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How to tell family...?

S

Spirit

Guest
How does one go about telling family this sort of thing? I can't imagine turning to my husband and saying 'Oh, by the way, Hunny, I'm hearing voices in my head and they're saying bad things.' The only person I've confided in, aside from you kind folks here, is urging me to tell him and I know I should. My husband is the wonderful supportive type who knows a good bit about my past, more about me than most people do but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I know he'll always love me and be there for me and do what he can to see I get the help I need but... I'm not sure if it's me of 'them' but I can't tell him. Things in me are saying very negative things at the idea, I think it might be my insecurities but at this point I can't tell, my version of reality is so unreliable right now. :(

I almost told my room mate today, I pretended I was working on a new story idea (proud novelist in progress) and was doing some research (hence why I was in the mental health section at the bookstore) and asked her how she would react if someone close to her told her that they were hearing voices of the not so nice sort. The reaction wasn't what I was hoping for.

Can someone please tell me what it was like for them to tell their loved ones? How they reacted? The good, the bad, and the ugly? Don't candy coat their bad reactions if you got some, I really just need a dose of reality right now so I can talk myself into this and feel like I have some semblance of solid ground beneath my feet.
 
R

rabina

Guest
How does one go about telling family this sort of thing? I can't imagine turning to my husband and saying 'Oh, by the way, Hunny, I'm hearing voices in my head and they're saying bad things.' The only person I've confided in, aside from you kind folks here, is urging me to tell him and I know I should. My husband is the wonderful supportive type who knows a good bit about my past, more about me than most people do but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I know he'll always love me and be there for me and do what he can to see I get the help I need but... I'm not sure if it's me of 'them' but I can't tell him. Things in me are saying very negative things at the idea, I think it might be my insecurities but at this point I can't tell, my version of reality is so unreliable right now. :(

I almost told my room mate today, I pretended I was working on a new story idea (proud novelist in progress) and was doing some research (hence why I was in the mental health section at the bookstore) and asked her how she would react if someone close to her told her that they were hearing voices of the not so nice sort. The reaction wasn't what I was hoping for.

Can someone please tell me what it was like for them to tell their loved ones? How they reacted? The good, the bad, and the ugly? Don't candy coat their bad reactions if you got some, I really just need a dose of reality right now so I can talk myself into this and feel like I have some semblance of solid ground beneath my feet.


Hi Spirit,

It sounds to me like you have some pretty good solid ground beneath your feet and I think that in itself says your insecurities really aren't all that bad.

I definitely believe you should sit down with your husband and tell him all since he is supportive in every way; what do you have to lose?

You sound like a really smart person who will find the right words at the right time to discuss this with your husband.
You're very lucky to have such a supportive husband; keep that up front in your mind.

Together, you will come up with the right answers as to the next step you may want to take.
I really wouldn't want to speculate about reactions; they could range from confusion, worry and lots of questions so prepare for this.

Please come back and tell us how it all went and don't hesitate to ask any other questions.

Good Luck and Don't worry about your husband.
rabina
 
parker

parker

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 15, 2009
Messages
278
Location
Oregon
Can someone please tell me what it was like for them to tell their loved ones? How they reacted? The good, the bad, and the ugly? Don't candy coat their bad reactions if you got some, I really just need a dose of reality right now so I can talk myself into this and feel like I have some semblance of solid ground beneath my feet.
My wife seen it happen so there was no big shock, plus we've always comunicated pretty well though.

My parents i brought it up to see if there was any of this in the family tree somewhere. You could just see it in them that they didn't want any part of it, they just wanted to get the hell away from me:( So i have never brought it up around them again, and everything is back to normal know:rolleyes:
 
P

pinkmetalgirl

Active member
Joined
Jan 7, 2010
Messages
38
Location
London, UK
Hi Spirit (and Rabina & Parker)

This is my first post on the forum, but thought it might be helpful if I share some of my experiences of telling people about the voices (and the rest of the things I experience - visions, overwhelming beliefs/psychosis/paranoia etc)

One thing I've learnt is that, when I'm vulnerable it really pays to choose who I tell very carefully. People who are generally supportive, open-minded and like me for me (or at least I think they like me for me) are a much safer bet than people who seem to be judgemental and/or no good at putting themselves in other people's shoes. When i'm in a good place I feel much more happy telling anyone I want (as their reaction matters less to me and I'm cool with who I am), but a bad reaction really does knock me when I'm down.

