of mine. So idk what to really do.
I explained to him how I felt, and he tries to find non sexualized content… when I walk out of the room, he usually turns the channel.. so i know he’s trying, but man he’s 35, I feel so immature telling him he can’t watch grown people shows . Smh
Nobody really understands it, even my mom says she and her husband watch game of thrones and other r rated stuff..
so I just feel like something’s wrong with me, that I can’t even fix. And that’s what’s sucks.
 
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Tef79

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@Asialove09 every single thing you say, I have felt. Even about the tv shows with no actual nudity, but maybe there’s a beach scene or somebody’s just wearing a tight dress or something. I get the panic feeling. It’s not AS strong as if it’s a sex scene, but it definitely shows up. I also can relate to feeling dumb, immature, and how do you tell a grown man that he’s forbidden to watch certain things? I get it. I waited about 3 months before I told my husband about this issue when we started dating. I didn’t want him to think I was psychotic.

It’s interesting to me that you used to be ok with it, while you were still with your current boyfriend. So it sounds like something changed somewhere along the line. So again my question, what did your boyfriend do when you got upset about the nudity lastnight?

Also, my best friend doesn’t care AT ALL about sex or nudity. Not even a little bit and she’ll watch anything with her husband and it doesn’t bother her at all. They watched GOT not too long ago and she loved it. She knows how I feel but says it just doesn’t bother her. In fact she said her husband is the only person she feels comfortable watching that kind of stuff with. As in, she would feel weird watching sex scenes and nudity with friends. And I’m completely baffled by that. But we have trauma associated with it. That’s why.

I wish I knew of a cure, cuz I would do it myself. The best thing I have found is to avoid it completely. I know that’s not ideal and if someone else has better advice and it works for you, by all means, take it. But I personally haven’t found anything else to work. The only thing that has worked for me is research everything beforehand, and completely avoid being triggered. And honestly, for me, I’ll do that the rest of my life if I have to to keep from feeling the way that I feel during a movie. It’s that awful. Not watching the most popular movie or tv show is a small price to pay for my mental health. But I know it’s not what you want to hear ❤️
 
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Asialove09

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@Tef79 so last night a movie came on a Denzel Washington movie….. a random sex scene with titties out during a gun raid…. 😒 (no point for this scene at all) anyways it happened….. he continued watching… then after a few minutes, I got up and left out the room… then he turned the show… after I walked out…. Not after or during the sex scene. Sometimes he will fast forward but since it was live tv he couldn’t fast forward. But I’m sure he already knew the scene was coming. (He’s a movie head, he remembers lines from movies from 1930’s) lol so I’m at a loss. Idk if he does stuff on purpose bc hes 35. And he only been in 2 serious relationships. Mine and his ex from like 2010… so from 2014-2020 he’s been single and probably a sex addict like most single men. He doesn’t see anything wrong with the R rated movies he claims it doesn’t turn him on, blah blah blah. But if it doesn’t do anything and it doesn’t turn him on…. What is even the point in watching it. If something is useless to me, im not gonna watch it or do it..
so if it doesn’t do anything for these men, what’s even the point ?
 
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Asialove09

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@Tef79 today I told him I am going to find a marathon of movies with naked men in there and make him watch it to show him how annoying and uncomfortable and upsetting it is.
 

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