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New member
Jan 4, 2010
Hi all,
I joined up here 'cause I figure I had better chat to someone about my Dad and I'm overseas with work so have no frineds/family around.
Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
Here's my situation. My mother left my Dad 20yrs ago and since then I have provided more emotional and financial support to him. She left for another man and I felt sorry for him and a bit peeved with her.
He has always been very conservative and confrontational, also depressive and recently diagnosed with Bi-polar. He has alienated himself from all friends and family including my siblings and his siblings. I have stood by him and defended him for close to 20 years. He is in his sixties and is becoming quite extreme in his views especially toward women.
Two days ago while chatting to my mother she told me he used to rape her on a regular basis. She has never told anyone else.
This news has thrown me completely. I had pictured him as a man of very high morals etc and now I am in a situation where I feel extremely angry, cheated, gulity , and not sure what to do next. My reaction has been to do nothing while I think this through.
One element to the situation is that I am pretty much the only person he has real contact (email, phone) with and I think that if I just pull out of the relationship it will cause big problems for someone somehwere in the community....ie I am not sure he won't lose it completely and hurt someone.
At the same time I can't just ignore this information.
Supporting him has taken its toll on me in that I am a much more serious person than I used to be and generally see life as a lot less nice place than I used to so i sortof feel like I need to break free from him and this is confirmation of that for me.
No idea what to do. Your thoughts?
Black eyed Pea.


Jan 4, 2010
Hi Blackeyedpea,

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you had to go through all of that drama with your parents. You sound like a very kind and supportive individual and I know that it must not seem fair for you to have to deal with that.

I see a lot of myself in how you respond to situations. I tend to personalize other peoples problems as well. It's difficult to remember that those things happened to someone else when it is someone that you care about.

There is nothing wrong with being supportive as long as you don't do it to your detriment. Don't be afraid to get some space and take a breather. You didn't go into detail about how much financial help you are giving him but if you are his sole support then it sounds like you might have become a crutch for him. If that is the case then perhaps a breather is best for him too as it will force him to re-learn some independence.

As for the rape issue that's a toughy. Marriage relationships complicate things considerably here. Many people begin to take their partner for granted over the years and sex becomes more of a chore and an expectation than an expression of love or pleasure. Rather than judge your parents I would suggest trying to understand their how they each must have felt.

Rape has become a loaded word over the years. I do not discount that he may have raped her or that she may have felt that she was being raped I merely suggest caution in jumping to conclusions. There are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth.
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