For those people you'd like to know (say your husband, perhaps), it can be really helpful to think about how you tell them. As general awareness around voices is pretty appalling, it's natural for them to be a bit freaked out/anxious or not get it. It's helpful for them to have some info about it (sensible info, like the stuff on the INTERVOICE website) that they can read to reassure themselves that it's really very common and that it IS copeable with. Knowing what it is and what it isn't (ie the myths and facts) is a really good starting point. In the past I've printed things out, or given people one of the UK's HVN booklets to read.

Remember you can choose how much to tell them about the voices themselves - it's ok for you to tell them everything you hear, or just the bits you feel safe with sharing (or even to say that it doesn't help you to talk about the specifics, but that in general they're x, y or z). It's your experience and even though it can be fantastic to open up and let people in on it, i've found that it's really important not to feel pressured to do so.

They might have loads of questions or they might need some time to digest (in which case, point them in the direction of the INTERVOICE website so they can read around it). It's possible that they'll be freaked out and not want to talk about it at all (in which case all you can do is give them some time, some resources and look after the effect on you - as it doesn't feel at all good when this happens).

It can also help to let them know what you want from them and/or why you're telling them. For me, this has been telling them that I want them to understand more about what I'm experiencing so I can be open and honest with them about how I'm doing. That these experiences are part of me and that, although I don't to feel like he needs to fix/heal me - I do want his support in finding ways of living with them. It has also helped people, I think, to know a few of the ways I cope/deal with the voices too (and to have some positive stories of people who've found ways of living with them, especially if I was very overwhelmed at the time and didn't feel I could cope)

I had more negative responses in the early days, partly because I felt that I couldn't cope with the voices and I think that's how I put it across to others. Since I realised that so many other people experience it and have made sense of mine, its gotten easier mostly. People are often curious (hence the importance of only sharing the bits you feel comfortable with) and more than a few have told me that they've experienced voices/visions/unusual states in the past too (but have avoided the psychiatric system).

Bad reactions have included comments about voices & violence (axes and the like), assuming I should be sectioned and asking if the voices tell me to kill people. These have all been based on the lousy media image of someone who hears voices and the fear/anxiety people feel around something they don't understand. Hence the importance of the info to demystify and educate people.

One thing that is really important - if you do decide to tell your hubbie remember that the voices might not like it. Obviously everyone's voices are different, but mine used to get lots worse when I spoke about them (and when I first attended a group). For me I think it's about feeling vulnerable. With hindsight, I'd have ideally put a plan in place to help me deal with this if it happened. This would have included strategies that make me feel safer and more in control.

I hope this has helped a little - good luck in speaking to your husband (if you decide to). As has already been mentioned, if you want to plan what to say or what info to give him on here - please do.

x Rai :)
 
T

terri

Guest
Hi Spirit (and Rabina & Parker)

This is my first post on the forum, but thought it might be helpful if I share some of my experiences of telling people about the voices (and the rest of the things I experience - visions, overwhelming beliefs/psychosis/paranoia etc)

One thing I've learnt is that, when I'm vulnerable it really pays to choose who I tell very carefully. People who are generally supportive, open-minded and like me for me (or at least I think they like me for me) are a much safer bet than people who seem to be judgemental and/or no good at putting themselves in other people's shoes. When i'm in a good place I feel much more happy telling anyone I want (as their reaction matters less to me and I'm cool with who I am), but a bad reaction really does knock me when I'm down.

For those people you'd like to know (say your husband, perhaps), it can be really helpful to think about how you tell them. As general awareness around voices is pretty appalling, it's natural for them to be a bit freaked out/anxious or not get it. It's helpful for them to have some info about it (sensible info, like the stuff on the INTERVOICE website) that they can read to reassure themselves that it's really very common and that it IS copeable with. Knowing what it is and what it isn't (ie the myths and facts) is a really good starting point. In the past I've printed things out, or given people one of the UK's HVN booklets to read.

