• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

How to say "goodbye"?

N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
605
Location
London, ON
@Nukelavee

Im thinking, that if you and I start a debate, it might turn confusing to Badplace.

I have noticed that you and I do not fully agree about things in this subject.
But I think as long as we stick to giving him our support and our views, each on our own, instead of maybe ending up debating with each other, it might be easier for Badplace to pick the bits in each our posts, that he feels he can relate to and make his own choices.

I believe you make good points, while I also think, I make good points.
Lets keep doing that. :)

If we go borderline now and start a fight with each other, we will just take away focus from Badplace and his pain.

And while of course, lets be real, you and I are of course the center of the universe, cause what kind of BPD people would we be, if we did not act, as if we were, but we have to do better.

We both wish him well. But there is a child that also needs help out there. :unsure:

Edit: I really try to do a quote of your post Nukelaave, but when ever I press quote, it wont add anything when I post my post.
I agree - we don't need to confuse the issue.

His friend does need help, believe me, I hate saying he needs to get distance from her. I know how it feels to think people have abandoned you. And for it to really happen, for that matter.

I don't mean to see she's consciously trying to disrupt his marriage for her own good, but it's a defense mechanism.

Let's try this angle - Badplace, you need to understand you don't really understand the way she feels, teh intensity of it, and how that effects her self-control and treatment of others. She likely hates things are playing out like this, but has no idea how to handle it differently, and her emotions prevent her from doing anything differently.

Almost is right - us debating our views is only going to muddle things up. What we can do is give you some insight into aspects of what's happening. We see things differently enough that you may get more understanding because we help show the range of how BPD acts.

If that made sense.
 
B

BadPlace

Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
You are both correct, there is validity in both of what you say. In many ways she is very much like Sandra, many similarities and many similar results from that behavior. I know there is no saving all 3 relationships and making them as I wish they were but I am holding out hope, however foolish it may be, that one day in the future the 3 of us can at least be friendly. My wife's brother suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and after giving him chance after chance after chance she cut him off completely, for over a full year. Eventually he proved to us that he had worked on himself and we now have a "decently friendly" relationship.

My current plans, unless things go even further downhill, is I am helping BPD look for a place to live, one that she can afford but is also in a safe environment. I plan on helping her move to wherever we find and make sure she's set up with all she needs. I used to talk and text her every day, several times a day but I've stopped that. I've had a talk with her about her future. I told her that we both need to distance ourselves from each other, that I will be there for her in an emergency and that I'll answer the phone if she needs me but that we can't be on an every day, regular communication. I told her that I want her to develop her own life, find her own friends and do things that make her happy. I don't know if any of that was the right thing to do, I don't know if she's going to hate me for letting go and fall into a deeper hole than she's already in or if she'll use this to be inspired to work on herself and make major changes.

My wife and I tried everything we could, we read books and gathered info on BPD and we have bent over backwards trying to make this work. I know there's nothing more we can do but it still breaks my heart.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
605
Location
London, ON
I think it's a good plan.

In her shoes, I could live with that. And work with it. Give it time, and give her an example of a strong, fair, and stable relationship.

I think you have an incredible amount of understanding for her, and if she can get a handle on herself, if she can be made to be more self-aware of how the disorders skews her perception of others, you will be able to help her. When she is at that point.

I think finding her a safe spot to live is a great idea. Everybody needs a safe place of their own, and having stability for shelter goes a long way towards reducing teh irrational aspects of our minds.
 
D

Dororih

Active member
Joined
Feb 3, 2020
Messages
36
Location
Singapore
And while of course, lets be real, you and I are of course the center of the universe, cause what kind of BPD people would we be, if we did not act, as if we were, :D but we have to do better.
Haha I love how real this is but yes, thank you for reminding me not to be self-centred today. I probably should put that up on my room wall to remind myself on the daily.
 
D

Dororih

Active member
Joined
Feb 3, 2020
Messages
36
Location
Singapore
My current plans, unless things go even further downhill, is I am helping BPD look for a place to live, one that she can afford but is also in a safe environment. I plan on helping her move to wherever we find and make sure she's set up with all she needs. I used to talk and text her every day, several times a day but I've stopped that. I've had a talk with her about her future. I told her that we both need to distance ourselves from each other, that I will be there for her in an emergency and that I'll answer the phone if she needs me but that we can't be on an every day, regular communication. I told her that I want her to develop her own life, find her own friends and do things that make her happy. I don't know if any of that was the right thing to do, I don't know if she's going to hate me for letting go and fall into a deeper hole than she's already in or if she'll use this to be inspired to work on herself and make major changes.
I'm just curious but since you guys cut off your brother in law for a year and then resumed a relationship with him, will you do the same with your adopted daughter after let's say half a year/a year?
 
A

Almost always in love

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
65
Location
Scandinavia
My wife and I tried everything we could, we read books and gathered info on BPD and we have bent over backwards trying to make this work. I know there's nothing more we can do but it still breaks my heart.
I think your plan is a great approach to the situation.
Good luck with everything.
 
M

Midsummersnight

New member
Joined
Feb 13, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Blackstone
I'm just curious but since you guys cut off your brother in law for a year and then resumed a relationship with him, will you do the same with your adopted daughter after let's say half a year/a year?
I don’t care if this is weird. My husband shared this with me to help me see some of the responses.

here are some answers to your questions.
1. She lied about something as a woman, you don’t lie about. It has nothing to do with him. And to get my attention.
2. we had rules and boundaries in the house: taking meds and being compliant with her therapist. Therapist says she’s not trying to get well. I’m on the hippa.
3. It’s a lot different to cut your BROTHER off than to cut off a person who has lived with you for 6 months and has been tormenting you during all that time. And at a huge cost to your marriage, job, and personal mental health.
 
Top