How to manage life with my girlfriend

C

conura

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2019
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1
Hi all,

I'm looking for advice as to how to manage my life with my girlfriend of 18 months. We moved in together after 16 months of seeing each other and I am struggling a lot.

Though I had an abusive and violent childhood, and have suffered bouts of depression in the past, at 32 I've largely (through therapy, reading a lot, and being good to myself) moved past it. I'd consider myself a happy and positive person these days. I say this because I'd like to think I can empathise with feelings of depression, but this is beyond what I have experience in my life.

My girlfriend seemed to have a fairly relaxed and positive upbringing, with no negative influences from what she tells me. She has increasingly been making me feel anxious, miserable and stressed. She is never happy - she's either neutral or miserable. She will have ourbursts of negative emotion, tears, sulking and misery that last days and usually have no reason.

When she gets into these moods there is no talking to her, she becomes self pitying, and says she can't control her feelings. In addition, there is a huge emphasis on 'her feelings' and how important they are. She can cry for hours and often I'm not sure why. This happens 3 times a week or so, or, more accurately, 50% of the time. She will very often then go completely back to normal and wonder why I am still angry, distant and hurt. I am expected to very quickly return to a happy state, otherwise she will say she feels too guilty, is sick of hurting me, and the process begins anew.

The pressure on me is immense. If I'm not in a very happy mood and willing to spend all of my free time with her, her mood will quickly slip and I'll feel like I'm living with a grumpy child. Some days I will feel sick with anxiety from all the emotion and misery, and upon reflection realise there's absolutely no reason for it. Our life is comfortable, we have good jobs and so on.

I've offered to pay for her therapy which starts Thursday, though she was very, very reluctant to go. In addition, I believe throughout her childhood she spent most of her time discussing feelings with her friends, all of whom also seem to be depressed.

There have been quite a few worrying situations too. For example doing grocery shopping will result in a meltdown because she can't pick between things, getting a parking ticket can result in 6 hours of absolute emotional chaos (including driving like a maniac due to resultant anger).

Other scenarios include a full blown 24 hour meltdown following me having dinner with her and a female friend, because she hates seeing me get on so easily with another woman. This also happened when I once met one of her (male friends) and we got on. Both times resulted in situations so exhausting I am beginning to not want to see other people with her.

I've previously had a narcissistic partner and so have become quite good at boundaries and keeping my own self worth separate to this situation, but living in such close proximity is taking a toll. I'm doing everything I can to help, however it's starting to impact my work.

Could anybody advise me on how to manage this situation? Is breaking up the only choice? Is it likely therapy could help with such significant symptoms?

Thanks for your help
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Joined
Jun 13, 2015
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11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Hi Conura, :welcome: to the Forum. A lot of young people start out in relationships being babysitters. Therapy might help if she realizes her shortcomings and is interested in changing. Most people don't change unless there is a crisis.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
426
Location
California, US
Hi and welcome. Thank you for asking for advice on how to continue supporting someone with mental health issues. Not everyone is willing or able to be as supportive as you are.

Your girlfriend needs to see a doctor who can diagnose whatever it is that's making her suffer. Many people resist this first step, its very common. If you're able to accompany her to the appointment that could make a difference. If you can call, make the appointment, pick her up and take her to it to ensure that she'll go - even better.
 

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