Remember you can choose how much to tell them about the voices themselves - it's ok for you to tell them everything you hear, or just the bits you feel safe with sharing (or even to say that it doesn't help you to talk about the specifics, but that in general they're x, y or z). It's your experience and even though it can be fantastic to open up and let people in on it, i've found that it's really important not to feel pressured to do so.

They might have loads of questions or they might need some time to digest (in which case, point them in the direction of the INTERVOICE website so they can read around it). It's possible that they'll be freaked out and not want to talk about it at all (in which case all you can do is give them some time, some resources and look after the effect on you - as it doesn't feel at all good when this happens).

It can also help to let them know what you want from them and/or why you're telling them. For me, this has been telling them that I want them to understand more about what I'm experiencing so I can be open and honest with them about how I'm doing. That these experiences are part of me and that, although I don't to feel like he needs to fix/heal me - I do want his support in finding ways of living with them. It has also helped people, I think, to know a few of the ways I cope/deal with the voices too (and to have some positive stories of people who've found ways of living with them, especially if I was very overwhelmed at the time and didn't feel I could cope)

I had more negative responses in the early days, partly because I felt that I couldn't cope with the voices and I think that's how I put it across to others. Since I realised that so many other people experience it and have made sense of mine, its gotten easier mostly. People are often curious (hence the importance of only sharing the bits you feel comfortable with) and more than a few have told me that they've experienced voices/visions/unusual states in the past too (but have avoided the psychiatric system).

Bad reactions have included comments about voices & violence (axes and the like), assuming I should be sectioned and asking if the voices tell me to kill people. These have all been based on the lousy media image of someone who hears voices and the fear/anxiety people feel around something they don't understand. Hence the importance of the info to demystify and educate people.

One thing that is really important - if you do decide to tell your hubbie remember that the voices might not like it. Obviously everyone's voices are different, but mine used to get lots worse when I spoke about them (and when I first attended a group). For me I think it's about feeling vulnerable. With hindsight, I'd have ideally put a plan in place to help me deal with this if it happened. This would have included strategies that make me feel safer and more in control.

I hope this has helped a little - good luck in speaking to your husband (if you decide to). As has already been mentioned, if you want to plan what to say or what info to give him on here - please do.

x Rai :)
What an excellent answer Rai, so pleased you have joined us, God bless,

ticketybooland, nudge nudge win win, for Cal and myself xxx Goodnight my first Angels here on Earth
 
S

Spirit

Guest
*waves to all the peoples I'm just now meeting on here*

Rabina:

Thanks but I don't really feel like I'm on such solid ground, everything about this feels so new even though it's been going on for a long time.

It's,... well, it's not that I have anything to lose but I have this thing about telling certain things to people who are close to me. I could shout to the world that I think I'm turning into a basket case and slowly losing my grip on reality and not think too much of it but my loved ones- I care about their opinions and if they react badly in the slightest- I just can't imagine what that would do to me.

Parker:

That's sad to hear about your parents but it makes me happy to hear you didn't have any problems with your wife knowing. I know my husband will be the same way, he's just awesome like that, but at the same time I'm still very scared of telling him. It's like if I say it aloud to anyone that will make it real and I won't be able to pretend the incident the other night never happened but at the same time I know the incident happened and it scared me- very, very badly, to the point where I know I can't ignore this.

I've seen first hand what happens when something like this is ignored and left to fester in my own 'bio family' and I don't want to end up like that, losing myself.

Rai:

Hi, Rai. Thank you so much for your advice.

I totally understand that second paragraph. I have some very... odd quirks and there are times when I can tell the world and not give a hoot because I'm in a positive mood but if I'm feeling even a little bit vulnerable- sometimes I could fall into a depression just by the way someone has worded their reactions or their tone of voice even if they're saying something positive.

On top of all this I've been dealing with some attachment issues for a long time that make me constantly worry that people are going to leave me or I get paranoid and have to wake up periodically to make sure everyone is still breathing so the idea of telling them something like this- even though I know they would never leave me- it makes me think all these bad things and I'm not sure if it's the voices or me (sometimes they sound so darn similar and other times it's like a totally different person inside my head).

I think I might practice by telling my adoptive mom first. I remember how she acted when I told her the man I was living with wasn't gay and oh, by the way, I was marrying him (I had to tell her before my sister because I'd narked on her for smoking pot and I knew if my mom found out from me the reaction would be... less severe). She sat there for five minutes of silence, walked away, came back twenty minutes later and while she would have preffered different circumstances she was alright. She knows my 'bio families' mental history and has a bit of it in her own so I know it isn't unfamiliar ground for her.

As for the bad responses you mentioned, that's why I've decided for now, not to tell my roomie. Her first response to my subtle question (see post before this one) involved the words 'murdering' and 'children' together in a sentence so... I'm going to wait on that one though it's a shame because I'm really close to her.

I've thought about that, that the voices might get worse. I'm half afraid to even think about them (writing is one thing, delving into my thoughts on my own without pen and paper is another) that it will make them worse. I'm afraid to do anything inside my head, I haven't worked on one of my stories in days because I'm afraid of what my brain will do with the extra fodder and time though part of me knows that's also how I've been keeping them at bay.

Thanks again for the advice.

Terri:

:)
 
C

calfellows

Guest
Spirit,

I would never tell them. That is strike 3, you're out, no mercy, contempt and backstabbing for the rest of your life, enflamed with idols. See a doc if you need one, but maintain privacy, even with him, maybe treat it as "racing thoughts" but not "voices".

The pentecostal and evangelical church members all hear voices. So do the Pagan/Wiccans and plenty of others to go with that. Most large cities have the Psychial Research Societies and clairvoyance/clairaudience classes, meetings, and such. Don't know if you are religious at all, but if so, try attending a supportive church regularly, and after some time the angels over that church may take you into their hedge of protection.

There's a lot to learn after the initial awakening to voices. Study sociology for sure, how to deal with difficult people, how to set borders and boundaries without sticking your foot in your mouth; and how to stay positive NO matter what they might say or do to try and provoke you, push your buttons. The christian basics for voice-hearing 101 are found in this book, which is my story:

The truth will set you free:
http://tinyurl.com/4oa2cg

Voices Related Links:
http://forum.s481.sureserver.com/showpost.php?p=1323&postcount=3
Cal
 
S

Spirit

Guest
Hi, Cal.

My first thoughts went exactly along those lines and all my past experiences with people and how I've seen others react to similar things tell me the exact same thing but I can't hide it.

I have no plans of seeing a doctor or ever going on medication (foster care peoples almost overdosed me on anti-psychotics -that it was proven i didn't need- when I was only 7) but I would like to start seeing an old therapist of mine again. I trust her and she's known for seeking alternative routs against pills but I can't go see anyone until I tell my husband. I just can't. I can't hide things from him and even if I did the guilt and stress would eat me up inside (much like it is now). Besides he'd know if I was seeing anybody or if I was taking money out of our account to pay for it- I don't know what I do if I purposely hid something from him and he found out. *shudders* I would not be happy with myself and it'd only make things worse inside my head.

As for religion- I am very spiritual though no where near a Christian sense, I was raised as a Pagan but I don't call myself anything right now. I'm just me as far as that goes.

As much as I'd love to take your advice and fall back on my spirituality I can't do that. I used to run a site to help people with spiritual issues and I can hear my own advice ringing back on me for this one ten-fold. The voices are telling me to harm myself, that's not good for me so I need to do something about it, if I let the voices tell me (or give them the excuse) that they're part of my spiritual nature I might not be able to stop myself when I need to. There have been times when I thought these voices were spirits- like someone else was putting them in my head, there have been times when they told me someone was shooting a laser beam into my window to kill me, and that every person driving by was my 'bio mother' coming to hurt me. I have heard spirits (as I believe) but these aren't them, these are harmful and I refuse to let my spirituality- the only thing that connected me to others for so long get muddled. I'm afraid that I won't be able to tell the difference if I let that happen and it scares me.

Sorry if I say that all a little strongly but I needed to get it out of my system. The spiritual side of this equation has been bugging me the most of all. I can't go into too many details because it's all still taking a vague shape in my mind but I can't let me trick myself and falling back on clairvoyance will only hurt me. I fully believe in speaking to spirits and if and when I do- cool, but I can't treat these voices like that and let the fantasy mold with the reality. I don't want to get lost like I did the other night. The very idea scars me so much.

Once again, sorry if I wrote that all a little strongly.

I'm going to tell my husband tonight (or so I tell myself) or at least very soon and I want to try and get in contact with a sibling of mine who also hears voices. We're very close though we only located each other a year or so ago and the only way we can ever talk is online because he chose internet over having a phone (not that I blame him). I think he might be able to help me a little bit though we've never talked about it much. He told me once when we first got in contact to warn me in case he acted a little odd at times and he mentioned it again a few other times on bad days but aside from that it's very hush hush. I think he didn't want to scare me after everything with our 'mother-person'.

Thankies again for the advice, just by responding to your post I've figured a few different things out along the way and I plan on taking a look at most of those links- thanks a ton for those, I can't believe how hard it was to find significant info on Google for this.

Anyways, one more post for the night on another topic and then I'm off to eat my daily meal of antacids.

-Peace
 
C

calfellows

Guest
Spirit,

Thank you so much for sharing and being here. You cannot image how great it is for me to see the other side of the coin, the pagan/wiccan viewpoint.
.
I've seen this with pagans, 1995, but the cases I reviewed were related to abuse, trauma, stress, finance, quality of life issues, getting old, divorce, nervous breakdown. The pagan hosting reincarnation or hosting entities, there often seems to be the issue of fresh meat, "die young and stay pretty". I have an cousin in Miami who claims to have traded or switched spirit guides with a church member in order to resolve such issues. Please comment if you don't mind.
.
Runs in the family, this sounds a bit like generational attachments, familiar spirits, but there is also the possibility that it's genetic, that we are wired or build a little differently. Here below is a youtube video which explains the lobodomy of entire humanity in order to accomodate/achieve reincarnation, which is not possible otherwise. It's the supersession of humanity. Possessed? Superceded?

Here's the clip, but you must filter out the garbage:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7qFlyiOSq8

Cal
 
C

calfellows

Guest
PS Spirit,
Again, with family and on paper, suggest that you minimize or control the damage; keep symptoms as stress, racing thoughts.
Cal
 
T

terri

Guest
Good advice from Cal, Spirit.

I always used those, either stress or racing thoughts.

Terri x
 
S

Spirit

Guest
Hey, all. Just wanted to let you know I was still alive, told my Husband and all went well. Extreme head cold plus allergies and asthma issues at the moment so I probably won't give my detailed reply to everyone for a day or two- eyes are so itchy I can't see the screen, so I'm gonna go for now but I didn't want anyone to fret. :)
 
S

Spirit

Guest
Alright, I'm back. That head cold, sinus and such, was pretty bad and then I was feeling antisocial for a bit but I'm back now.

So, I told my family.

I told my husband first late one night after work. He was a little scared but very supportive, he didn't tell me I was crazy or needed pills or anything, just that the voices were a part of me and that I don't have to listen to them. I don't think he entirely understood, I hadn't told him the bulk of what the voices said but over the past few days, little by little I've been telling him. I don't go into much detail and we don't stay on the topic long because I just can't deal with it so well.

My poor Hubby is blaming himself for my voices coming out, even though they don't talk about him or anything. He thinks it's because he's been busy with school lately so in a way it's brought us closer together but I really don't like stressing him out. He printed me off the Medicaid papers and he's helping me arange it so I can see my old therapist from a few years back (she doesn't believe in medicine and she knows me from a time when I wasn't hearing things so she's not likely to label me without some thought behind it) and he's trying make sure I'm not stressed, that I'm eating right, etc. I really do love him, it's so much easier to deal with things when I know that even though I'm the only one who can deal with it personally, he'll be right there as I walk the path I'm on.

Telling my roomate/sister was a little different.

I had to tell her a few days later, I just had to because while we were at work I just suddenly yelled at her. For no reason. My head was full of other things, I kept thinking she was talking to me when she wasn't and so I just blew up in a way I'd never done before and told her to get the F out of the building, practically screaming it. Now mind you, we're both very quiet and sensitive people. She cried and I hated myself as soon as the experience was over.

It was a day or so later when I explained why I'd been so snarkly to her. It wasn't her fault, it wasn't entirely mine, I was just dealing with a lot of screaming on the inside and not coping well. She was very quiet about my answer and seemed to think I could just turn them off at will. Alas, we're still close but my talking to her about it since is received without much comment.

Cal: As for the spirits, I don't feel they're responsible for me being this way. I've... had some strange experiences in life but spirits are usually accompanied by a feeling of peace or negativity. The things going on with me now are just on the inside, they're me. I do believe in hearing spirits and I believe anything that happens to us is part of our spiritual training- the roads set before us are there for us to learn from and better ourselves in life, but I don't believe this is a spirit. The universe decided that I needed a curve ball tossed my way but I don't see it as much more than that right now. It's a bit complicated for me still- I've only just been able to admit to myself that I'm hearing things...

I believe it's possible to be possessed, but once again I don't believe I am.

As for swapping spirit guides... I'm leery on that one. Personally (meaning it's just my view point) I believe spirit guides are guides for many people, and one person may have many. I have asked my spiritual guides to protect my friends before, to watch over them or help them with certain things but I don't feel one can just switch their guides.

Alas, my words aren't flowing so well this moment. I'm tired and about to head off to work. Here's wishing all of you a wonderful day and thanking you for all your awesome help. I appreciate it, I really don't know how I'd manage without this forum and the wonderful people in it.
 
C

calfellows

Guest
Spirit,

Thank you so much for sharing.

Voices appearing, it's almost like they are trying to throw spikes in the road, to change/alter your path. A few years ago, I was reading some pagan texts, that certain Pagan/Wiccans people are called to duty, called to service, illumnati. This particular text, certain astral pagans were called as agents. Well, just wanted add that to the karma and quality of life issues.

There is also a 20 video series on youtube, where this Wiccan woman named Andrea Rousseau is given hell, spikes in the road, because a certain demon spirit wants her all to himself (marriage).
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=837591EBCB6220B6

Warm Regards,
Cal
 
S

Spirit

Guest
I'm not sure I look at is as spikes. Like I've already said, I do believe- spiritually speaking, that it's part of the universes plan for me to hear voices. There's something I can learn from this experience even if I don't want to be having this experience at all.

When my life fell apart once before (the final time I entered foster care)... I was in my own personal hell but even then I can't see it as spikes in the road but rather a side path that I need to take. If I hadn't gone through that hell I wouldn't be the person I am today and the same thing goes for the hell going on in my head right now. I may not like it but if we didn't have to go certain directions in life, even against our choice, from time to time we wouldn't get the things done that we need to or have the experiences we need to learn from.

I'm not sure what to think about Pagans being called to service... I believe we're all called to do one thing or another by the situations we find ourselves in. I don't actively call myself a Pagan/Wiccan in these most recent years of my life, I just call myself me, but I don't know many Pagans who believe themselves called to duty. It's a difficult matter to tackle, one I've gone over time and time again with those that come to me for a sort of spiritual counseling. I believe being called to service can be as small as picking up a piece of trash on the side of the road to being as profound as talking to a person at just the right time.

I have heard other spiritualists, particularly with so called New Age beliefs (though many of them are far older than the more common practices of today) call themselves Light Workers and many believe they are chosen to better the quality of life for all others around them but I don't really, personally feel that a select few are chosen. I believe we're all Light Workers in our own way, with every step we take and action we consciously make- we're either helping or hindering- working to change the quality of life.

But anyway, I'm ranting. I could go on for paragraphs upon paragraphs about my beliefs and how different things tie into the beliefs practiced throughout today's society but I suppose I should be getting to sleep before I tend to repeat myself. :)
 
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